Princess Lilue

Here i am, in Singapore, on a Saturday, at 5.30pm, - still working while almost everyone else around the world is on hols ? go figure..

Anyway, hopefully will be able to leave before 7pm.. and probably start off tomorrow a bit later.. (yes, i am also working tomorrow..sob!sob!).. that way i'd be able to check out Mandarin's pool.. hehe.. that is if i can wake up early enuff.. hehe.. depending on what's on tonite..

Anyway.. this year has been a pretty hectic & busy, work-wise..oh how time fly so fast... on personal-count, absolute failure in own personal life..haha.. although i'm still hopeful in the coming year..

Next year - well, already have a few major events coming up.. job rotation (if it ever happens..at this rate..), a friend's engagement (whenever u fix the date, girlfriend..just let me know.. hehe)... bro moving nearer to my place.. hmm.. dont know yet whether this will be for better or for worse..

Speaking abt my bro, his son was so sweet.. the other day when my parents & i was visiting him at the new place, he was being his cranky self due to his fever.. again.. but he cant keep his cool for that long.. haha.. wasnt long before he was happily playing with mum.. at one point, he got fascinated with my phone & the game i was playing.. (yelah, dah dia buat sombong kat kita in the 1st place tuh, kita gi la buat something else, like playing the game on the phone..hehe).. he ended up soo engrossed in the game, that he started leaning on me and practically lying on top of me.. alahai comel nye.. hehe.. and this is from this kid, who everytime we meet, sure put on airs & wont let go of his papa.. apa la.. so the drama queen one la this boy.. hehe.. this morning pun, had to like wave like a mad person to him before i got into my cab, before he would flash that winning smile of his .. mahal gile senyum nye tuh.. hehe..

okla.. already rambling nonsense dah nie.. so need to get out of here.. hehe.. mana pulak minah nie gie? tadi kata nak gie tengok shipment dah kuar belum je..

So HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!!

Happy Birthday to me..
Happy Birthday to me..
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday..
Happy Birthday to me.....................

Ahaks.. finally, i'm .. 27! erk.. cam tak caya je.. hehe..

It's 2 more days from my birthday & i've already started my celebration over the weekend.. hehe..

a couple of my girlfriends came over for an early celebration, plus, one of them also just had her birthday on friday.. kira celebrate sekali la.. which of course gave me the perfect reason to avoid a particular event which i didnt really wanna go.. ahaks.. thank you soo much gals..!! with friends like you, i can take on the world.. hehe, or rather forget my woes.. i so need to make sure i make more time to meet up with my girlfriends as part of my new year resolution. Plus while both of them are around in KL & still unattached.. hehe..

something which also happened over the weekend made me realised, just how long it has been since i went out on dates..(not that i do go out that often before tho..& with not-so-many-guys either.. hehe).. heck, i've almost forgotten how it's like.. terrible huh?

This morning itself has brought on 2 early surprises for me.. one was a birthday msg from an old friend.. I havent heard from Mr.Italy for so long, since his marriage last year.. could it be that my theory has been proven to be correct? hehe..i have this theory (which like i said, is my own warped sense of theory on my lovelife) that, of all the guys that i've known (and i mean those who were "more than friends"), they'd be the one who'd leave.. yet, they always came back.. god knows la what exactly they expect from me by doing so, but somehow, they do.. which always puts me in an arkward position, given that they almost always do not include their other-halfs when doing so..

The other one was a call from someone regarding potential Mr.Right.. or so they tell me la.. ahaks.. well, i guess no harm in getting to know someone new.. but why la you guys always come in droves? it has happened before & look where it got me.. absolutely nowhere.. that's why you girls out there should not be like me...ahaks.. dah la tak reti go out with more than 1 guy at a time and plain tak reti go out with people.. i'm such a lost case.. hehe..

but otherwise you'll never hear the end of it.. typical la kan, here i am, almost 27, still single & not seeing anyone, which somehow violates all the rules of the social norm.. not that i mind that much, but the lack of non-couple friends & lack of couple-doom topics (which includes wedding stuff/baby/in-laws/other-half kinda stories) do get to you sometimes...

well, will see what else is in store for the rest of the week.. still have my dinner plans (which dont even know whether we can make it for this week) with Miss.Best.Friend.. wished that a certain someone would do something, however insignificant for the big day, but doubt that that person even knows abt it.. ;p

i know i've got to let go of this.. i suppose, feeling of 'anger'..
it's not like my anger is directed to anything or anyone in specific..
it's just in general..
it's just is..
Maybe it's just the sideeffect of my illness..
Maybe it's was from those incidents..
Maybe it's just... me.

dunno la..

ergh.. there are things that i wanted to purge out of my system, but currently - otak tengah berserabut... so will try to sort that one out.. somehow..

