Princess Lilue

My first dinner party cum birthday went smoothly enough.. Cooked way too much rice, which is slightly tasteless but apart from that the rest was good.. haha.. I know i lived a little out-of-the-way for most of my friends, who mostly live on the other side of KL, so really appreciate those who came..

I appreciate the concern & worries people have on my choice of living arrangements, but heck.. not your problem, is it? at this moment, i'm not up to deal with other people.. nor am i willing to justify myself to anyone.. i may change my mind later.. i might not.. whatever..

But it has made me realised that i do need to be amongst friends.. true friends.. even if other people don't care..
So will plan to have more of this gathering thingy in 2005.. somehow..

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else-Len Wein

Hey.. I'm a year older today.. or as an old friend announced in my friendster, welcome to the late 20s group.. As i got to thinking this morning.. i really don't know how i managed to get thru this year.. in fact, i could still feel the panic, anxiety, humiliation, hurt, hopelessness of the situation when i think about it.. gotta stop it, girl.. you need to get a grip on yourself..

"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."

so one of my new year's resolution is.. to be happy.. one way or another.. i owe it to myself to do so..
Well happy birthday to myself.. !



*************************************************************************************************
An update on the tsunami (well, my update anyway):
-so far none of my family are affected.. in fact parents only left my house that morning & only got up to bukit merah where they stayed the nite at Pak Lang's..
-Aida is fine, although kept getting bombarded by calls from KL office abt the tsunami since her boss is on maternity leave..
-Mr Ash's got thru his wedding without mishap.. (well, that's what he says..)
-He said that him & family are also okay..

I've always loved chrismas.. maybe it's coz of all the hype, being the holiday seasons and all.. or maybe just coz chrismas = snow = memories of my life overseas.. or simply that chrismas means my birthday is just round the corner..

anyway.. birthdays have always been special to me...even if there's no colourful-wrapped presents & fancy greeting cards or parties or anything special on the day..it's just "my day".. it's sort of a milestone for me, that i've reached a certain point in life.. in a way, my 'new year' starts then..

This year had made me realised how easy it is to lose yourself, have seen some people's true colour & knowing who you can turn to in times of trouble, also just how truly alone i really am.. but it wasn't all bad.. i have moved to a new place, my job function has increased (still undecided whether this is good or bad..hehe), i sort of know my way around KL now..

I'm hoping that 2005 would be better.. surely it can't get any worst,..right? at least i hope so..


-In The End, Linkin Park -
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
- his favourite band

Just got my payslips today & my plane ticket.. Wa-hey.. i managed to get a tax refund plus some extra bonuses from my boss.. yeay, now i can go spend it in singapore next week.. free new year trip & money to spend.. how cool is this? \o/ opps, must remember going there for work, not play.. hehe..

i could use a new book.. any recommendations? plus i plan to get my fav perfume too.. ahaks..

Girl.. i so need you right now.. bila la you nak balik from Japan nie?...

What do you say when someone tells you that you have met 'the one'? what do you do when you've already let him go? i know that i've always hoped that my first boyfriend would be my husband, yet after all that i've been thru, thot that was already out of the question..

leaving him was the most difficult decision i had to make.. i've just deleted his emails, smses and phone number recently.. and now you tell me that you want me back with him?!

do i still love him? i think so..
do i think we still have a chance? i'm not sure.. i have a lot of baggages.. if he can't take the heat from me, how is he gonna handle my problems? family who'd kick you when you're down? people waiting to take advantage of you? people who'd ask & ask but never give anything in return?

i know if this is meant to be, it is meant to be.. but how do i forget the hurt he's caused me? the problems that we had ? the fact that he accepted my decision without questioning or fighting it ? i cant be the only one trying to make this work.. i cant help you if you wont help yourself.. but can i forget him? can i let him go? can i be happy with another?

i dont know.. i really dont know..

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

dont be mad at me, it is not my fault.. go vent your anger at them, not me.. i've already had my share of hatred from them, i dont need you to add to it.. and it's one thing to be reminded, but another to be mad at me at things i've yet to do or at mistakes made by others..

just had to rant that out.. there are times when i just can't stand it.. and people ask me why i want to live alone? duh.. if only i could get away.. from everyone and everything.. :(

on another note.. genting was pretty good.. managed to avoid the laptop for almost 3 days.. and the whole weekend.. hehe.. if my bosses can go on leave for 2 weeks, i can at least take these 3 days to laze off..

just reliased that heights are beginning to scare me.. huh! mua? i took on The Big One in Liverpool abt 4 times, 2 times on The Nemesis at Alton Towers, and those rides at Disneyland & Disneyworld.. aiyoo, this is not good.. must be the age thing.. and i so wanted to catch that new ride at Genting & the one at Berjaya.. Having meetings at Genting does not mean you'll get a chance to drop by the theme park.. :p

You don't know how much you mean to certain people. You don't know how loved you are, how admired you are, how respected, how looked up to, how appreciated and how valued you are. Perhaps this is just as well or your head would swell to the size of a hot air balloon. This is a sensitive time. It involves delicate relationships and presents the possibility of difficult exchanges. Yet it also contains much reassurance and comfort. Whatever you are worried about, stop worrying about it.
-Capricorn, Dec 14 2004

Hmm.. i wouldnt know how much of that is true.. esp after all the events that happened this year that just proves just how much people hated me.. and they just wouldnt stop at anything to show their petty claws at me..

But yes, i am not going to burden myself worrying abt it. I've done with my exams, I'll be away from office for the rest of the week.. it's my time to have fun now..

The tougher the times, the more clarity you gain about the difference between what really matters and what you only pretend to care about.

–Po Bronson, Best-Selling Author of “What Should I Do With My Life?”

it's not my intention to take revenge
it's not my fault things are the way they are
it's not my problem what you think
it's not my duty to justify myself to you

Allah must be on my side..

