Princess Lilue

I went for a YE Advisor training last week.. a pretty good excuse to get off work & doing something fun (sort of) for a change..

anyway.. the end part of the training includes some character analysis based on this 16-character type definition thing, which incidently, i think i've tried out before.. anyway, this time there's someone to explain it to me.. i think i am an ISTP (introvert, sensing, thinker & perceiver).. which in plain english, it means that i'm thrive at solving problems, and solving it in anyway i can.. how it turns out(looks-wise) are not important.. and the only way i can relax is, in his word -> to go to sleep.. ;p hmm, i'm no MacGyver but i do supposed it's close enough to me..
ISTP
Inside I am continually reworking an issue. I am constantly open to new directions, always tweaking and bringing in new information. I solve a problem by looking at all the angles, probably whatever side I need to. There is an answer, and I just need to get to the best way to figure it out—to meet my objectives and give it to people how it is without annoying anyone.
To work with difficult situations I become very logical and very analytical, and I look to see where things fit. I always watch and if there’s a problem, I go back inside myself to see what may need to be done and how best to approach a situation. I like to find a technique.
The observational part of me is the ability to see when an opportunity exists and to actually act on it and make things a little bit better. I like to choose the timing for when it’s appropriate to say or do something. I spend a lot of time considering scenarios before I make decisions. I’ll usually go with a hunch, my intuition, what’s the most likely cause. I do my best problem solving in my head away from whatever it is. I step back outside of things, think for a while, and make adjustments—could this be better than that, how do these react, and how does the whole system go together? I’m willing to do the upfront work, which makes it expedient because I never have to repeat it.
In my work, I don’t want to be just doing stuff for the sake of doing stuff. I like to accomplish things—make a contribution. That’s real important. I take a “do it” type of approach. It’s very practical. It’s very here and now. That does not mean I don’t take into consideration the big picture and what’s down the road and what’s best for the organization, but at the same time my big focus is “let’s get this show on the road and let’s do it.” I do it as well as I can. Then I think very well on my feet. I can be quick with the verbal comeback—I like the impact. I just get in there and do it, and whatever job I go into, I hit the ground running. And I’m very competitive, often with myself. I tie one hand behind my back and see if I can still do it.
Those times that I have to use my heart, it drives me crazy because I’m looking for things in clear-cut answers. I have a hard time agreeing that other people look at things completely differently. People should think things through. I have a problem with people reading between the lines. They hear words I never say, and I select my words carefully. I can take myself out of it so I usually don’t take things personally. And I find I have to make a point to remember that people are part of the equation. I have to work that in.
I rarely work on one thing at a time. I get an idea and chase it down. I’m always studying—not just books but looking at what interests me. I customize everything I touch; people tell me I can’t do something, and I say sure I can. And I like time to just sit down and enjoy. But when I have too much time I tend to just pick away at things. I am really much better when there is a deadline.
I look at the world as a place to enjoy. I like things to smell good, taste good, look and feel good. I love exploring the outdoors. The peace and stillness, the little noises and different views. I feel really comfortable out there. I have no desire to be with people when I don’t know anybody. It’s a delightful sensation when I see an animal.
I don’t like the social stuff. It takes too much time, too much energy. I’m bored. I can’t figure out how to make myself more relaxed, and I never really know what I’m supposed to be saying. I have only a few close friends that I really see a lot. Yet people have seen me as someone very lively and talkative. That’s the part of me that likes life to be an adventure.
I like flexibility in what I do. Fun means something that interests me. Organized things don’t come to me easily, but I can do them. I’ve always found ways to make things fun. It’s a game to make sure you can come to the next point where you have freedom again There’s something insincere about doing something just because of somebody or something else. What I do has to make sense, have impact. I cannot stand just busy work. It has to be meaningful. I have an incredible amount of enthusiasm and passion for certain things that I do and want to see done.

Fate is truly going overtime in playing these cruel jokes on me.. just kill me already, why dont you? at least it'll be the end of it all..

I must have been soo bad.. done soo many wrongs to be tested this way.. i'm sorry but i am not that strong.. i give up.. i thot the tests are over.. i suppose i should have expected it, but i didnt think it would be this soon, this sudden.. am i asking for too much, just for a little peace..? a little slice of happiness?

maybe they are trying to tell me something.. that's why they say they love me, but marry another.. maybe that's why even after they're married, they still wont go away.. maybe i'm not meant for love and marriage.. maybe i've never truly learn to love & be loved.. maybe i'm not meant to be... maybe...

maybe i just need to get away from it all.. from everyone.. from everything.. if only i could..

amenda la lagi pakcik nie nak? sometimes the Boss can really get on my nerves.. i know la we've got the Big Boss coming in on monday to interrogate us.. but dont la start panicky & bugging me abt it.. you want to do something abt it.. you do it.. i've done my part & there's really nothing more i can add to it to save our butts, so you're not exactly helping here by making me go thru it 10 more times..

Sometime i do wonder how you lasted this long.. one time boss sneeze, you jump 5 storeys-high.. or maybe that's why the bosses just love you.. you'll commit something, but it's not you who dies.. it's us, the "kuli's"... so yes, you do not exactly help to remove the obstacle for me to do my job..

so stop panicking & just take the heat.. once it's over, then we can go back to our daily grind as usual.. if you start falling apart, what do you think i will do? you are supposed to be the boss you know.. i'm already doing as much as i can to help you.. but if you dont know a thing, how you want me help you face the boss? yeah sure, i already doing the answering & face the firing squad, i cant exactly cover for you at the same time..not my fault if you only "manage" & not know what's happening..

anyway.. i'll be as ready as i'll ever be.. (which is pretty much.. not! ) .. ;p

erk..already 4.30 & got another 15mins to get to that boarding gate...so better hurry.. cheh, i didnt even get to browse thru Changi's bookstore..they usually have some good stuff over here.. oh well, might as well not spend that money that i should not..haha..

what am i doing in spore in the middle of the week? god knows la.. boss ask me to.. so whatever.. if i can have another day to spend here, that would have been great but yeah right.. i'm so gonna miss all this travelling tho if i change job.. should really have that talk with my boss.. can i like.. not rotate into that boring analyst job thingy? hehe..

arghh.. it's already morning?? and i was having such a yummy dream.. :( was dreaming that i met someone & just started going out with him.. and he looked just like Hugh Jackman.. ahaks.. if only la kan.. hehe.. of course la not fair for me to compare it to whomever i'm going out with kan.. i wouldnt be so mean nor so shallow... but no harm in dreaming surely..

Darn.. just when i thot i'd be able to go back & rest this poor throat + head of mine.. boss want me to sit in tonite's call.. can i get a 2 or 3-day MC just coz of my sore throat/coughing? :( nie nak dapat 1 hari pun susah.. by far, one of the worst i've ever had.. and this dry-cough is making my head hurts.. cheh...

dont you ever get that feeling that whatever you do, boss almost always expects more of you? yelah, mmg la after a while you get a hang of it.. but it is coz you're capable or coz you have to? hhmmm.. sometime i do wonder, just how far would they push you? just how far would you go for your career's sake? of course having 'kiasu' colleagues doesn't help.. it just raises the competition level.. and your tension level too.. ;p

Wasn't feeling well yesterday, so was in bed before 10.. so imagine my surprised when i received a phone call at abt 2am telling me abt the earthquake in Sumatera & the tsunami warning.. sorry, girl.. took a while for it to register.. hehe.. but only called up parents at abt 6am to warn them.. well, was gonna call earlier but fell asleep.. prolly shud have tho if it was a major warning, but at the same time, wouldnt wanna them to alarm them unnessarily.. hmm.. must think abt it..

anyway.. better go home..it's almost 8 anyway & gotta go to the airport later...