btw, my colleague, who like me, tgh kemaruk nak change our phone.. (hehe.. i know..i know.. not exactly a priority item to splurge on right now.. but i soo la want one.. read that again-want, not need..hehe) managed to got us a pretty good deal on a Sony W550 (i think that is the right model name..) if we pay cash... which is not bad, considering the market price is abt 200+ higher..

i'm actually eyeing the other model, W880 (ok..so i can't exactly remember the model's name..so sue me.. u can go find out yourself, it's that bright orange coloured one...hehe), but that is like soo out of my budget.. come on la.. to spend more than 1/2 of my hard-earned monthly pay on some credit card sized gadget? so very very tempting & i so so want to do so, but the practical side of me is screaming no way... susah jugak being practical nie ek.. haha..

anyway, i'm gonna sleep on it & decide tomorow..but if i can save 200 on that one, then i can buy my dad a new phone too, huh? but then i'd still have to fork out the money, which i didnt have to, in the first place..

hmm..decisions..decisions.. so hard to do.. :p

Talking abt my friend who's getting married this weekend..hmm where to start ya? hehe.. he's pretty much been 'somewhere around in my life', since the start of us, the ptuk12 scholars..hehe.. and i'll see him almost every hols during a-levels (since our school has the same hols every time.. *rolling eyes*...).. he used to send me crazy mails during a-levels (yes, those written & stamped types you know..)... he's forever cracking jokes, telling stories and so darn observant, it's like i can never keep any secrets from him.. haha..

One of the best birthday that i've had was during my trip to his uni, during my 2nd year i think.. me & a bunch of friends, all from various parts of uk, decided to spend christmas hols in scotland (since nearly all of his batch of malaysian uni-mates are close friends of mine anyway)..

as per usual, being it was winter time & fasting month.. we pretty much stayed up all nite & slept in all day.. hehe.. everyday, we'd have to pull & push each other out the door, to actually go & visit the sites & other towns around their uni.. in fact we almost forgotten to keep track of the days & ended having a tour of an almost empty town coz everyone else is out celebrating christmas.. hehe..

The girls threw me a surprise party for my birthday with cakes & lotsa food and such, which btw, i didn't expected half of them to remember.. hehe.. Anyway, he couldn't make it to the party coz he was on his way back from london.. but the truth was, he has already bought me a cake (a 2nd cake) & planned his trip to arrive in time to throw me a surprise party himself (he didnt know abt the girls' party) but got caught coz his train got delayed.. mind you, this is one guy that i know of, who'd always remember everyone's birthday & he has never forgotten to send me a card every year since the start of a-levels till i graduated.. so the next day, the guys invited us to hang out at their place & (he) threw me a(another) surprise party.., by the guys this time he says... it was the sweetest thing anyone ever done for me.. aww..

dont get me wrong tho.. even though i'd say that we've been pretty close, it's not like we share that much time together nor tell each other personal stuff and such.. but i do know that he's a very good friend whom i can rely on.. heck, i could even crashed over at his place, at a short notice at that, with my parents in tow when we wanted to go a tour of scotland.. haha..

dont la ask how come we never ended up together if we're such "good friends".. i guess it our friendship was never that way & not meant to be.. i'm happy for him tho & wish him all the best.. and hopefully we'll get to stay as friends..as it is, since i got back to malaysia, had barely managed to keep in touch with him, since he lack access to emails..dahla, never calls lak tuh when he is in malaysia..dah nak balik sana, baru cakap.. so, will see la how 'grand' the wedding will be on both side this weekend..

~~~~~~~~~
If your friend is the bride.. and she invited you to go to the bridegroom's kenduri.. is it appropriate to go? considering that you dont know the guy, nor anyone else (from his side) for that matter.. hmm.. good question really... but then again, for most of my friend's wedding, i didnt know anyone but for the said friend, which is a problem when that particular person happened to be in the middle of their "acara bersanding" or something.. even worst, when you go to such kenduri on your own.. so have to reconsider going to Miss.Dot's (or madam now) KL reception..

btw..wey, sapa nak ikut i gie kenduri budak2 tuh this weekend?? jomla!!

They say that you can't choose who you're related to; that's why God created friends..

I tried to stay away from you people, knowing just how much you dont like me.. but i dont know, i must have some kind of power or something over you people.. you just cant stay away can you? It's really getting irritating having to put up with your petty comments, acting like we're such bosom buddies when i know that you'd be talking behind my back anyway.. so kampung one, you know.. but i know that i can't get rid of you.. i know that i can't retaliate back because that would just be exactly what you want.. and i am trying to just let it slide, but i'm tired of being the target here..and at some point, i'm just going to blow coz i'm no angel either....so god just please provide me the strengh to have patience with these people.. let me be able to close my eyes & ears (& hopefully my heart) to whatever that they do/say, in order the preserve this very fragile thread of connection between us..

luckily i do have other people to fall back onto.. other people whom i've chose to associate myself with.. who knows me.. who (i hope) truly cares abt me..