You were speechless!admit it.. hah!now you can say whatever you want.. but we've seen your reaction.. even if no one else does..

My revenge is definitely sweeeet..

As of yesterday, my house is (pretty much) now completed.. hehe..

i know..it's still sumwat unreal even to me.. after all that chaos, to now.. sometimes i think it's sort of a reward to me.. for putting up with so much..

so now my living room & dining is complete, although have not put in any deco lighting just yet.. both rooms now have beds (only..) but dont really use them as much.. hehe.. the hall is still the best coz i get to sleep in front of the telly..

anyway.. will postpone all serious thoughts later.. must concentrate on exam.. yikes!! it's less than a week away.... but i want to go shopping for mirrors & buy flowers & get more pillows &.... :( just get thru this paper & i'll have all the time in the world (apart from work of course..) to go shopping.. now to go on home & hit the books.. after dinner of course.. hehe..

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.
Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

well.. that was quite an interesting weekend i've had..

apart from my marathon classes (which are from fri 6.30-9.30 & both sat/sun 9am-7pm.. yup that's right.. hrs & hrs of lecture.. and one thing i've managed to learn is fall asleep, without falling from my chair or bench.. haha..i seriously tell you, at least to my knowledge, i do not asleep in class at uni, altho i do get very drowsy at times due to lack of sleep doing none studying activities..).. this is also the weekend, the relatives choose to came by..

my parents & my brother's parents (to those who dont know.. just bear with me..maybe will explain one of these days..) stayed over coz they're joining the 'rombongan menghantar pengantin' to pahang on sunday.. not the greatest host i know, cant be there when they arrived.. then my bro & wife and his in-laws, this incl PIL, S/B-IL & their spouses,.. well, what can i say, my bro's wife do have 8 siblings, all quite close in age..with 2 babies in tow.. definitely a full house..

on sunday, my uncle insisted that someone pick up their things from my house & meet them who coming back from pahang somewhere, rather then come back to my place first.. well, i'm in class till 7.. the only other keys are with my parents, who also went to pahang.. hmm.. so his only daugther, had to come all the way from KL to my colleage to get my keys, to my place to pick up the stuff, then back to kl.. whom i'm told later by her, had miscommunication where both parties were waiting at 2 different places.. with the rain & the jam, with all of them pretty exhausted.. quite a circus there.. hehe..

and another sad note.. some unexpected turn of events for some friends of mine.. i do wish you both the best..& somehow work this out.. it's not what i'd hope for you, but either way it goes, you know where to find me.. for now, i'll leave you alone to solve it or till you tell me yourself or whatever..

How do you tell your parents that you are now an adult?

i have been on my own since i was 17.. even though the 1st 2 years was at a boarding school (a-levels), and the next 3 years was at Uni (in campus accomodation).. and since i got back from UK.. and yet, my parents still dictates what i should do and how.. not that i dont appreciate it of course, as i still ask them abt the littlest stuff most of the time anyway.. also it doesnt help that i've been away for so long, that i feel guilty enough that i would listen to them just to compensate..

There are times when i think i am adult enough to live my own life.. yet the other half of the time i'm waiting for someone to hold my hand to go through life.. maybe having siblings would have helped, giving me some peer advice and whatnots.. not that i'm not getting those from friends, but you know, no one else knows your own family like you do..

anyway, being the dutiful daughther that i am.. (i hope).. will try my best to accomodate them & their wishes as much as i can.. with the Hari raya coming, i just wanna say that i'm so sorry.. i have been causing you both a lot of pain this year.. even though not thru any fault of mine (mostly).. hopefully the future will be brighter for us.. dont worry too much, take care of yourselves.. Allah will see us thru these trying times..

Hmm.. how do i ensure that i can get out of here by 4? Last year's balik kampung rush, i managed to leave in time before i got stuck.. heard that abt 10mins or so after i left, the LDP was stuck for 1hr or so, due to ppl trying to get across to the highway... so better make sure i wrap up everything before my training session at 3.. so that i can leave after that.. i hope..
Apart from completed these reports & post it, i think the rest can wait till after the hols.. i do not plan to take home my laptop, so ppl better not call me at home during the hols..

anyway, will only be leaving KL with parents tomorrow.. will have to remember to make sure all doors/windows are locked, all eletrical stuff are switched off, must clean out fridge of possible turning-bad stuff, otherwise when i get back here.. yuck.. etc etc etc

Erk.. already 10 to 6 & i'm still here... how to complete ah?

Dunno why but feeling so lazy lately.. there's still work to be done & we havent even started with the raya preparation.. ;p

is laziness or "rajin" (somehow the word is just not coming to me) something hereditary? i mean, i do my share of work, at work, at home etc, sometime more, sometimes less .. but i'd have to admit i'm quite lazy at times.. and i do respect those who are very 'rajin'.. and i do know my mum's gonna hold it against me till forever.. i guess once the idea is planted, no matter whether people believed it or not, they will always hold a doubt abt it..

Used to be, i thot that depression is something rare.. someone who's weak minded, lack of faith etc.. but over the years i have realised that ppl around me are facing depression.. and there's nothing wrong with these ppl.. although i still think that faith plays an important role here, it is still a disease...

strength is not something that could be taught.. or talked into.. it's also not the problems that you face, but on how you face them..

i dont want to claim that i'm stronger than most ppl or anything like that.. but Allah loves me & had helped me thru the rough times.. there were times when i though i couldnt go on, but Alhamdullilah, i managed to keep my head above water long enough still i could stand back on my own.. and yes, it wasnt easy.. if wasnt for my parents.. my best friends.. i might not have made it thru.. my heart still have the holes there, but i won't let u see it..

so to my friends who are still struggling, hang in there.. u can make it, if you believe in it.. or make yourself believe it..