Found this mail forwarded to my mailbox..

I dunt know whether i am supposed to write it here or not, but i guess..just take this as a piece of my not-so-good thought.

Couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine come over to my place, and as what she said to me, she just wanna have some peace and rest.Well, even we're very good friend, she's not the type who's always come over to my place for weekend, cos she was always busy with her 'commitment'.But i guess that day she need somebody to talk to..so, i prepared my ears to lend it to her.

At first she seems like having nothing unusual, but i can say that she was good in acting.She laugh, telling me gossip, so and so...but her eyes told me that something was wrong somewhere.My mind keep on thinking 'bout her weird act, about her so-called commitment, and many others thing that could relate to her.I thought she wasn't yet ready to share, but it wasn't for long.Finally she burst into something that made me drown into a deep thought.

Friend : I envy u..u know
Me : (half laughing) Envy? ooo c'mon, u know i got nothing to envy.At the age of 30, i'm still single..still makan gaji n gotta work like hell for life..
Friend : well..at least u still can hope for a good guy to be your ehem..ehem..(she laugh a bit..a fake laugh i can say`)
Me : Merepek la..
Friend : U know wut i usually did at saturday nite like this?
Me : Emm..you aa,dating la kan..wut else..
Friend : hehe ...(again..fake laugh)
Me : well..how bout dis weekends? Miss me so much ke sampai u wanna stay here..?(jokingly..)
Friend : I kecik hati ngan Fazziq (her bf)
Me : kecik hati?well..u ni,cepat sgt melatah la.dis time ape dier buat?he forget to puji u cam dlu gak ke?
Friend : No la..
Me : anything to share..?
Friend : I didnt called me 2 days..and i get worried.maybe he got into something ke.. so,i finally decided to call him.at first he didnt answered, i tried for second time..again..not answered..and it's not engaged..
Me : Then..
Friend : It 8.30pm, so i fikir baik la..maybe he's at surau
ke, though i know dats kinda illogical for him.So just for my own
satisfaction, i tried for the 3rd time..
Me : He picked it up?
Friend : yup..and then simply end call (u know the tune rite..?!)
ME : then, wut did u do?
Friend : I got mad la..wut on earth dat make him end call macam tu je.Let
say he's busy pon..just tell me,no need to put me like dat kan..so,i called
him again and again..
Me : ...(listening to her)
Friend : then finally he picked the line.u know what he said when i asked nape dier tak angkat my phone?
Me : wut?
Friend : "takde ape nak cakap, tu sebab i tak angkat.."
Me : So, u kecik hati cos dier tak angkat phone you?
Friend : no..i know maybe dier penat
Me : so..ape yang u kecik hati nyer?
Friend : (sigh) u know kami akan kahwin this year or next year, and spend life together.But, how we gonna marry and living together, when skarang ni pon kami dah takde ape nak dicakapkan?isn't that marriage is for sharing your life.. then, how we gonna share when we got nothing else to be shared? i'm upset..
Me : emm..maybe he doesn't mean that way..
Friend : If he doesn't mean that way pon..it makes me think you know.How am i gonna spend my life with this man, when skarang ni pon.."takde ape nak dicakapkan.."

I am startled, and somehow agree with what my friend had said.I know her boyfriend very well, he's nice, and caring enough.But what make him to say that thing.Got nothing else to say..seems like as if they had it enough..no more to share.Well..i am not so experienced in this love matters..but,it makes me wondering..isn't love is for sharing and caring? Giving and receiving? And when it comes to the point that u got nothing to share..is it the end of your lovelife?

sigh..

I am one of those who finds it difficult to talk to people but that doesnt mean i don't talk at all. To those closest to me, i can sometimes talk non-stop.. hehe..

which is why being able to talk to my partner would definitely be a priority to me.. like my parents.. even after more than 30yrs of marriage, they are still each other's best friends & can chat non stop abt everything & nothing at all..

heck, one time, they were doing some gardening (or rather "menebas lalang") at my grandfather's house, they'd be chatting for hours & barely doing any work.. a passing neighbour even commented why on earth would my parents rather stand around in the middle of the "semak", being harressed by mosquitoes than be seated comfortably in the living room to chat.. hehe.. yup, it's that 'bad'.. ;)

It may be a minor thing, but ability to "talk" to your partner, to me is quite important.. besides, if you're gonna live with this person for life, not being to talk will mean a verryy boring life together, init? hehe.. and i'm not even gonna say anything abt love, connection between the two & yadda..yadda..yadda.. u figure it out..

Is it just me or people are just out to take revenge of some sort from me??

So, it’s my fault.. you said you liked me, I said no.. are you gonna hold it against me for that decision for life? I don’t know if I made the right decision.. I still don’t.. but I’m not the one who got married; you did... so why are you imposing your doubts on me? You have no right to ask me questions abt the past... abt what-might-have-been... abt the whys & why nots...

some people might be flattered... some might think it’s amusing... sorry, I don’t... I don’t find it funny when married guys asking me what were my feelings for them... I don’t even find it amusing that you insist that I attend your wedding... I am not flattered that I am notoriously known in a function... knowing fully well that everyone were expecting me... comparing me... judging me... and it irritates me so when you & wife dragged my name into your problems (and this is the ones I hear abt.. the ones I don’t? )…

I’m a Capricorn, once I made my decision, I try to live with it... sure, sometimes it occurred to me that I made a mistake... maybe I was wrong to let any one of you walk out of my life.. after all, I liked you enough to be your friend... but I have my reasons not to accept you... call it picky, call it insane, call it gut instinct... there’s always something that is missing.. maybe that’s why I still am not married... maybe that why the ones I do love, don’t stick around... who knows...

the story ends the minute you got married... in fact, to me, the moment when you agreed to get married, when you met that someone else.... that’s it... no turning back, no regrets, no doubts... I am your friend, if possible… if not, too bad... why should i worry abt what it will do to your marriage when you dont? god knows why but i do.. so don’t pull this guilt trip on me...It is not fair to the wife... it is not fair to me... ... so if you did/do care for me, don’t do this to me...

(not that they would ever read this...but I just had to get it out of my system)

auntie, would have loved to attend your daughter’s upcoming wedding, but not with the history we have, not with whatever intention you might have for inviting me... I know you never fully accepted my decisions & disappointed when he chose another.. she’s your DIL.. accept that fact & don’t grudge me my life..

friend.. I know & you know that you’re happy with the wife so do yourself a favour & leave me out of the marriage… and if I have to break the friendship for this, so be it..

I've got too much going on in my head.. yet no idea where to start..