~~~~~~

btw, bro already gotten his keys to the apartment, which is opposite my house..so no definite plans as yet when they'll be moving. but i guess should be soon.. apparently my cousin's fiancee also bought an apartment at the same place, but in a different block..i guess will be moving in after their wedding this x-mas..

another note: i've completed my 4000-pieces jigsaw puzzle.. yeay!! now all i have to do is figure out what to do with it? was hoping to be able to frame it up & hang it.. any ideas how? hehe..

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Iye ke? heheh..

ish.. tadi cam banyak je benda nak tulih but takde masa.. now dah ada depan nie, mind is totally blank la pulak.. ;p

tomorrow will be Miss.Dot's wedding reception.. however since it's gonna be in Kedah, decided that i'm not able to make it all the way..will have to make sure that i make it to her KL reception, which ntah la bila.. cheh, dah la i already missed her engagement ceremony arituh..

Apart from Miss.Best.Friend, she's one of my friend whom i've known the longest.. in fact, i knew her before Miss.Best.Friend.. both of us met on our 1st day of Primary 5 at school, waiting to be assigned to our new classes. Her parents are my parent's friends and they just got back from the states then. Over the years, we stayed pretty much in-touch, more so thru our parents rather than on our own (well, she's not much of a letter/mail-writer..). Had thought that i'd probably be the one to beat her down the aisle, but guess fate didnt planned it that way.. hehe..

Next week another friend is also getting married..

will cont. next time.. already getting a headache - they're telling me that i have to work on Monday (it's a public holiday to those who dont know..)..darn it!!! takde keje lain ke diorg nie???? citt!!

A friend of mine from uni, just moved to my neighbourhood last weekend.. So last nite, with another couple of friends, arranged to meet up with her & her husband (& son), at their newly opened shop nearby.. Have to say i'm surprised that they chosed my area since previously they were on the other side of town.. and since i have not seen her since the birth of her son, had quite a lot to catch up with..

As much as i love this friend of mine to bits, she so-la do not have any sense of direction.. no wonder her husband pun tak kasi dia bawa kete.. haha.. buat penat je going round & round the place looking for her house.. her house is just down my road!! Can almost see it from my house lagi.... ler... well, at least she should be able to walk over to my place, if the husband is not around to send her.. hehe..

Looking at the 2 couples with me last nite (whereby 3 of them were from my uni).. just realised something.. it's been 4 years since we've left uni & United Kingdom..(has it really been that long? ;p) we've changed so much & yet, not at all.. ! Mdm.Neighbour is still her blurry self, while Miss.HighFlyer busy gelakkan Mdm.Neighbour's blurness the whole time we were having dinner..plus Mr.Serious as usual, cant help being concern abt his friends.. haha..

well, looking back, each of us have come a long way from those carefree, video-marathon nights, girly night sessions (us 3 girls je la of course..ish), & god-know what else we got ourselves into during our uni-days, to this day tonite.. hehe.. how fast time flies huh? Mdm.Neighbour already has a 15-months-old son... Miss.HighFlyer already in a managerial post in a new job... me? ntah le.. these days i have to ask myself that question again

Loneliness and dependence
A warrior, when he suffers an injustice, usually tries to be alone - so as not to show his pain to others. It is good and bad behaviour at the same time. One thing is to let his heart heal its own wounds slowly. Another thing is to stay in deep meditation all day, fearful of appearing weak.

Inside each of us is an angel and a demon and their voices are very much alike. Because of that difficulty, the demon nurtures this solitary conversation, trying to show us how we are vulnerable. The angel needs someone’s mouth to express himself.

As quoted from -warriorofthelight.com-

On raya stuff...

well.. i suppose still not too late to be talking abt raya still..hehe.. even with the long hols i took, didnt really go out much due to mom being not well & all.. all coz the next door neighbour's extensive renovation lor.. all that drilling & hacking & pounding (since the last 3 mth) is taking it's toll on poor mum..

Anyway, did managed to have a small open house thingy for colleagues & closeby neighbours.. hehe.. i think most of my colleague was a little surprised by me, the family & house etc.. i suppose that's coz i've never really told them much abt me personally.. well, i for one am not the bragging type..haha.. nor do i care abt what other people think abt how i live my life..

On eye infection...