I'll get over you... I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see... no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself...
~Artist Lyrics: Go West
~Song Lyrics: King Of Wishful Thinking

Think the song's quite appropriate for me now..

Natasha Bedingfield
Title: Single

Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you
Yeah

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want
Doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up
You either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be

Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

[Repeat Chorus]

Everything in it's right time everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way, it's my way
Eh I like it this way

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

Who are you when nobody's watching?
When no one knows what you do, what you think, or what you feel.
You are so much to so many, so who are you to yourself?

Are you exactly the same as you are to the world?
If so, tell me how.
To be so truthful, so real.

When you sit alone.
When you close your eyes.
When you look at that face looking back in the mirror.

What goes through your mind at that moment,
Just between wake and sleep.
What scares you or drives you.

When you stare out the window.
Voices in your head, conversing, arguing.
What are they saying?

There are things nobody knows.
Don't lie.
What are they?

Your insecurities, your true pride.
Your pain and sadness, your joy and gladness.
Your secrets. Your truths.

Watch yourself.
When nobody's watching.
You.

I thot that i have found my "happy ending", but realised that it is yet to come...
insya allah..


So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done (I managed to avoid this..haha)

CHORUS X 2

So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending
-Avril Lavigne-

1. One old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come.

2. Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams should want to see her in an hour.

4. A youth she is content to leave behind, and a past juicy enough for her to look forward to retelling in her old age.

5. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

6. One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry.

7. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

8. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honoured.
9. And a feeling of control over her destiny.


Every woman should know...

1. How to fall in love without losing herself, how to quit a job or break up with a lover, and how to confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

2. When to try harder and when to walk away.

3. That she cannot change the length of her calves, the width of her hips or the nature of her parents.

4. That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

5. What she will or will not do for love, or more.

6. How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

7. Whom she can trust, whom she cannot, and why she shouldn't take some things personally.

8. Where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming motel in the countryside when her soul needs soothing.

9. And what she can or cannot accomplish in a day, a month and a year.

A little offsetting reading it in english, but nonetheless..

Praying to Allaah, may He be exalted

Du’aa’ (prayer or supplication) is very beneficial, and includes both protection and treatment. As far as protection in concerned, the Muslim is obliged to turn to Allaah and pray to Him for refuge from distress and to keep him away from it, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do. His servant Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) tells us: “I used to serve the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he stayed in Madeenah (i.e. was not travelling). I often used to hear him saying: ‘Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika min al-hamm wa’l-hazn wa’l-‘ajz wa’l-kasal wa’l-bukhl wa’l-jubn wa dala’ al-dayn wa ghalbat al-rijaal (O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from distress, grief, incapacity, laziness, miserliness, cowardice, the burden of debt and from being overpowered by men).’”
This du’aa’ is very effective in preventing distress before it happens; prevention is better, and easier, than cure.
When one is worried about what may happen in the future, the following du’aa’ is very beneficial. Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say: “Allaahumma aslih li deeni alladhi huwa ‘ismat amri wa aslih li dunyaaya allati fihaa ma’aashi wa aslih li aakhirati allati fihaa ma’aadi w’aj’al al-hayaata ziyaadatan li fi kulli khayri w’aj’al al-mawta raahatan li min kulli sharr (O Allaah, make me adhere properly to my religion, on which all my affairs depend; make this world good for me in which is my livelihood; make my Hereafter good for me, in which is my ultimate destiny; make my life increase in every good thing and make my death a respite from every evil).”
When distress and pain befall a person, the door of du’aa’ is always open to him; it is never closed. When one calls upon the Most Generous, He will respond and give. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And when My slaves ask you concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright.” [al-Baqarah 2:186]
One of the greatest du’aa’s which take away distress and anxiety and bring joy is the famous du’aa’ which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged everyone who hears it to learn it by heart:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatija naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief, and replace it with joy.” He was asked: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we learn this?” He said: “Of course; everyone who hears it should learn it.”
This important hadeeth indicates the following: the slave should admit that he belongs to Allaah and that he cannot do without Him and has no other master than Allaah; that he should be a slave to Allaah, announce his submission to Him, obey His commandments and heed His prohibitions; that Allaah is directing and controlling him as He wills; that he should demonstrate his submission to Allaah and his acceptance of His decree; that he should pray to Allaah, using all His Names, then ask for what he needs.
A number of other du’aa’s to do with distress and anxiety have also been narrated in the Sunnah. They include the following:
Ibn ‘Abbaas reported that when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) felt distressed, he would say: “Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem al-Haleem, laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb al-‘Arsh al-‘azeem, la ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb al-samawaat wa Rabb al-ard wa Rabb al-‘Arsh al-kareem (There is no god but Allaah, the All-Powerful, the Forbearing; there is no god but Allaah, Lord of the mighty Throne; there is no god but Allaah, Lord of heaven, Lord of earth, and Lord of the noble Throne).”
Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was distressed by something, he would say: “Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoom bi rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living, O Eternal, by Your mercy I seek help).”
Asmaa’ bint ‘Umayr said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me: ‘Shall I not teach you some words which you can say at times of distress? ‘Allaah Allaah rabbee laa ushriku bihi shay’an (Allaah Allaah is my Lord, I do not associate anything with Him).’”
Another of the beneficial du’aa’s which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught us is the one he told us about when he said: “The du’aa’ of the person who is in distress is: ‘Allaahumma rahmataka arjoo fa laa takilni ilaa nafsi tarfat ‘ayn w’aslih li sha’ni kullahu laa ilaaha illa anta (O Allaah, for Your mercy I hope, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye; rectify all my affairs. There is no god except You)’”
If a person thinks about the meaning of these du’aa’s and prays with concentration and a sincere intention, doing all those things that can help to bring about a response, Allaah will fulfil his hopes and do the things asked for; He will turn his distress into joy.
If the du’aa’ comes from a heart which is filled with faith, it will dispel worry and bring comfort. The scholars have mentioned many stories of people who prayed to Allaah in times of calamity and distress, and Allaah responded to their prayer and saved them from an enemy, or from drowning, or from starvation or disaster. One example is the story of what happened to the great Sahaabi al-‘Alaa al-Hadrami, who was one of the most prominent scholars and devoted worshippers, one of the close friends (awliyaa’) of Allaah whose du’aa’s are answered. During the campaign against the apostates of Bahrain, he pitched camp, but before the people could settle down, the camels bolted, carrying away all the provisions of the army, including their tents and water, leaving them with nothing but the clothes they were wearing. It was night-time, and they could not restrain even one camel. The people were filled with indescribable distress and alarm, and some of them began making wills to one another (because they felt that death was inevitable). Al-‘Alaa’ called the people together and said: “O people, are you not Muslims? Are you not striving for the sake of Allaah? Are you not the ansaar (supporters) of Allaah?” They said, “Of course.” He said, “Then be of good cheer, for Allaah will not forsake anyone who is in your situation.” When the time for Fajr prayer came, he called the people to pray and led them in prayer, then he knelt up, and the people did likewise. He started to pray (make du’aa’), raising his hands, and the people did likewise. They prayed until the sun rose, and the people began to look at the mirages caused by the sun, shimmering one after another, all the while fervently praying. When he reached the third [??], Allaah created a great stream of fresh water beside them. [‘Alaa’] walked towards it, and the people followed him, then they drank and washed themselves. Before the sun had reached its zenith, the camels started to come back from all directions, bringing the supplies loaded on them, so the people did not lose anything at all, and they were able to give water to the camels. This is one of the signs of Allaah witnessed by the people during that campaign. (Al-Bidaayah wa’l-Nihaayah: Dhikr riddat ahl al-Bahrayn wa ‘awdatihim).