The month started off with a large scale audit by the corporate team.. which i totally screw up on my part.. :( well, i'm only human okay.. doesnt help that most of last year i was totally overwhelmed with own problems to really concentrate on things like filing and stuff..

at least, for one thing it does tell the bosses that 1 person really cannot handle all these responsibility & control everything..or do they even get it?? hmm.. seems to me that even more work is asked from you as a result.. ;( i suppose it's just excuses really, but.. i don't know.. either i don't know how to do my job or i'm doing too much.. it's just that it's really2 frustrating when i see myself not being able to do the job..

at least the boss is still giving me my bonuses (which have not been banked in yet).. hehe.. this would definitely help pay off the graduation tickets for my guests this weekend.. *wink*

anyway, on the matters of the heart.. hmm.. how do i say it? my mind is currently in a total mess & the truth is.. i don't know what it is that i feel these days.. and i supposed that it's not fair to some ppl.. it has been long enough that i've been creating this cocoon around myself, shutting myself at home & partly, shutting out my friends too..

i'd suposed i'd be more cynical but that's just not in me.. i still believe in dreams.. that there are good in people.. that i don't have to try so hard to be happy.. that they didn't mean that they hate me & sorry for what they did.. that maybe, maybe he truly did love me.. that we could still make it work.. oh well, it's all only in my dream.. i should really learn to love another, right?

Oh no...i'm so totally getting fried by my boss over this! adoi.. how la..
help!..

I sometimes wonder why we subject ourselves to the things we do.. do we really need to work for such absurbly long hours? everyone is in a competition all the time, for promotion, fame, something ...

and in this town, everyone is always rushing for time..we're doing our banking at nite... paying our bills at odd hours..having dinner at midnite..buying groceries just before the stores closes.. "life" starts after work ie at nite & all these technology in the world are not making our life simpler.. (i just generalising here, okay.. so sue me..)

Maybe i'm just not that ambitious.. maybe i'm just being a spoilt brat or just plain lazy.. but i'm just not into this rat race thing.. hey i like my job, pretty much my life & i know can move forward along this path.. but i seriously do not see myself living this life for another 10 years, 20 years.. but the thing is, i dont think this lifestyle is limited only to my workplace.. or my job function.. instead i see it everywhere.. it's becoming a norm..expected..

does the money we receive can compansate for all the things we are sacrificing now? that is even if you do get the pay you deserve.. or other perks you might enjoy.. maybe the self esteem/respect/etc that you're looking for.. maybe the glamour of the title.. maybe the challenges that you face.. a way to support the lifestyle you have/want..

or maybe i'm judging it too harshly, given my current outlook of life.. ? that it is just me who have given up trying ? not have not tried enough ? are not doing it right ? that my mood swings are affecting my logic thinking ? that i'm trying to blame my job/lifestyle/other people for everything that's gone wrong in my life.. ? maybe i just have not found a 'true calling' of some sort (if such thing even exist) ?

maybe.. maybe i just think too much.. abt everything & nothing.. which is why only bits & pieces of these nonsense makes sense.. if you can find it.. haha..


Extracted this from a website.. Read it..

Time is not a measure: but rather a quality. When we look at the past we are not rewinding a tape but remembering a gift of our passage on Earth. Time is not measured like a road is measured, since we take gigantic leaps backwards (memories) and forwards (projects).

Managing is not living: “time is money” is nonsense. We have to be aware of each moment and know how to take advantage of each single moment in what we are doing (with love) or in just contemplating life. A day has 24 hours and an infinity of moments. If we slow down, everything will last much longer. Of course, washing the dishes can take longer too, but why not use that time to think about pleasant things, singing, relaxing, being happy at just being alive?

Acting in the face of negative emotions: when we sit down on the sofa, we turn on the television (which is actually a way to “turn off” from the world). Or else we grow very anxious, feel we are wasting time, that we need to call someone, do gymnastics, tidy up the house. Why? Because if we stay quiet, all the wave of repressed emotions will assail us, depress us, leave us feeling sad or guilty. But the more we “keep busy” the more these emotions pile up, until one day we run the risk of seeing them explode out of control.

Yes, we all have our problems, which have to be faced – why not do this today? Stop. Think. Maybe suffer a little. But in the end, understand who we are, what we feel, what we are doing here at this very moment – instead of wanting to determine the Agenda of Life.

Darn it.. dunno why, but i'm soooo stressed out...
Could be coz the boss is bugging me too much & work is piling up as it is..
or coz of the weather..
or due to last nite's msg..

why? why do you need to come back into my life? is there some kind of unwritten rule somewhere that you guys just can't leave me alone? You're the one who moved on yet you can't let me go? it's not funny okay ?

sheesh.. the things you do for your job... just today i got chewed up by ppl complaining abt the bosses.. and other complaints in general.. hehe.. what to do.. me being the middle person get fired from both end... it's not that i dont wanna do something about it.. sure, there's loads of idea i'd wish i could bring about, things i wanna implement... but up to a point, all you wanna do is complete what is required of you & go home.. as it is you're doing too much fire-fighting, rather than getting thru to the root..

used to be i dreamed of this jet-setting lifestyle (even if i only get to as far as Singapore & Batam.. hehe), having flexible working hours, casual work dress code.. to tell the truth, did get almost of of it, in a way.. but yet.. something is still not enough.. see, how ungrateful i am to Him, after all, Allah only gave me what i wanted, right? yeah well.. doesn't help that mum's going on with her "work with gomen" campaign.. i'm so tired of everything, i'm actually considering it.. as a change.. maybe.. but seriously? dunno if i can survive that....

anyway.. i'm just whining out loud.. as much as i would like to stop & smell the flowers, actually living life rather than going thru it, could not come up with any.. logical plan on how to do that.. yet.. if the rest of these crew can survive it, surely i can too.. somehow.. before i burn myself out.. or go insane in the process.. ha ha..

v-day huh? not that i've ever celebrated it before, but i supposed i don't oppose it either.. admitted it is fun seeing the things that ppl do on that day, but nah.. i'm too practical for that.. i do however love the stuff that sells during v-day tho.. you can find the cutest teddy bears & heart-shape whatevers & daily-dose of movies, love songs.. hehe..

but this time, i can't help but reflect on the things that happened during last feb.. it's been a year since then.. and i believed that i've come a long way.. not quite a 360 turnaround, nor do i feel as matured as i thought i would be at this age.. in fact have been more cynical that i've ever been in life

But something came up last nite.. maybe, just maybe, this v-day could mean something this time..

Was reading this so-call birthday analysis..

Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature. You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the business world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities. The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervous tension. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You do, however, work very well with people.

You can probably do and succeed at almost ANYTHING you put your mind to.Any job that uses your creativity, social contacts, words and a sense of humor are pure gold for your Destiny. Yes, I know this can encompass a wide variety of career options. As long as they give you the ability to exercise your brain and enthusiasm, they will be okay.Careers I want to warn you against are those that involve detail and analytical skills. Not that you aren't good at analysis -- it's probably...

Face it, time clocks and nine-to-five jobs just aren't you! If you're aiming to become a small cog in a large corporate machine, you should forget it.With your restless nature, you're far better off with a flexible schedule. This same restlessness also means you'll be able to work on many projects simultaneously. The trick is, though, to find an employer who appreciates you as you are, who knows how to get the best from you, and who realizes that you're a woman who can get the job done - but on your own terms.

hmm..not bad analysis tho.. guess that's explains a few things.. hehe.. so guess i should be looking around for a place where i can dictate "my own terms" ! if anyone knows a place like that, do be sure to inform me abt it.. hehe..