Aiyo.. just my luck, huh? was already on long mc leave the other month due to my thyroid.. then raya hols.. now managed to "catch" the eye infection from my toksu & her granddaughter when i went over to beraya.. not exactly my fault, is it? how do i know they were sick in the 1st place?.. the thing was, my soon-to-be boss insist that i come over to office for training.. while apparently the existing boss was having a fit coz of something, but when i asked what is it that's soo urgent that he's so upset abt - just coz i'm not there & i wont be able to login/check mail.. duh! i dont exactly work 24/7 u know! plus u should not always make it out that you will take care of the problem for these people you know.. it makes them think that i'd clean up whatever mess, whenever they've created any.. hello! so not gonna happen that way u know! cheh.. anyway, if anyone of u ends up with eye infection, not my problem u know, i already did warned all of you abt it..

My new babe...

Yeay.. my new car has arrived.. so i "only" bought myself a proton car.. yaloh apparently other people around me are getting - Vios la.. Honda City la.. whatnots.. whatever la kan..as much as i loved my wira aeroback, which have served me so much more than just mere car, had been with me thru the good & bad times.. i just had to let her go.. sob!...
Anyway my shiny new, Black, limited edition Gen2 arrived a couple of days ago..chewah, cam bagus je.. haha... havent had much chance of taking her on a spin just yet, what with my eye infection & such.. so cant wait.. heheh..
Plus Miss.Best.Friend also got herself the same car as mine a few days ago.. altho she didnt managed to get the black one, but hey orange is cool too.. okla, better stop gushing abt my car.. not that i know much abt them..haha.. bro is forever worrying abt how little i know abt cars.. okla, will have to start learn how.. this would probably require more TLC i suppose as compared to my wira before.. the key word, probably.. hehe..

There are days where you just can't.. i soo wanna go home now..

wa-hey... everyone loves me so, as unpredictable as i am.. but surely not to the extend that no one can put up with me?? adoii..!!


You're my No. 1


Were you born with a quirk or a plain simple soul? Have fun with this fun personality prediction guide.

IF you were born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.
If you were born on the 2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.
If you were born on the 3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.
If you were born on the 4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.
If you were born on the 5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.
If you were born on the 6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.
If you were born on the 7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.
If you were born on the 8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.
If you were born on the 9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.

Number 1

You are smart, a straight talker, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, jealous on a competitive basis, kind hearted, temperamental, friendly, and popular. You always want to be on the top and most likely to be independent. You are most likely to fall in love at a young age, but will marry once you mature! You are likely to have problems with people who have opposite views and you are most likely to take revenge over your enemies in a long time basis. You are a spender, but you will have a good profession in the future. If you are guy you will be very popular. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of the parliament because you are positive and talented in numerous areas. But in your life you will always have some people who will work hard to bring you & your name down. Because of your intelligence, some might hate you. You are a pioneer, independent & original your best match is 4,6,8 while a good match would be with 3,5,7

Number 2

No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. You tend to change according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You
can be sweet as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7,5, and 9 no other people can put up with you!!!

Number 3

You are hardhearted and selfish most of the time. You always tend to have lots of problems within your family in the early stages but you will be able to cope with everything. You seem to have your way in everything. And from birth you would always have to work hard to achieve anything you want. You always make a point to set examples on others, especially the younger ones. Generally you are not a cool person. It's not easy dealing with you. A tough player you are! But once you are comfortable with someone, it will be a lasting friendship. You always earn respect from others. Your Ilk seems to have lots of worries and problems but they won't be for long. You will have brilliant kids! You love money a bit too much so temptation will push you to
try endlessly. You will look after your family and help friends, so you will spend a life time just being generous and kind (except for men born on the 21st). You love your freedom, creative and ambitious, a person who brings beauty, hope & joy to this world!!! Your best match 6 and 9. Good match 1, 3, and 5

Number 4

You are very stubborn, very hard working but unlucky in important matters in life, very cool and helpful. You might repel people away from you, you may cause nuisance to others if you area man, as you gifted are with understanding other people's problems. If you are a girl, you excel in your studies and arts. If you are a guy you spend most of your time with girl friends and you tend to have too much fun with your mates & girls.Your friends will spend your time & money and get on with their life and you will be left empty handed. So be careful! You love to spend. Your positive side is that you are always around to help family and friends. You always fall in love with those younger than you. You often live with disappointments but you will take good care of your family. You need to be careful of people who will take advantage of your kind heart. And beware of your relationships too. You are radical, patient, persistent, and a hit old-fashioned; you live with foundation & order. Your best match 1, 8. Good match 5, 6, and 7

Number 5

You are very popular and you can get things done only by talking. Even to your enemies! You are business-minded and like to do things spontaneously. You will be famous if you get involved in any business. Your friends and families will always ask for your help, and you are the one actually with the money to help your friends.You will have more than one relationship, but when you settle down you tend to be selfish. You tend to go for other relationships - even if you are married at times because of your popularity. You tend to get along easily with anyone because the numbers is a middle number. You love freedom and changes. You learn your life through your personal experiences. Your best match 1, 2, Good match 6, 8.