A man and a woman are sitting in a restaurant arguing about the age-old topic of male-female relationships.

The man, having been in several relationships that did not work out, observed that it was difficult to make a woman happy, saying, "...it has happened to me many times that a lady has told me that I was making her unhappy, and that she wished that she and I were dead, at a time when I have tried hardest to make her happy. It is so many years now since Adam and Eve were first together in the garden, that it seems a great pity that we have not learned better how to please another."

After pondering over what the gentleman had said, this is what the woman replied, to help shed some light on the gentleman's perplexing, though not unique, situation.

"Now God," she said, "when he created Adam and Eve, arranged it so that man takes, in these matters, the part of a guest, and woman that of a hostess. Therefore man takes love lightly, for the honour and dignity of his house is not involved therein. And you can also, surely, be a guest to many people to whom you would never want to be a host. Now, tell me, Count, what does a guest want?"

"I believe," said the man when he had thought for a moment, "that if we do, as I think we ought to here, leave out the crude guest, who comes to be regaled, takes what he can get, and goes away, a guest wants first of all to be diverted, to get out of his daily monotony or worry. Secondly the decent guest wants to shine, to expand himself and impress his own personality upon his surroundings. And thirdly, perhaps, he wants to find some justification for his existence altogether. But since you put it so charmingly, Signora, please tell me now; What does a hostess want?"

"The hostess," said the young lady, "wants to be thanked."

Taken from The Roads Round Pisa by Isak Dinesen in her collection of short stories, Seven Gothic Tales.

*** LILLIES OF THE FIELD ****
Commencement speech made by Pulitzer Prize-Winning author, Anna
Quindlen.

"I am a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.
Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out
of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There
will be hundreds of people doing what you want to do for a living. BUt
you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life.

Your particular life, Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk,
or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the
life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank
account but your soul.

People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier
to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold
comfort on a winter night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or
when you've gotten back the test results and they're not so good.

HERE IS MY RESUME!

I'm a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my
profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer
consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try
to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to friends and
they are to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you
today, because I would be a cardboard cutout. I would be rotten, or at
best mediocre at my job, if those other things were not true.

So here's what I wanted to tell you today:
Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the
bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much
about these things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a
lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself
on a breeze over Seaside heights, a life in which you stop and watch
how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water or the way a baby scowls
with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb
and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who
love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work.

Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which
you are generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and
that you have no business taking it for granted.

Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around.
Take money you would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work
in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister.

All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing
well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, our minutes. It
is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes, the way the
melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It
is so easy to exist instead of living. I learned to live many years
ago. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the
only guarantee you get.

I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of
it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried
to do that, in part, by telling others what I learned. By telling them
this:

Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear.
Read in the backyard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And
think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live
it.

Sometimes you....
Care for the wrong people
Give to unappreciative souls
Respond to those who stay silent
Smile at those who don't bother to see
Cry for the very ones who remain hard through your tears
And you want to be smart, stop, protect yourself
But you don't know how

considering how late we slept last nite, i'm feeling pretty fresh..of sort.. hehe..

anyway.. we had quite a stimulating conversation on our expectations of life & relationship.. and thankfully, i'm not alone in my way of thinking .. i know my expectations are high but still, i'm not looking for a perfect partner, just someone perfect for me..

well.. boss already calling me back to plant.. so have to continue later..

Found this article which i think, given that this is a month of reflections and forgiveness.. i really shud learn to let go & move on with my life.. i know i'm still holding on somehow, even tho at the back of my mind, i know it's over...so it's time to get rid of all things relating to him.. & it's time to stop thinking of the what-ifs & whys'..