Would you invite your ex to your wedding??

Hehe.. well, that was the question asked during this morning's Mix FM radio show.. and this guy called up to share his hilarious encounter when he attended his ex's wedding.. the bride actually had all her exes placed in one table.. you can just imagine the stories that came out.. they were comparing when they met the her, how long they were together & even how many who has slept with her! OMG.. hehe.. aren't you supposed to keep them well away from each other..?

well, personally, i've only had one.. but there were a few who were more-than-friends-but-not-bf.. heck, i was already someone's ex before i ever had a bf! hahah.. don't ask me how that happen... people! they think they know so much about you & start talking behind your back not knowing that all they're saying is soo far from the truth..

one wedding which i attended.. or rather "forced" to attend a few years back was for this guy i met during my a-levels.. we almost had something going on, but it never came to anything.. sure, i was crushed when i heard he met someone at uni, but then we were friends after all & it's not like there's anything between us... so even if we no longer kept in touch, we do have the same friends & we do see each other at certain functions, so no point of me being less than civil about it..

however, the wife was so sure that i'm his ex, that she'd be making so much fuss whenever the topic of muah comes up.. Duh! like i care.. but i do pity my friends who are friends with her & hubby.. so that's how i was "forced" to attend their wedding.. the wife rounded up my friends to make sure that i attend.. not sure what that was supposed to achieve tho, but after almost 3 years of trying to avoid any confrontation with this mad woman, i decided to go.. & did it in style no less...ahaks..
brought along an escort.. lucky for me my cuz was a willing conspirator, although he almost got busted as some of his friends were there as well.. also last i heard about it was he did get some trashing from his gf abt this (although from my limited knowledge, they were not together yet during that time.. ).. opps.. didn't mean to get him in trouble..

i didn't realised it then but seems that i surprised quite a lot of people that nite.. news even travelled all the way to UK.. & the guy i was sort of seeing (off & on then), called me from UK asking me abt it.. poor guy.. & when it came this guy's wedding... well.. i better continue the story in pt 2.. this is getting too long, even for me.. haha..

so i'm off to waste a few hours before my 9pm meeting.. hmm..where should i go?? .....

So what if i want to stay in this cloud of mine?
where none of the bad things can ever touch me?
where i don't have to think about the future?
or what i need/should do?

I may not be as happy as I should, but I am not unhappy now..
I just need a little peace in my life.. at least for a while..
So leave me be.. allow me to enjoy while it lasts..
for i am sure it will not..

"People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Abraham Lincoln

Darn it.. wished that i could actually go to Australia, rather than just do this new job from Spore.. hehe.. well, it's good enough that i do get travel at all huh? maybe one of these days... i don't like my job, but i do like my job too.. hehe.. can't seem to make up my mind here.. anyway, just how many people do you know who love theirs? i'll last it out here for as long as i can.. or at least till something better comes up.. hehe..

Wondered what caused the blackout this afternoon, that almost all of Klang Valley got affected? Luckily i was on my way out of lunch already, & not caught in the jam due to no traffic light.. in fact, my lunch partner's wife got caught in the elevator in Putrajaya during the blackout.. at least, only for a few minutes before it started again (must be the backup power..)..but scarily, the door opened to reveal walls, as she was in between floors when it happened...

god.. i so do not like these 'performance review' thingy...
and all those pep talk..
you need to be more aggrassive...
you need to project more leadership quality...
you should be looking for opportunities to grow...
you need to learn to work smart, not work hard...identify & eliminate wastage...
at this age, you should be more career-minded, mix with the right people...


yeah... yeah... tell me about it..
and these so-call "work-life balance".. how is it possible to have such thing, with the amount of work expected out of us, & this current headcount.. ? As it is, what we do is never enough.. & he just couldn't get over the fact that i passed over that vacancy..

well.. i'm not exactly aiming for the head.. nor am i willing to stay in this level forever.. but i don't exactly know what is it that i'm looking for.. where to specialise.. what to aim/focus on.. he said that experience doesn't matter if you're strong enough to compete, to get what you want.. and yes, in this environment, we need to be fast & we need to be better than the next person & we need to be visible.. one way or another..

and how do i do that? nooo idea whatsoeva....

2004 has finally left us.. Happy New Year!!

This year's New Year celebration was pretty low key as compared to the last.. Prolly due to the cancellation of countdown by Singapore, plus the rain has been going on/off throughout the whole day.. either that or Grand Hyatt throws a better party than Conrad... hehe..

But watching those people on the dance floor, i can't help but noticed that the westerners really do know how to dance.. well, not all of course.. but those who knew, wow, should see how the guys twirl the girls round & round... they looked like they're having a ball.. what, me join them? woohoo, don't think so.. i'm way to self-conscious to be dancing all nite.. haha.. the asians however & here's mostly the elderly ones, tend to be more class-room inspired movements.. nonetheless, these ppl do know how to dance, unlike myself..
(Note: just my own observation, not a sweeping generalisation of any particular person/race/region/whatever)

Although the bedroom is smaller than Hyatt's, but it's much better really.. the bed, is so heavenly.. they even turn down the bed for me during the evening, the pillows & duvet is soo soft that you could sink into it... wished i could stay in bed the whole day.. if only the company would pay for me to have another nite there... well, you can't expect me to afford a room like that do you?

But celebrating New Year's on your own, is no fun.. well, what to do.. they tell you to work, that's what you do..

My first dinner party cum birthday went smoothly enough.. Cooked way too much rice, which is slightly tasteless but apart from that the rest was good.. haha.. I know i lived a little out-of-the-way for most of my friends, who mostly live on the other side of KL, so really appreciate those who came..

I appreciate the concern & worries people have on my choice of living arrangements, but heck.. not your problem, is it? at this moment, i'm not up to deal with other people.. nor am i willing to justify myself to anyone.. i may change my mind later.. i might not.. whatever..

But it has made me realised that i do need to be amongst friends.. true friends.. even if other people don't care..
So will plan to have more of this gathering thingy in 2005.. somehow..

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else-Len Wein

Hey.. I'm a year older today.. or as an old friend announced in my friendster, welcome to the late 20s group.. As i got to thinking this morning.. i really don't know how i managed to get thru this year.. in fact, i could still feel the panic, anxiety, humiliation, hurt, hopelessness of the situation when i think about it.. gotta stop it, girl.. you need to get a grip on yourself..

"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."

so one of my new year's resolution is.. to be happy.. one way or another.. i owe it to myself to do so..
Well happy birthday to myself.. !



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An update on the tsunami (well, my update anyway):
-so far none of my family are affected.. in fact parents only left my house that morning & only got up to bukit merah where they stayed the nite at Pak Lang's..
-Aida is fine, although kept getting bombarded by calls from KL office abt the tsunami since her boss is on maternity leave..
-Mr Ash's got thru his wedding without mishap.. (well, that's what he says..)
-He said that him & family are also okay..