Number 6

Ooopppss.. you were born to enjoy! You don't care about others. I mean you always wanted to have a lifetime of enjoyment. You will excel in either education or business management! You are talented, kind (but with only people who you think are nice), and popular. All good things come easily to you. Your mind and body is just made perfect for love. You are loveable by any number. But if you are a number 6 men, you will be involved in more than a few relationships until you get married. If you are a girl, most of you will get married/engaged early. You are a caring person towards your family and friends. You are a person of compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, and after all you can heal this world's wounds to make peace for everyone because you have the great power and caring talent to take the world of love one step further.. Your best match 1, 6, and 9. Good match 4, 5

Number 7

You are realistic, confident, happy, and talented in education, music, art, singing, and most importantly in acting. You also have a bad temper! You value your family status a lot; you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their married life. Only a few are happy. You have everything in your life but with worries throughout your lifetime. You need to get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting. If you don't, then you might end-up being single. You are born to contribute to everyone's joy. Your best match is 2. Good matches are 1,4

Number 8

You have a very strong personality and people will find it hard to understand you. You are more likely to suffer in your younger years. You might be also the one responsible to look out for your family. You often suffer all the way through life. You will learn life in a very practical way. You are the one who will fight for justice and may even die in the war too. You are normally very reserved with a handful of friends and most of the time, live life alone and always prepared to help others. However, once you settle down, (which is often late), then your had lucks will disappear. You will face unexpected problems such as encountering poisonous animals, and accidents. You are highly- disciplined, persistence, and courageous, and it is your strength that will take you to success. You are a great part of a family team. You are a fighter! Your Best match 1. 4, and 8. Good match 5

Number 9

You guys are the most incompatible people in the world. You are so strong, physically and mentally. You often have big-aims. You will work hard and will think it's still hard to get there, even if you already have gotten there! Normally you suffer in the early age from family problems and generally you will have to fight in life. You are respected by others. You were however very naughty in your childhood, and often got beaten up by your parents and had been involved in fights and you seemed to have suffered lots of injuries. But when you grow older you become calm and will fall into the quiet and dignified macho type. Love is not an easy matter for you. You are however good in engineering or banking jobs because people always trust you. Your family life is very good, but you will always worry over your children. Your finer qualities are that you are humanitarian, patient, very wise & compassionate. You are born to achieve targets and serve every one equally without any prejudice. You are a role model for everyone. Your best match 3, 5,6, and 9. Good match 2

• Giggling.
• A good conversation.
• Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

How true...

Happy Birthday to Miss Best Friend! .. last nite was a blast.. should really do this more often.. :)

You Are Ariel!

Headstrong and fiesty. You have a mind of your own that's full of romantic dreams about the world around you. Exploring exotic places is your ultimate dream, and although you can be a little naive you'll realize that there is something to be gained from your family's wisdom.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

My absolute fav..!!

1. What is your full name now? Lilue
2. What are you wearing? Kebaya
3. What are you listening to right now? The company background music (they play it during start of work & after lunch hour. god knows why..hehe)
4. What was the last thing you ate? rice & nuggets for sahur
5. Do you wish on stars? yup, i think
6. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? blue
7. How is the weather right now? Cool..
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My mum
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? yup, nicest guy i know..
10. How old are you today? 26
11. Favourite drink? Mango
12. Favourite sport? Badminton, swimming, gymnastic (not performed by me tho..hehe)
13. Hair colour? brown
14. Siblings? none
15. Favourite food? mum's cooking
16. What was the last movie you watched? 50 first dates (on astro)..
17. Favourite day of the year? my birthday
18. What was your favourite toy as a child? this toy feet which can be wound up & walk..hehe..
19. Summer or winter? winter
20. Hugs or kisses? hugs
21. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate...definitely
22. Do you want your friends to mail you back? yes
23. Who is most likely to respond? Miss. Best Friend
24. Who is least likely to respond? dunno..
25. Living arrangements? me, myself & i.. altho right now, my helper's staying with me till end of fasting month..
26. When was the last time you cried? a while..
27. What is under your bed? extra comforters ..
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Miss. Best Friend
30. Favourite smell? freshly baked homebake cake, or breads..yum!
31. Favourite TV show? CSI, although now i'm hooked on One Tree Hill..
32. Happy In life? So-so..at least not unhappy right now..
33. What are you afraid of? losing the people i love..
34. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? salted..
35. Favourite car? bmw mini cooper or that cute sporty 2-door audi..hehe.. or i can just settle for my new car, Proton Gen2..
36. Favourite Flower? daisies
37. Number of keys on your key ring? 3
38. How many years at your current job? 4
39. Favourite day of the week? Friday
40. What did you do on your last birthday? Birthday dinner with friends
41. How many countries have you lived in? 3
42. Do you make friends easily? not really
43. How many people will you be sending this to? a few close ones..