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?
You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.
But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

still waiting to be taken for berbuka.. well, if there's ppl who's insisting to take you out, why resist? hehe.. dont get me wrong..it's just my client & i'm not alone either..hehe.. cian my friend, she'd have to berbuka on her own.. but i'm staying over with her till she goes back, right? also, going back to her place is much nearer than my own from here.. ;p

hmm.. so far my ramadhan has not been that different that average days.. so far i still reach home abt 7, usually later.. and at least not eating alone since my friend came down here.. how sad can i be? hehe.. well, i'm one of those ppl, who rather be on my own anyway.. now that i think abt it, i was never that comfortable with ppl.. i suppose some ppl would call me cold or a snob or "sombong".. i'm really not any of those (at least i'd like to think so..).. but i'm really not that good with ppl..

well.. gotta go.. it's another 15mins to berbuka & i still havent left the building yet.. ;p

It's ramadhan again.. i've always love ramadhan.. maybe it's coz of the food that we get to ask for as "reward" for fasting for the day.. or maybe coz we'd be preparing for raya.. my mum used to make our baju raya herself.. so we'd have homemade dresses & baju kurungs.. then we'd be spending the last week of puasa cooking - baking cakes & cookies, making ketupats & rendang (these are usually the nite before..)..it usually's way too tempting smelling the freshly baked food on the table, but of course we'd have to just bear it till break fast, when we could sample it out..

anyway.. havent really had any proper raya since i came back to msia.. there was the bro's wedding, the exams, lack of holidays causing me to rush between here & home..

altho, this year's major problem would be how do i get back.. last year, i went home with my ex.. since we've broken up a while back, i dont have a ride back home.. yeah, it was really handy when both of you heading the same way.. :( well, life goes on.. so the plan is for my parents to come here instead.. altho who we're planning to have raya with, i dont really know actually.. we could always go over to my Pak Tih's place for raya, which we will anyway.. and maybe Pak Ucu.. hmm.. one thing for sure, my parents do have a lot of friends here.. so hopefully they wont mind the relatives much this year seeing that we're barely talking now.. ;p

opps.. better head home before i get stuck in a jam somewhere..

Have you read this one yet? It's a nice, heart-warming story :)

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house".

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessings to all my crackpot friends... ;)

time2 org nak balik.. masa tuh ler byk le benda yg org nak.. tak paham betul le..

oo.. my other boss telling me that he wants me to concentrate more on the audits & transfer some of the other jobs to my current boss.. also that he'd change me to report right to him rather than to my current boss.. hmm.. well supposed that are some good in that.. in a way, that shud help clear up some of my job, in order to concentrate more..otherwise i'd be bogged down with unnecessary problems caused by other ppl.. not that i'd expect these ppl to be mistake-free, but sometimes it is a little irritating when they dont even care or get affected by the mistake, instead knowing that someone can/will solve it for them.. well, i'd supposed i'd think that way too if i were them.. the maintenance part of my job, hmm.. it's not difficult i supposed... but leceh.. also have to be kinda dedicated.. but it does help when you're not busy with something (& when would that be? more likely it's just me who needed to not do work for a few hours..hehe)..

anyway.. my job is the kind that - is difficult to explain to others.. in words, it sounds so much simpler that it really is.. yet, how else would you describe it? ntah le..

kinda cool this friendster thingy.. managed to track down a few friends.. also surprises the way we tend to be linked to someone somehow or rather.. just shows how small this world really is..

okla.. i better ciao before the gate closes..

i'm so tired of :

• work
• my studies
• being responsible
• my lack of rest
• my lack of annual leave/holidays
• having to answer to too many ppl
• being the perfect daughther
• wanting to be loved
• having problems after problems, without any solutions
• tired of being worried that everything will fall apart around me
• tired of being tired..

There's still so many things that i havent done.. things that i need to do, which i dont want to do.. things that i want to do, but have no time to do...

i dont know how long i can keep up this calm exterior when i'm falling apart in the inside..

i dont really know what is it that ppl see when they see me.. i think most people would be pretty surprised if they'd know what goes on in my mind.. as it is, people tend to comment that they're quite surprised when they actually get to know me..

i know i seem to portray (not by purpose, mind you) that i'm:
- nice
- intelligent
- hardworking
- friendly
- brave
- independent
- ambitious
- artistic

However, i think that i am:
- not as nice that ppl think
- selfish
- whiner
- lazy
- watch too much tv
- not independent
- cold
- not good with responsibility
- not artistic, more like "kasar"..


well, i guess the list could go on & on.. i supposed it is just my insecurities that makes me undermime my own capabilities, which of course should not be broadcast to the public.. yet at the same time, i'm just soo afraid that one day someone would notice the real me or that i'd screw up royally..

i know she exaggerate things.. but i dont think that when i was living in her house, my actions was as bad as she says it is (e.g. didnt wash my plates, didnt clean the toilet, hog the tv),... that it warrented me being kick out of the house.. i mean, i know i'm no angel or some clean-freak person & i dont clean up as much as i should.. but surely not to that extend? or is it? ... but given her reputation in bad-mouthing her own kin, i supposed ppl dont give her stories much credit.. but still..

till then, guess i'll continue fumbling thru life the best that i know of.. and try to hold my head above water.. most of the time..

i didnt realised that i was thinking abt him.. but maybe something stayed at the back of my mind, which resulted in me dreaming abt him....it goes something like this (i could never remember my dreams properly, instead it sort of jumps from one scene to another, which sometimes are not related at all..)

i dunno how i met him or why he's there.. but i was going to go somewhere & he asked whether he could follow me.. i answered something along the line that it doesnt matter where he goes coz it's a free country.. somewhere along the line, we sort of ended up holding hand or something, but even in my dream, i kept thinking that i should not be doing this.. then after that he insisted that we go a certain route & kept looking at his watch.. we were walking.. using escalator & stuff, so i'm assuming we were in a supermarket or something.. we ended up near this bench & there's some kind of bill board thing around or behind us..and then he got exasperated/dissapointed (in the way he always does).. and told me that he wanted to run some kind of msg on the billboard thing behind us, not sure if i remember correctly, but i think it was a birthday wish to me, but it didnt came up..

i guess i do miss him.. and the hurt is just a dull ache now.. at times i'd be thinking what if he really was my "jodoh"..? what if he does comes back? but i do know he doesnt love me.. and i think he doesnt know me the way he should as he has a pre-constructed image of what he wants in a partner.. but guess i'd never know now.. i know ppl would tell me to move on.. after all it has been quite some time now.. but i'd like to think that he loved me in his own way, even if it's not the way i wanted.. i dont think that i could get back together with him, altho i'd loved to..