I've always loved chrismas.. maybe it's coz of all the hype, being the holiday seasons and all.. or maybe just coz chrismas = snow = memories of my life overseas.. or simply that chrismas means my birthday is just round the corner..

anyway.. birthdays have always been special to me...even if there's no colourful-wrapped presents & fancy greeting cards or parties or anything special on the day..it's just "my day".. it's sort of a milestone for me, that i've reached a certain point in life.. in a way, my 'new year' starts then..

This year had made me realised how easy it is to lose yourself, have seen some people's true colour & knowing who you can turn to in times of trouble, also just how truly alone i really am.. but it wasn't all bad.. i have moved to a new place, my job function has increased (still undecided whether this is good or bad..hehe), i sort of know my way around KL now..

I'm hoping that 2005 would be better.. surely it can't get any worst,..right? at least i hope so..


-In The End, Linkin Park -
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
- his favourite band

Just got my payslips today & my plane ticket.. Wa-hey.. i managed to get a tax refund plus some extra bonuses from my boss.. yeay, now i can go spend it in singapore next week.. free new year trip & money to spend.. how cool is this? \o/ opps, must remember going there for work, not play.. hehe..

i could use a new book.. any recommendations? plus i plan to get my fav perfume too.. ahaks..

Girl.. i so need you right now.. bila la you nak balik from Japan nie?...

What do you say when someone tells you that you have met 'the one'? what do you do when you've already let him go? i know that i've always hoped that my first boyfriend would be my husband, yet after all that i've been thru, thot that was already out of the question..

leaving him was the most difficult decision i had to make.. i've just deleted his emails, smses and phone number recently.. and now you tell me that you want me back with him?!

do i still love him? i think so..
do i think we still have a chance? i'm not sure.. i have a lot of baggages.. if he can't take the heat from me, how is he gonna handle my problems? family who'd kick you when you're down? people waiting to take advantage of you? people who'd ask & ask but never give anything in return?

i know if this is meant to be, it is meant to be.. but how do i forget the hurt he's caused me? the problems that we had ? the fact that he accepted my decision without questioning or fighting it ? i cant be the only one trying to make this work.. i cant help you if you wont help yourself.. but can i forget him? can i let him go? can i be happy with another?

i dont know.. i really dont know..

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

dont be mad at me, it is not my fault.. go vent your anger at them, not me.. i've already had my share of hatred from them, i dont need you to add to it.. and it's one thing to be reminded, but another to be mad at me at things i've yet to do or at mistakes made by others..

just had to rant that out.. there are times when i just can't stand it.. and people ask me why i want to live alone? duh.. if only i could get away.. from everyone and everything.. :(

on another note.. genting was pretty good.. managed to avoid the laptop for almost 3 days.. and the whole weekend.. hehe.. if my bosses can go on leave for 2 weeks, i can at least take these 3 days to laze off..

just reliased that heights are beginning to scare me.. huh! mua? i took on The Big One in Liverpool abt 4 times, 2 times on The Nemesis at Alton Towers, and those rides at Disneyland & Disneyworld.. aiyoo, this is not good.. must be the age thing.. and i so wanted to catch that new ride at Genting & the one at Berjaya.. Having meetings at Genting does not mean you'll get a chance to drop by the theme park.. :p

You don't know how much you mean to certain people. You don't know how loved you are, how admired you are, how respected, how looked up to, how appreciated and how valued you are. Perhaps this is just as well or your head would swell to the size of a hot air balloon. This is a sensitive time. It involves delicate relationships and presents the possibility of difficult exchanges. Yet it also contains much reassurance and comfort. Whatever you are worried about, stop worrying about it.
-Capricorn, Dec 14 2004

Hmm.. i wouldnt know how much of that is true.. esp after all the events that happened this year that just proves just how much people hated me.. and they just wouldnt stop at anything to show their petty claws at me..

But yes, i am not going to burden myself worrying abt it. I've done with my exams, I'll be away from office for the rest of the week.. it's my time to have fun now..

The tougher the times, the more clarity you gain about the difference between what really matters and what you only pretend to care about.

–Po Bronson, Best-Selling Author of “What Should I Do With My Life?”

it's not my intention to take revenge
it's not my fault things are the way they are
it's not my problem what you think
it's not my duty to justify myself to you

Allah must be on my side..

You were speechless!admit it.. hah!now you can say whatever you want.. but we've seen your reaction.. even if no one else does..

My revenge is definitely sweeeet..

As of yesterday, my house is (pretty much) now completed.. hehe..

i know..it's still sumwat unreal even to me.. after all that chaos, to now.. sometimes i think it's sort of a reward to me.. for putting up with so much..

so now my living room & dining is complete, although have not put in any deco lighting just yet.. both rooms now have beds (only..) but dont really use them as much.. hehe.. the hall is still the best coz i get to sleep in front of the telly..

anyway.. will postpone all serious thoughts later.. must concentrate on exam.. yikes!! it's less than a week away.... but i want to go shopping for mirrors & buy flowers & get more pillows &.... :( just get thru this paper & i'll have all the time in the world (apart from work of course..) to go shopping.. now to go on home & hit the books.. after dinner of course.. hehe..

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.
Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

well.. that was quite an interesting weekend i've had..

apart from my marathon classes (which are from fri 6.30-9.30 & both sat/sun 9am-7pm.. yup that's right.. hrs & hrs of lecture.. and one thing i've managed to learn is fall asleep, without falling from my chair or bench.. haha..i seriously tell you, at least to my knowledge, i do not asleep in class at uni, altho i do get very drowsy at times due to lack of sleep doing none studying activities..).. this is also the weekend, the relatives choose to came by..

my parents & my brother's parents (to those who dont know.. just bear with me..maybe will explain one of these days..) stayed over coz they're joining the 'rombongan menghantar pengantin' to pahang on sunday.. not the greatest host i know, cant be there when they arrived.. then my bro & wife and his in-laws, this incl PIL, S/B-IL & their spouses,.. well, what can i say, my bro's wife do have 8 siblings, all quite close in age..with 2 babies in tow.. definitely a full house..

on sunday, my uncle insisted that someone pick up their things from my house & meet them who coming back from pahang somewhere, rather then come back to my place first.. well, i'm in class till 7.. the only other keys are with my parents, who also went to pahang.. hmm.. so his only daugther, had to come all the way from KL to my colleage to get my keys, to my place to pick up the stuff, then back to kl.. whom i'm told later by her, had miscommunication where both parties were waiting at 2 different places.. with the rain & the jam, with all of them pretty exhausted.. quite a circus there.. hehe..

and another sad note.. some unexpected turn of events for some friends of mine.. i do wish you both the best..& somehow work this out.. it's not what i'd hope for you, but either way it goes, you know where to find me.. for now, i'll leave you alone to solve it or till you tell me yourself or whatever..

How do you tell your parents that you are now an adult?

i have been on my own since i was 17.. even though the 1st 2 years was at a boarding school (a-levels), and the next 3 years was at Uni (in campus accomodation).. and since i got back from UK.. and yet, my parents still dictates what i should do and how.. not that i dont appreciate it of course, as i still ask them abt the littlest stuff most of the time anyway.. also it doesnt help that i've been away for so long, that i feel guilty enough that i would listen to them just to compensate..