*Sigh*.. thank god, mummy dearest got that dating thingy out of her system for now.. hehe.. as i said before, i got nothing against it & i think it is a pretty good idea.. somehow, dont think it's right for me.. at least for now.. hehe..

the thing is.. for the last few month, in fact for almost a year, i have managed to became a recluse.. apart from work la of course.. the only people i ever see is my 2 ex-housemates & their hubby.. which is not that often either given each have their own life to live.. and not forgetting the best friend, every now & then..

I once had a discussion with a friend whether we're just being selfish when we do not make the effort to meet up with old/good friends.. maybe we are.. but then again, at these age, where we are getting bogged down by the increasing responsibilities - the increasing workload.. that car that you just had to use/wash/go somewhere with/etc.. the husband/child/girlfriend/boyfriend you have to spend time with.. the house which you have to cleanup/hate to leave..(seriously, when you own your own house, all you want to do is stay home & chill.. hehe..at least i think so..)

anyway.. recluse or not, i am not depressed nor am i being crazy for living on my own, regardless what some people think.. haha..so there!

Due to some article in the new last friday, somehow my mum got it in her head that i should try... the dating agencies..!!

OMG! Are you serious? My mother suggesting dating agency? adoii!! erm, so now i kinda dont exactly know how to answer that.. ;p well, i suppose there's no harm in trying one out.. except probably a rather big dent in my bank account..

although the problem with this is, not that i have anything against such program..it's just that knowing me.. i'd probably end up staring at my food..aje.. hahah.. for those ppl who knows me, not exactly news to them, right?..

hmm.. i'll have to think some more abt this.. maybe i wont, maybe i will.. how on earth la do i get myself into such predicament.. ? ;p itule, org suruh cari laki awal2 tak nak...

Aisey..

Pagi2 buta dah kena lecture ngan bos.. where am i with all the datelines? what's the reports? when is the meeting? and you even asked me with a straight face am i overloaded with work, with me being sick and all? Heck yeah! not that i'd be telling you that.. there goes my bonus otherwise..hehe...definitely a great pep talk you gave there, but erm.. i am doing what i can, you know..

plus the soon-to-be boss is already asking when am i gonna start my training..whoa people! one "crisis" at a time, wokeh..?

oklah.. enough complaining for today.. ;p

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.
-P. J. Plauger

Yikes.. that was a little unverving coming out of the Doc's office this morning.. i went to collect my bloodtest results.. considering that i'm feeling fine and all, it was kinda of a shock that my TSH level is still within the dangerous zone.. :(

opps.. i should really start at the begining, right?..hehe.. basically abt a mth ago, i was hopitalised for severe vomitting and lethargy.. heck by then he was already the 4th doc to examine me & the results are still coming back as normal, ie no apparent sickness..!duh! so this 4th doc admitted me in, hooked me up to the drip.. after the 3rd day admission, he managed to discover that i've got thyroid.. finally.. ;p

anyway, due to the severe vomitting & lack of appetite, i was way way too weak for work, even after 1 1/2 week of mc.. tapi gagah kan la jugak since the bos just 'had' to call me up at hospital asking when i can work.. (now come to think abt it, shud have just ignore everyone & took more leave..hehe ). The doc said my body was not fully recovered & still unstabil.. okla, fine..i'd take it easy for a while.. ya, right!?! what with the Q3 end - issues, reports, wor .. all non stop.. so guessed it wasn;t so surprising that my TSH - that is the hormon generating thingy in the brain, to still be at <0.01 (normal level is 0.35-5.50)!.. but the good news is my thyroid level (T4) is already back to normal, for now.. so will be popping the pills for the next 18 months... :( and i so do not like medicines..

so any ideas how i can lower my stress level ? apart from actually quitting & some doner who'd give me unlimited of money to spend.. hehehe.. oh ya, reminded me to get a haircut too.. need to "reduce" my stress points (or so my mum tells me to..).. *sigh*

did u watch any of the "mencari cinta" episods ? my mum is kinda following it.. but i dont quite get it (but then again, i watch bits here, bits there.. mana nak paham the storyline..hehe).. but saw the ending of yesterday's show.. how one of the guy cried coz he felt so guilty for giving the name for "who cared the least abt the girl".. now this is soo la why such reality show will never work in malaysia.. we are not like those mat salleh who'd do whatever it takes to win, even to extend having conspiracy, secret pact etc.... also why at every elimination point for AF, everyone cries.. tak macam American Idol, where only the contestant cry.. heheh..

btw, i doubt the girl is such innocent, naive girl ie typical kampung girl type.. firstly, she definitely has that "city" look thing...hehe..plus since she's willing to go national in order to "mencari cinta".. in the sense that she knows what she's getting into & daring to "date" (well, i dont know what exactly they do in/on this show for the "dating"/get-to-know-each-other part..hehe) 10 strangers.. hehe.. but to say that she's bad ie not marriage-material just coz someone saw her going about town in tank tops, hmm, that's a little judgmental, isnt it? have you seen what people wear these days? i could barely find anything that fits,.. anything that's good anyway.. hehe..

anyway, i'm just ranting.. so not in the mood to work.. ;p luckily the boss is away..