"It's different when it is your own house"..

That is so true.. as excited as i would to move to a new place (e.g. i have to move to a new place for each of my uni years).. its not quite as exciting as moving into something that you own.. something that belongs to you.. but then again, it could be coz i've been waiting for it for wayyy too long.. or that i'm finally seeing something positive for once this year.. somewhat positive that is.. as it is, I already had connection problem with my Astro, problem to install my new washing machine, i cant find that blue local majlis perbandaran's tong sampah thingy & those ppl i called up are giving me such dumb answers..

but there are some good thing - my window is perfect for that curtain i bought ages ago in nottingham (it didnt fit with my parents house's window - too short).. found a really good bargain with the bed..perfect fitting for my duvet & the bed.. found an absolutely lovely tv cabinet piece.. and finally get to use(or rather take out of the box) the stuff i bought back in uk..

well.. there's still a lot more work to be done with the house.. not so much technical stuff or any that requires professional, but rather the small items you'd need or need to do..

will update further on the house.. i may not be a great interior designer (no matter how much i love interior designing), where ideas come rushing over to me.. hehe.. but i do hope it'd be someplace where ppl would remember, would love to come back to, would like to stay..

Hehe..i'm a confirmed chocoholic... starting to have cravings now actually..havent had chocs for 2 days.. :( well, that's not true.. just had a cream puff with choc top..yummy.. still, it's not actual choc.. maybe i'll drop by somewhere, and celebrate once i complete unpacking my stuff tonite..hmmm..cant wait to go home..

erk.. now i know why ppl dont like auditors.. hahah & i'm part of that... somehow, i have no idea how i managed to land this job considering that i think that i dont have most of the traits required for this job... anyway..i'd rather be on this end, rather than my clients..

i know i'm way to close to screwing up my job.. dunno why.. my mind is not where it should be.. i'm retreating back to story books & foolish reasons to fulfill my time.. hopefully i'd find my peace one of these days.. the hurt is not that raw anymore.. just like a dull ache.. but i've yet to be really happy since then...cant wait for this year to be over.. so that i can forget all about it.. way too many downs rather than ups.. at times, i'd wonder how i managed to stay sane throughout this.. or i'd be thinking that i'm not being grateful enough, that other ppl have worst problems that i do & i should not be selfish enough to think that i'm the only one with problems..
anyway.. life goes on.. somehow.. and knowing that i passed thru this, proves that i'm stronger that i thought i could be .. now.. if i can get thru this audit.. then i can celebrate getting my house keys this weekend.. that is, if that guy shows up.. haha.. i so do not trust him..

Results
Your answers suggest you are a Nurturer
The four aspects that make up this personality type are:


Summary of Nurturers
Care for the important people in their lives
Strive for harmony and avoid confrontation
Think of themselves as gentle, conscientious, and mature
May have trouble making decisions that could hurt others
More about Nurturers
Nurturers are quiet people who believe in order and diligently look after the people they care about. They focus on the needs of others and establish routines to help them meet their commitments.


Nurturers are the most likely group to say they prefer a job where the same thing happens every day, according to a UK survey.
Nurturers remember details that are important to them, such as their friends' birthdays and anniversaries. People with this personality type value others' feelings and may challenge behaviour they think is insensitive.

In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Nurturers may feel bitter and seek support by complaining to their colleagues. Under extreme stress, Nurturers may become preoccupied with the worst possible outcome and believe that they are heading for disaster.

Because they are so caring and loyal, Nurturers run the risk of being taken advantage of.

Nurturer Careers
Nurturers are often drawn to jobs that allow them to help others.

got this test from the BBC web (still figuring out how to add a link)..dunno if this is true tho.. i supposed partially.. hehe..

my friend wanted to introduce someone to me.. which i thot, why not?.. however, when the guy did call.. even tho i was expecting it, i never expected to be... hmm, not sure how to describe it.. the thoughts that kept running across my head was - why am i talking to this guy instead of him? I'm dissapointed.. i'm sad.. i'm angry.. part of me wanted it to be him so much.. but part of me do not want to see or talk to him ever.. also, nothing against the new guy, i'm sure he's nice & all.. but somehow i'm not interested.. i know i should make up my mind, esp after such a short conversation, but i'm sorry... it just not right..

my best friend told me that i should let him control my life anymore.. i cant help but compare other guys to him.. i cant help sometimes that i wished i'd stay.. now i know why some women stay in after the love have gone .. its so difficult to let go.. but i dont regret the decision that i have made.. yes, it hurts to be without him, yet it hurts much more when i'm with him.. and now, the hurt is slowly going away..

nope, i dont think i'd pursue it with this guy.. not that i wouldnt want to give anyone a chance.. but this new guy is being a little too desprate for my taste.. i mean sure, i'd be friends with you.. but after 1 call, i wouldnt expect you to call every day, & even during working hours.. of course if it's him, it's a different story, but even he wouldnt call me at the office before say..5pm or if he wanted something like, we're going somewhere that nite etc..

what the heck..? i had a life of my own before him.. i can live on my own after him.. whether there'll be someone special in my life or not, i'm strong enough to go on with my life.. on my own terms..