There are times when i think i am adult enough to live my own life.. yet the other half of the time i'm waiting for someone to hold my hand to go through life.. maybe having siblings would have helped, giving me some peer advice and whatnots.. not that i'm not getting those from friends, but you know, no one else knows your own family like you do..

anyway, being the dutiful daughther that i am.. (i hope).. will try my best to accomodate them & their wishes as much as i can.. with the Hari raya coming, i just wanna say that i'm so sorry.. i have been causing you both a lot of pain this year.. even though not thru any fault of mine (mostly).. hopefully the future will be brighter for us.. dont worry too much, take care of yourselves.. Allah will see us thru these trying times..

Hmm.. how do i ensure that i can get out of here by 4? Last year's balik kampung rush, i managed to leave in time before i got stuck.. heard that abt 10mins or so after i left, the LDP was stuck for 1hr or so, due to ppl trying to get across to the highway... so better make sure i wrap up everything before my training session at 3.. so that i can leave after that.. i hope..
Apart from completed these reports & post it, i think the rest can wait till after the hols.. i do not plan to take home my laptop, so ppl better not call me at home during the hols..

anyway, will only be leaving KL with parents tomorrow.. will have to remember to make sure all doors/windows are locked, all eletrical stuff are switched off, must clean out fridge of possible turning-bad stuff, otherwise when i get back here.. yuck.. etc etc etc

Erk.. already 10 to 6 & i'm still here... how to complete ah?

Dunno why but feeling so lazy lately.. there's still work to be done & we havent even started with the raya preparation.. ;p

is laziness or "rajin" (somehow the word is just not coming to me) something hereditary? i mean, i do my share of work, at work, at home etc, sometime more, sometimes less .. but i'd have to admit i'm quite lazy at times.. and i do respect those who are very 'rajin'.. and i do know my mum's gonna hold it against me till forever.. i guess once the idea is planted, no matter whether people believed it or not, they will always hold a doubt abt it..

Used to be, i thot that depression is something rare.. someone who's weak minded, lack of faith etc.. but over the years i have realised that ppl around me are facing depression.. and there's nothing wrong with these ppl.. although i still think that faith plays an important role here, it is still a disease...

strength is not something that could be taught.. or talked into.. it's also not the problems that you face, but on how you face them..

i dont want to claim that i'm stronger than most ppl or anything like that.. but Allah loves me & had helped me thru the rough times.. there were times when i though i couldnt go on, but Alhamdullilah, i managed to keep my head above water long enough still i could stand back on my own.. and yes, it wasnt easy.. if wasnt for my parents.. my best friends.. i might not have made it thru.. my heart still have the holes there, but i won't let u see it..

so to my friends who are still struggling, hang in there.. u can make it, if you believe in it.. or make yourself believe it..

I'll get over you... I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see... no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself...
~Artist Lyrics: Go West
~Song Lyrics: King Of Wishful Thinking

Think the song's quite appropriate for me now..

Natasha Bedingfield
Title: Single

Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you
Yeah

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want
Doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up
You either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be

Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

[Repeat Chorus]

Everything in it's right time everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way, it's my way
Eh I like it this way

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

Who are you when nobody's watching?
When no one knows what you do, what you think, or what you feel.
You are so much to so many, so who are you to yourself?

Are you exactly the same as you are to the world?
If so, tell me how.
To be so truthful, so real.

When you sit alone.
When you close your eyes.
When you look at that face looking back in the mirror.

What goes through your mind at that moment,
Just between wake and sleep.
What scares you or drives you.

When you stare out the window.
Voices in your head, conversing, arguing.
What are they saying?

There are things nobody knows.
Don't lie.
What are they?

Your insecurities, your true pride.
Your pain and sadness, your joy and gladness.
Your secrets. Your truths.

Watch yourself.
When nobody's watching.
You.

I thot that i have found my "happy ending", but realised that it is yet to come...
insya allah..


So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done (I managed to avoid this..haha)

CHORUS X 2

So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending
-Avril Lavigne-

1. One old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come.

2. Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams should want to see her in an hour.

4. A youth she is content to leave behind, and a past juicy enough for her to look forward to retelling in her old age.

5. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

6. One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry.

7. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

8. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honoured.
9. And a feeling of control over her destiny.


Every woman should know...

1. How to fall in love without losing herself, how to quit a job or break up with a lover, and how to confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

2. When to try harder and when to walk away.

3. That she cannot change the length of her calves, the width of her hips or the nature of her parents.

4. That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

5. What she will or will not do for love, or more.

6. How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

7. Whom she can trust, whom she cannot, and why she shouldn't take some things personally.

8. Where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming motel in the countryside when her soul needs soothing.

9. And what she can or cannot accomplish in a day, a month and a year.

A little offsetting reading it in english, but nonetheless..