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plan your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong. And that you really do have worth.
-Veronica A. Shoffehall

Shock ! Horror ! My friend emailed me in a frantic yesterday, saying that she was given a 3-day notification of termination.. what??!! They've got to be kidding.. anyway, she is..was under a contract term, which should ended 1st August. However, this is linked to her performance/completion of CFP studies, where her final paper's results will only come out next month..

hallo.. it's one thing to terminate them (yes, there's abt 5-6 of them) if they had failed the exams, but another to chuck them before results are out & without proper notification.. kesian la kat orang.. and they had the nerve to say that if they passed the exams, they can "re-apply" for a job there under a yearly contract basis.. if results comes out in august but you sign the contract on 1st august.. that would mean a whole year under a contract (which most likely to say that there's no increment, no bonuses, no benefits), with no guarantee whatsoever, that you will become a permanent employee at the end of it.. i'd say that is just plain mean.. who is this employer you might ask? well.. i better not say it here, but it is a pretty well-known local company...

anyway.. hope she wont let this bring her down.. hang in there, girl! There's better opportunities out there.. somewhere.. i should tell that to myself too, but i guess i'll stay put a while longer & see what these people cook up for me.. hehe.. bosses still telling me to "shout at people" more often.. hmm.. ;p easy enough for most, i'm still working on how to do that ..haha..

anyway.. i better go home & get some rest.. darn this fever thing.. getting all the symptoms, yet no temperature can be so irritating sometimes.. gie kat doctor pun diorg gelakkan je.. ;( but not that i can take leave pun.. still got work to do & ntah sapa la pulak nak visit 2moro & i have to give presentation.. aiyoo..i'll be distributing my germs then instead of info..haha.. better go update my presentation at home la, luckily dont have to do from scratch..hehe...

woo.. didn't realised that i haven't written for so long.. Actually there's been a lot of half-way written stuff that i've kept in the draft.. haven't managed to find time to really jot down what i have thought abt.. hehe.. excuses2.. i know.. that would be 1 good reason to get myself one of those pda/palmtop thingys this coming megasale.. hmm.. must recite to self: do not spend my hard earned cash on stuff i do not need & will not use ! but soo tempted tho.. hehe..

Anyway what's new with me? Hmm.. loads .. and there's none.. heheh.. right now is midnight, i'm already half asleep listening to this presentation thing & this meeting wont end for another hour.. ;( so forgive my ramblings here..

After 2 days of drilling from the regional manager, spending the last 2 weeks on qtr end stuff, plus had to entertain an out-of-town cuz on a shopping spree around town last weekend, cathing up with all the latest flicks & slip-in some time to finish the new Harry Potter book last nite..fuh. i'm totally beat.. ;p

& mum just announced that she's coming over 2moro.. yikes.. by the time i get back after this, it'll be like 2am already & i've got an early meeting 2moro at 8.30..when do i clean up the house before they come over??! erk.. i should really go home at 3pm tomoro.. hehe.. i wish la..

hmm.. if mum is coming over, then i'd have to miss the uni-mates gathering tomorrow.. i did so look fwd to meet up with them considering we havent had any gathering for months, almost a year really.. well, sure there was the odd meetings with one or two of the gang, but which that itself had been a while back..

in fact the only people i meet these days are ex-housemate&hubby, and the best friend (who incidently just got back from japan so havent seen her for a couple of weeks already).. how sad huh? heheh.. did managed to get hold of her tonite to welcome her back & we got to talking abt how we dont get to meet new people no more.. i mean, i'm okay with the "being alone" part which most people find soo amazing.. hello! just coz i live alone doesnt mean i'm lonely okay.. there's major difference between being alone & being lonely. I would like to have a person to share it with, but i dont 'need' to be with someone to be able to be happy.. and i dont believe in being married to your job either..

anyway, i'll talk abt this topic some other time.. can barely think already now.. when la these ppl want to stop talking?? ;( i want my bed now .....

nite nite..

My trainee's leaving tomorrow.. :(
Where can i find a trainee - doing practical (diploma/degree/etc) from any poly/uitm/unversity.. ?