It is not an easy thing to let go, when you love someone so much.. but what's the point of holding on when you know that he doesnt love you anymore? it hurts much more to miss someone when physically he's next to you.. one side of me feels that if he had asked me to stay, i prolly would have.. but on the other hand, i realised that he didnt love me..prolly never did at all.. oh, i knew he cared, but love(cinta) & care(sayang) is not the same.. sayang is not enough for me.. "i could not stay & make a scene when i know i'm not wanted" (a saying by Audrey Hepburn).. i'm not one for begging..
i've stopped crying now, but the hurt is still raw..


Burn-Usher
I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And it's better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn

[Verse 1]
It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn

[Chorus]
When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
but you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know it been through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

[Verse 2]
Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same
find myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-leven days, umpteen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)

[Chorus]
When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn (let it burn, let it burn, you gon'learn)
Let it burn (gotta let it burn)
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know its best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know it been through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

[Bridge]
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (cry)

[Breakdown]
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh
Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?)
Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh

so many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return

[Chorus]
When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to,
you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know it been through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

i wanted to write something before i go.. but no idea what to write abt.. i'll be going back home tonite.. luckily my housemate is willing to send me to the airport, otherwise would have to call the cab & fork out at least 50 bucks.. better remind myself to buy them dinner or something.. also cathcing a ride with my best friend, prolly monday or tuesday due to the merdeka hols..

think have a lot to discuss with parents.. dunno if we can ever reach to a decision.. but there's things to think abt..

ahh.. better ciao first.. think later.. ciao..



There is only one success - to spend your life in your own way. -
Christopher Morley, 1890-1957, American Novelist, Journalist, Poet

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

I couldn't help but grab this book, "How to be Lovely: The Audrey Hepburn Way of life" from the Changi airport bookstore. i know, i'm broke & burning my last dollars on crappy stuff, but think this was a good buy..

ermm.. i could easily relate to the advices given by the lady herself.. although i'm not declaring myself to be as "lovely" nor "elegant" like her.. i do hope someday ppl would say that abt me tho..:) insya allah..

i hope i can find happiness that she had found.. sure, life has its ups & downs, and there'll always be never ending problems to solve.. it all in the package.. but you can handle all that when you are comfortable with who you are & what you do... i have not found that yet.. somehow, i'm still unsatisfied, still searching for that something..

10 ways to make your mind up

From what to wear to whether to change jobs, here’s how to stop dithering and start making great decisions.

1. Think in numbers

Write a list of pros and cons for your decisions, and then convert those into percentages. For example, changing your job might be 80% positive and 20% negative.

“Seeing your choice in terms of cold, hard figures gives you a much clearer perspective on it,” says Gary Cooper, Professor of Organisational Psychology at Lancaster University, UK.

2. Go with your instinct

“Gut instinct guides us through dozens of minor decisions every day but when it comes to the big stuff, it gets muddled by worries and obligations,” says UK life coach Lynda Field.

“Start noticing how much you rely on your gut feelings every day and it’ll be easier to tap into them over bigger dilemmas,” she adds.

3. Pay a professional

Whatever your quandary, there’s a specialist out there who can help you. A session with a relationship counsellor or career consultant will focus your feelings and give you strategy to help you decide.

4. Toss a coin

If your shopping trip has stalled because you can’t decide between white and red flip-flops, toss a coin. If the coin falls in favour of the white flip-flops and your heart sinks, you’ll know to take those red ones straight to the till.

5. Recall bad decisions

It’s painful but if you go over a bad decision, you’ll see where you went wrong. Did you listen to your head, not your heart? Or did you do what other people expected, not what you wanted?

Pinpoint that mistake and you won’t make it again.

6. Say what you don’t want

When you can’t even begin to find your way through a maze of choices, start by mapping out what you don’t want, then see what’s left. With fewer options, you’ll feel less overwhelmed and the right path will be easier to spot.

7. Feel the fear

Fear of making the wrong choice makes us stall on big decisions. But imagine how frustrated you’ll be if you don’t make the decision and are still in your current situation in a year’s time – it’ll spur you on.

8. Start small

“Making good decisions is about having confidence in your judgment,” according to psychologist Sue Firth. “Start by setting yourself small decisions, such as what outfit to wear. When you can do this well, you’ll learn to trust yourself over the bigger things, too.”

9. Buy yourself some time

The worst decisions are usually the ones we make in a hurry because they’ re based on our emotions at that moment. If you can reflect on something – even if it’s only for 20 minutes – your judgment will be much sounder.

10. Start imagining

“lmagine that you’ve already made the decision, then examine how you feel,” says Liz Tucker, author of When You Want To Say Yes But Your Body Says No.

“It’s normal to be nervous but if you’re also excited, go for it. If you’ve got a sense of dread, however, it’s not the best option right now.” – UPS

Wahai hati,
Aku tahu diri mu berduka
Aku tahu kau memedam rasa,
Pilu yang mengusik jiwa,
Lantas mengalirlah airmata.

Wahai hati,
Ujian datang bertimpa2,
Kehidupan jadi tak selesa semula,
Kehilangan pastikan menjelma,
Dan keresahan datang lagi mengoda.

Wahai hati,
Usah kesali pada rindu yang hilang,
Usah mengharap pada kasih dan sayang,
Usah dikenang pada kemesraan semalam,
Lantaran semuanya tak mungkin tercapai tangan.