Praying to Allaah, may He be exalted

Du’aa’ (prayer or supplication) is very beneficial, and includes both protection and treatment. As far as protection in concerned, the Muslim is obliged to turn to Allaah and pray to Him for refuge from distress and to keep him away from it, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do. His servant Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) tells us: “I used to serve the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he stayed in Madeenah (i.e. was not travelling). I often used to hear him saying: ‘Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika min al-hamm wa’l-hazn wa’l-‘ajz wa’l-kasal wa’l-bukhl wa’l-jubn wa dala’ al-dayn wa ghalbat al-rijaal (O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from distress, grief, incapacity, laziness, miserliness, cowardice, the burden of debt and from being overpowered by men).’”
This du’aa’ is very effective in preventing distress before it happens; prevention is better, and easier, than cure.
When one is worried about what may happen in the future, the following du’aa’ is very beneficial. Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say: “Allaahumma aslih li deeni alladhi huwa ‘ismat amri wa aslih li dunyaaya allati fihaa ma’aashi wa aslih li aakhirati allati fihaa ma’aadi w’aj’al al-hayaata ziyaadatan li fi kulli khayri w’aj’al al-mawta raahatan li min kulli sharr (O Allaah, make me adhere properly to my religion, on which all my affairs depend; make this world good for me in which is my livelihood; make my Hereafter good for me, in which is my ultimate destiny; make my life increase in every good thing and make my death a respite from every evil).”
When distress and pain befall a person, the door of du’aa’ is always open to him; it is never closed. When one calls upon the Most Generous, He will respond and give. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And when My slaves ask you concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright.” [al-Baqarah 2:186]
One of the greatest du’aa’s which take away distress and anxiety and bring joy is the famous du’aa’ which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged everyone who hears it to learn it by heart:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatija naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief, and replace it with joy.” He was asked: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we learn this?” He said: “Of course; everyone who hears it should learn it.”
This important hadeeth indicates the following: the slave should admit that he belongs to Allaah and that he cannot do without Him and has no other master than Allaah; that he should be a slave to Allaah, announce his submission to Him, obey His commandments and heed His prohibitions; that Allaah is directing and controlling him as He wills; that he should demonstrate his submission to Allaah and his acceptance of His decree; that he should pray to Allaah, using all His Names, then ask for what he needs.
A number of other du’aa’s to do with distress and anxiety have also been narrated in the Sunnah. They include the following:
Ibn ‘Abbaas reported that when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) felt distressed, he would say: “Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem al-Haleem, laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb al-‘Arsh al-‘azeem, la ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb al-samawaat wa Rabb al-ard wa Rabb al-‘Arsh al-kareem (There is no god but Allaah, the All-Powerful, the Forbearing; there is no god but Allaah, Lord of the mighty Throne; there is no god but Allaah, Lord of heaven, Lord of earth, and Lord of the noble Throne).”
Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was distressed by something, he would say: “Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoom bi rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living, O Eternal, by Your mercy I seek help).”
Asmaa’ bint ‘Umayr said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me: ‘Shall I not teach you some words which you can say at times of distress? ‘Allaah Allaah rabbee laa ushriku bihi shay’an (Allaah Allaah is my Lord, I do not associate anything with Him).’”
Another of the beneficial du’aa’s which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught us is the one he told us about when he said: “The du’aa’ of the person who is in distress is: ‘Allaahumma rahmataka arjoo fa laa takilni ilaa nafsi tarfat ‘ayn w’aslih li sha’ni kullahu laa ilaaha illa anta (O Allaah, for Your mercy I hope, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye; rectify all my affairs. There is no god except You)’”
If a person thinks about the meaning of these du’aa’s and prays with concentration and a sincere intention, doing all those things that can help to bring about a response, Allaah will fulfil his hopes and do the things asked for; He will turn his distress into joy.
If the du’aa’ comes from a heart which is filled with faith, it will dispel worry and bring comfort. The scholars have mentioned many stories of people who prayed to Allaah in times of calamity and distress, and Allaah responded to their prayer and saved them from an enemy, or from drowning, or from starvation or disaster. One example is the story of what happened to the great Sahaabi al-‘Alaa al-Hadrami, who was one of the most prominent scholars and devoted worshippers, one of the close friends (awliyaa’) of Allaah whose du’aa’s are answered. During the campaign against the apostates of Bahrain, he pitched camp, but before the people could settle down, the camels bolted, carrying away all the provisions of the army, including their tents and water, leaving them with nothing but the clothes they were wearing. It was night-time, and they could not restrain even one camel. The people were filled with indescribable distress and alarm, and some of them began making wills to one another (because they felt that death was inevitable). Al-‘Alaa’ called the people together and said: “O people, are you not Muslims? Are you not striving for the sake of Allaah? Are you not the ansaar (supporters) of Allaah?” They said, “Of course.” He said, “Then be of good cheer, for Allaah will not forsake anyone who is in your situation.” When the time for Fajr prayer came, he called the people to pray and led them in prayer, then he knelt up, and the people did likewise. He started to pray (make du’aa’), raising his hands, and the people did likewise. They prayed until the sun rose, and the people began to look at the mirages caused by the sun, shimmering one after another, all the while fervently praying. When he reached the third [??], Allaah created a great stream of fresh water beside them. [‘Alaa’] walked towards it, and the people followed him, then they drank and washed themselves. Before the sun had reached its zenith, the camels started to come back from all directions, bringing the supplies loaded on them, so the people did not lose anything at all, and they were able to give water to the camels. This is one of the signs of Allaah witnessed by the people during that campaign. (Al-Bidaayah wa’l-Nihaayah: Dhikr riddat ahl al-Bahrayn wa ‘awdatihim).

A man and a woman are sitting in a restaurant arguing about the age-old topic of male-female relationships.

The man, having been in several relationships that did not work out, observed that it was difficult to make a woman happy, saying, "...it has happened to me many times that a lady has told me that I was making her unhappy, and that she wished that she and I were dead, at a time when I have tried hardest to make her happy. It is so many years now since Adam and Eve were first together in the garden, that it seems a great pity that we have not learned better how to please another."

After pondering over what the gentleman had said, this is what the woman replied, to help shed some light on the gentleman's perplexing, though not unique, situation.

"Now God," she said, "when he created Adam and Eve, arranged it so that man takes, in these matters, the part of a guest, and woman that of a hostess. Therefore man takes love lightly, for the honour and dignity of his house is not involved therein. And you can also, surely, be a guest to many people to whom you would never want to be a host. Now, tell me, Count, what does a guest want?"

"I believe," said the man when he had thought for a moment, "that if we do, as I think we ought to here, leave out the crude guest, who comes to be regaled, takes what he can get, and goes away, a guest wants first of all to be diverted, to get out of his daily monotony or worry. Secondly the decent guest wants to shine, to expand himself and impress his own personality upon his surroundings. And thirdly, perhaps, he wants to find some justification for his existence altogether. But since you put it so charmingly, Signora, please tell me now; What does a hostess want?"

"The hostess," said the young lady, "wants to be thanked."

Taken from The Roads Round Pisa by Isak Dinesen in her collection of short stories, Seven Gothic Tales.

*** LILLIES OF THE FIELD ****
Commencement speech made by Pulitzer Prize-Winning author, Anna
Quindlen.

"I am a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.
Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out
of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There
will be hundreds of people doing what you want to do for a living. BUt
you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life.

Your particular life, Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk,
or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the
life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank
account but your soul.

People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier
to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold
comfort on a winter night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or
when you've gotten back the test results and they're not so good.

HERE IS MY RESUME!

I'm a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my
profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer
consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try
to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to friends and
they are to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you
today, because I would be a cardboard cutout. I would be rotten, or at
best mediocre at my job, if those other things were not true.

So here's what I wanted to tell you today:
Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the
bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much
about these things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a
lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself
on a breeze over Seaside heights, a life in which you stop and watch
how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water or the way a baby scowls
with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb
and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who
love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work.

Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which
you are generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and
that you have no business taking it for granted.

Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around.
Take money you would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work
in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister.

All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing
well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, our minutes. It
is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes, the way the
melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It
is so easy to exist instead of living. I learned to live many years
ago. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the
only guarantee you get.

I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of
it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried
to do that, in part, by telling others what I learned. By telling them
this:

Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear.
Read in the backyard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And
think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live
it.

Sometimes you....
Care for the wrong people
Give to unappreciative souls
Respond to those who stay silent
Smile at those who don't bother to see
Cry for the very ones who remain hard through your tears
And you want to be smart, stop, protect yourself
But you don't know how

considering how late we slept last nite, i'm feeling pretty fresh..of sort.. hehe..

anyway.. we had quite a stimulating conversation on our expectations of life & relationship.. and thankfully, i'm not alone in my way of thinking .. i know my expectations are high but still, i'm not looking for a perfect partner, just someone perfect for me..

well.. boss already calling me back to plant.. so have to continue later..

Found this article which i think, given that this is a month of reflections and forgiveness.. i really shud learn to let go & move on with my life.. i know i'm still holding on somehow, even tho at the back of my mind, i know it's over...so it's time to get rid of all things relating to him.. & it's time to stop thinking of the what-ifs & whys'..