Wahai hati,
Simpan segala duka mu,
Pamirkan semula keriangan mu,
Agar tiada siapa yang tahu,
Hati mu kini kosong,
Kaku dan beku.

a

Is there such thing s a perfect job?? i'm sure there are..somehow.. i mean, you hear abt ppl who love their job etc etc.. somehow i always imagine that the dream job that we wanted, the things that we love to do.. e.g. write, paint, bake/cook, read, travel,... not quite the money making type.. well, given that you're no pioneer in these fields anyway..

I happened to read my horoscope (i dont take these stuff seriously, but it's fun to read anyway..) one day & got struck by what was said. it's quite general, yet nailed my feelings right on..

"You're tired of performing duties that don't seem to make a positive difference in the world. If you can't leave your present situation, begin volunteering for an organisation that does work you admire. Pretty soon, you'll gain enough prominence and stature to seize a paying position. When you do what you love, the money will follow. It's a powerful law of the Universe."

if only it was that easy.. i cant even decide what is it that i love.. hehe.. altho some in my lists are:
1. reading - is there some kind of job where ppl would pay me to read?? maybe become a book reviewer (does it even exists?)
2. baking - i love baking, but i'm no delia smith or any of those well-known chefs.. i dont even have that much of a variety in cooking.. altho no one has died just yet..
3. interior decorating - i love pretty things, i love shopping...i dont have that much money to spend tho... i do not have a spic & span, gleaming with cleanliness type rooms.. hehe.. so i doubt anyone would pay me to make-over their room..

i seem to like creative stuff, yet i think too conversatively, too practical.. so where do i fit in the world right now? hmm.. i have no idea.. :p

so have a good weekend.. since i still cant move this weekend, i'll most likely go shopping.. i so cant get that shoe in OU out of my mind.. i really cant spend my money on stuff like there when there's a whole list of items, which i cant afford in my list of essentials.. oh well.. mega sale is only 3x per year.. haha..

He's getting married tonite!! After isyak... omg!!

who is he? hmm.. good question really.. he's more than just my friend.. he's not quite my ex.. it's somewhere in between.. but he is the closest male friend i've got, and prolly the one who understands me the most.. or at least i'd like to think so..

we met during my first year of uni.. he was a friend of a friend.. we went out.. we called each other often.. we never managed to cross that gf/bf thing tho.. not sure why.. guess it was never meant to be.. but he'll always be special to me..

i know during the time that we knew each other, i have hurt him unintentionally many times.. prolly was the last straw the last time we fought.. we hadnt had contact for a while (which with him, it wasnt surprising), but when he did, it was to inform me abt his new gf (now fiance). It was a promised we made to each other, to always tell each other the truth & tell the other if we met someone else. no hard feelings if we do and hopefully will always be friends.

i think i'm brave enough to go to his akad.. i know he's really expecting me to come.. he specifically asked me to come.. but am i ready to face the fact that he'll belong to another forever? that i no longer have that special place in his heart? it's not gonna be the same after this altho he promised that he's still my friend.

no, i'm too coward to face it. i'll just hear abt it, or read his mail but to see it.. well, i know i'm able to maintain my composure in front of other people, but not quite to myself.. oh, i'm happy for him.. he has been unhappy for a while, he deserve some happiness.. but for me to see it, given my own heartbreak is still too raw, i'm not sure i'm able to take it.. maybe my decision not to go is wrong.. maybe it's better for me to see with my own eyes..

i promised him i'd call before he leave the country.. maybe i shud just call tonite, before the event.. maybe i shud wait till he's abt to leave.. maybe i wont call him at all.. me being the softie, i will call him, i can break his heart another time.. he's already too dissapointed that i'm not coming tonite.

he's getting married?? i still cant believe it..

As of 4++pm yesterday, my bro is the proud father of a healthy baby boy, Iman Reza. However, due to some complication, SIL had to go thru Ceasarian instead of normal delivery..

Congrats to the two proud parents..

I havent actually heard the song, but found it when i was bloghopping.. just what i needed to remind myself..

That's All I Want

Take it from me

That you're gonna be in love

Just give yourself some time

You're just in a shaky frame of mind

Take it from me

That everyone's not that way

Just out to break your heart

So baby don't fall apart

I know that it hurts sometimes

But girl if you let me ride

I'll make you feel the way you want

I'll make you feel like you're in love

Don't want you to compromise

We can just take our time

Whatever makes you feel you're loved

That's all I want

Take it from me

You're gonna love someone

I can see it in your eyes

Somebody's gotta treat you right

Take it from me

Your life is bound to change

He'll never, ever break your heart

You'll never have to feel that pain

Cont..
 
Fuh! I did managed to go through it.. It wasn’t easy tho.. I kept thinking that someone might notice how uncomfortable I am but since no one knew, I guess it didn’t occurred to them..
 
I mean.. how do we go back to those old haunts.. places that we’ve been with that person.. things that we did with them.. ?? How do we face these old flames of ours? To be within that close proximity to someone I’m not ready to face, the thought of possibility of a chance meeting with him, when the scar has not fully healed.. is a little too unnerving.. too awkward..
 
when do I say I’ve finally moved on? When I met someone else? What if I don’t meet that anyone.. ? not only did I have to have business dinner next to his office tonite, I also have to decide whether I am able to make it to another old crush’s wedding next month.. is this some sort of test to check whether I am over these people?? Come on, the hurt is still way too raw for me to even rely on my rational thinking..
 
I dunno abt other ppl or how they’d react.. but I myself tend to believe that these ppl who has played some parts in my live that is close to my heart.. would tend to stir some feeling when I do meet them again..i mean, that’s why they were in your life in the first place right? although the feeling would most likely to have change to just tenderness or friendship or something I cant truly explain..

testing...

Oh no...
 
do i dare to be within close proximity with him? regardless that i have a remote chance of actually facing him face-to-face... i guess cant back out now...
 
Will provide more details after i go through this...