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?
You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.
But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

still waiting to be taken for berbuka.. well, if there's ppl who's insisting to take you out, why resist? hehe.. dont get me wrong..it's just my client & i'm not alone either..hehe.. cian my friend, she'd have to berbuka on her own.. but i'm staying over with her till she goes back, right? also, going back to her place is much nearer than my own from here.. ;p

hmm.. so far my ramadhan has not been that different that average days.. so far i still reach home abt 7, usually later.. and at least not eating alone since my friend came down here.. how sad can i be? hehe.. well, i'm one of those ppl, who rather be on my own anyway.. now that i think abt it, i was never that comfortable with ppl.. i suppose some ppl would call me cold or a snob or "sombong".. i'm really not any of those (at least i'd like to think so..).. but i'm really not that good with ppl..

well.. gotta go.. it's another 15mins to berbuka & i still havent left the building yet.. ;p

It's ramadhan again.. i've always love ramadhan.. maybe it's coz of the food that we get to ask for as "reward" for fasting for the day.. or maybe coz we'd be preparing for raya.. my mum used to make our baju raya herself.. so we'd have homemade dresses & baju kurungs.. then we'd be spending the last week of puasa cooking - baking cakes & cookies, making ketupats & rendang (these are usually the nite before..)..it usually's way too tempting smelling the freshly baked food on the table, but of course we'd have to just bear it till break fast, when we could sample it out..

anyway.. havent really had any proper raya since i came back to msia.. there was the bro's wedding, the exams, lack of holidays causing me to rush between here & home..

altho, this year's major problem would be how do i get back.. last year, i went home with my ex.. since we've broken up a while back, i dont have a ride back home.. yeah, it was really handy when both of you heading the same way.. :( well, life goes on.. so the plan is for my parents to come here instead.. altho who we're planning to have raya with, i dont really know actually.. we could always go over to my Pak Tih's place for raya, which we will anyway.. and maybe Pak Ucu.. hmm.. one thing for sure, my parents do have a lot of friends here.. so hopefully they wont mind the relatives much this year seeing that we're barely talking now.. ;p

opps.. better head home before i get stuck in a jam somewhere..

Have you read this one yet? It's a nice, heart-warming story :)

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house".

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessings to all my crackpot friends... ;)

time2 org nak balik.. masa tuh ler byk le benda yg org nak.. tak paham betul le..

oo.. my other boss telling me that he wants me to concentrate more on the audits & transfer some of the other jobs to my current boss.. also that he'd change me to report right to him rather than to my current boss.. hmm.. well supposed that are some good in that.. in a way, that shud help clear up some of my job, in order to concentrate more..otherwise i'd be bogged down with unnecessary problems caused by other ppl.. not that i'd expect these ppl to be mistake-free, but sometimes it is a little irritating when they dont even care or get affected by the mistake, instead knowing that someone can/will solve it for them.. well, i'd supposed i'd think that way too if i were them.. the maintenance part of my job, hmm.. it's not difficult i supposed... but leceh.. also have to be kinda dedicated.. but it does help when you're not busy with something (& when would that be? more likely it's just me who needed to not do work for a few hours..hehe)..

anyway.. my job is the kind that - is difficult to explain to others.. in words, it sounds so much simpler that it really is.. yet, how else would you describe it? ntah le..

kinda cool this friendster thingy.. managed to track down a few friends.. also surprises the way we tend to be linked to someone somehow or rather.. just shows how small this world really is..

okla.. i better ciao before the gate closes..

i'm so tired of :

• work
• my studies
• being responsible
• my lack of rest
• my lack of annual leave/holidays
• having to answer to too many ppl
• being the perfect daughther
• wanting to be loved
• having problems after problems, without any solutions
• tired of being worried that everything will fall apart around me
• tired of being tired..

There's still so many things that i havent done.. things that i need to do, which i dont want to do.. things that i want to do, but have no time to do...

i dont know how long i can keep up this calm exterior when i'm falling apart in the inside..

i dont really know what is it that ppl see when they see me.. i think most people would be pretty surprised if they'd know what goes on in my mind.. as it is, people tend to comment that they're quite surprised when they actually get to know me..

i know i seem to portray (not by purpose, mind you) that i'm:
- nice
- intelligent
- hardworking
- friendly
- brave
- independent
- ambitious
- artistic

However, i think that i am:
- not as nice that ppl think
- selfish
- whiner
- lazy
- watch too much tv
- not independent
- cold
- not good with responsibility
- not artistic, more like "kasar"..


well, i guess the list could go on & on.. i supposed it is just my insecurities that makes me undermime my own capabilities, which of course should not be broadcast to the public.. yet at the same time, i'm just soo afraid that one day someone would notice the real me or that i'd screw up royally..

i know she exaggerate things.. but i dont think that when i was living in her house, my actions was as bad as she says it is (e.g. didnt wash my plates, didnt clean the toilet, hog the tv),... that it warrented me being kick out of the house.. i mean, i know i'm no angel or some clean-freak person & i dont clean up as much as i should.. but surely not to that extend? or is it? ... but given her reputation in bad-mouthing her own kin, i supposed ppl dont give her stories much credit.. but still..

till then, guess i'll continue fumbling thru life the best that i know of.. and try to hold my head above water.. most of the time..

i didnt realised that i was thinking abt him.. but maybe something stayed at the back of my mind, which resulted in me dreaming abt him....it goes something like this (i could never remember my dreams properly, instead it sort of jumps from one scene to another, which sometimes are not related at all..)

i dunno how i met him or why he's there.. but i was going to go somewhere & he asked whether he could follow me.. i answered something along the line that it doesnt matter where he goes coz it's a free country.. somewhere along the line, we sort of ended up holding hand or something, but even in my dream, i kept thinking that i should not be doing this.. then after that he insisted that we go a certain route & kept looking at his watch.. we were walking.. using escalator & stuff, so i'm assuming we were in a supermarket or something.. we ended up near this bench & there's some kind of bill board thing around or behind us..and then he got exasperated/dissapointed (in the way he always does).. and told me that he wanted to run some kind of msg on the billboard thing behind us, not sure if i remember correctly, but i think it was a birthday wish to me, but it didnt came up..

i guess i do miss him.. and the hurt is just a dull ache now.. at times i'd be thinking what if he really was my "jodoh"..? what if he does comes back? but i do know he doesnt love me.. and i think he doesnt know me the way he should as he has a pre-constructed image of what he wants in a partner.. but guess i'd never know now.. i know ppl would tell me to move on.. after all it has been quite some time now.. but i'd like to think that he loved me in his own way, even if it's not the way i wanted.. i dont think that i could get back together with him, altho i'd loved to..

"It's different when it is your own house"..

That is so true.. as excited as i would to move to a new place (e.g. i have to move to a new place for each of my uni years).. its not quite as exciting as moving into something that you own.. something that belongs to you.. but then again, it could be coz i've been waiting for it for wayyy too long.. or that i'm finally seeing something positive for once this year.. somewhat positive that is.. as it is, I already had connection problem with my Astro, problem to install my new washing machine, i cant find that blue local majlis perbandaran's tong sampah thingy & those ppl i called up are giving me such dumb answers..

but there are some good thing - my window is perfect for that curtain i bought ages ago in nottingham (it didnt fit with my parents house's window - too short).. found a really good bargain with the bed..perfect fitting for my duvet & the bed.. found an absolutely lovely tv cabinet piece.. and finally get to use(or rather take out of the box) the stuff i bought back in uk..

well.. there's still a lot more work to be done with the house.. not so much technical stuff or any that requires professional, but rather the small items you'd need or need to do..

will update further on the house.. i may not be a great interior designer (no matter how much i love interior designing), where ideas come rushing over to me.. hehe.. but i do hope it'd be someplace where ppl would remember, would love to come back to, would like to stay..