Requirement : -
- preferably finance studies,
- IT savvy will be a great advantage, esp in Excel
- hopefully can stay for 4 months (or more), but 3 mths min..
- mostly to help me perform more of the daily grind stuff & work thru the piles of reports that i get..

hmm.. if i could ask for at least a contract worker, i would.. but the boss didn't approve.. ;p so i'll have to make do with this..

Will have to remind that recruitment center girl to find me one.................. soon..

Cool template huh? hehe.. was just testing it out.. in between rushing it for all these audits around me :( and the boss kept telling me that i'm not doing enough.. adoii! Do it yourself why don't you.. ;p Sometimes, i wonder, where do we draw the line between you are not doing enough & you're doing too much?? hmm.. okay, so i complaint a little too much.. but then again, that's just my way of staying sane.. hehe..

Was watching Mr n Mrs Smiths last weekend with a girlfriend of mine.. erk, didn't realised that Saturday was the "couples galore" day.. just about every one in the cinema was a couple ;p ..... Well, i never had the chance of "going dating" on a satuday before, so never actually realised it.. well, with Brad Pitt on the screen, who cares..! heheh..

Aah.. i just came back from a massage session.. god, i didn't know that my body aches so.. hehe.. my shoulder's the worse.. and rightfully so.. i've been carrying "the world" on it.. ;p

isn't it correct that when a guy is interested, they'd make the effort? well, not including those players, of course.. and that if he's "not into you", you'd 'know' it? at what point do we conclude whether "he's not into you" or that it's too early in the relationship? if only there's somekind of manual as to what to do when such occasions arise.. ;p

All i'm asking for is:

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.
- Albert Camus,
1913-1960, French Existential Writer

"Sometimes, the real and only victory is knowing when to walk away." -

"Take It From Me

Some people think i'm strong.. am i? yes, i managed the crawl thru the black hole i'd call 2004.. but have i really cross over it? i dunno.. sometimes when i thought i have, i'd get pulled back down.. by a memory.. by something someone says... by that fatefull call one late night..

I do so want to move forward... after all, i've completed my studies, the ex is already married, that family avoids me as much as they can, the house is pretty much settled... finding a husband? ha ha... :(
of course i dont hate men.. i just don't understand them.. at all.. but doesnt mean i hate them.. i'm trying, yet, it's soo difficult.. trust issues? yeah, i do have doubts, but your actions are not exactly helping either.. god, i'd wring your neck if i could or at least shout at you, but me being the good girl that i am.. i will just let you take your own sweet time to figure out what you want.. in the mean time, i'll just practice being an old maid & live my own life whether you are in it or not.. when you happen to remember that i still exist, then you can give me a call.. till then..

Yumm.. mum brought over some home-cooked crabs yesterday.. was up to my elbows (well, almost anyway..haha..).. I personally.. have no idea how to cook crabs.. hehe.. well, i'm not that good a cook, period.. definitely now since i've started working as compared to during my uni period.. it's surprising really how bad my cooking has been turning out lately.. ;p

I'm just waaayy too busy with this compliance thingy, i havent had a chance to play with my new toy.. hehe.. just bought myself a 4000-piece jigsaw puzzle the other day.. i'm dying to start, but... maybe i shud be thinking how to get it framed first before i even start.. yeah, i'm a puzzle-junkie.. not so much the crossword ones.. but more of the jigsaw type.. i can still remember the framed jigsaw puzzles over at my piano teacher's house.. she had quite a few & that's only the living room..

i've got a few completed ones, i sort of took it up a few month back.. i was getting too depressed for my own good, so i started out this hobby.. of course, i've love doing this since i was younger, but then i didnt have the means to buy them (plus it can be quite expansive too)..


p/s: oh my god.. yesterday was enquiring abt those new semi-d houses at the end of my street.. it's like RM800k!!shock! horror! phoar.. these ppl are truly making money, weh.. my house is nowhere near that amount of course but.. 800? you have got to be kidding me.. it's not like it's triple the size of my house.. ish ish ish.. i wonder what was the original price tho.. hmm..

Why is it that if the guy is not interested, it's my fault? Why can't it be his fault? getting tired of these games already..

"Don't be afraid. Don't be apologetic. Don't back down, don't back off and don't backtrack either. Better yet, don't dwell on the word 'don't'. There are, already, far too many rules in your life. You are being painfully constrained by laws that need not be followed or that do not even actually exist. It's time to permit yourself to trust your instincts. You feel what you feel. That's not something to be ashamed of. It's something you have a right to celebrate and act on"

Fuh.. what a weekend.. the wedding, thru all the chaos & setbacks, was lovely nonetheless.. not that they'd ever read this, but congrats anyway to the newlyweds.. Hmm.. i wouldnt know abt whether bridesmaids will be next in line for marriage or delay it, but this was the first time i became so.. "laku".. i'm speechless.. hahah.. if only i am this popular amongst the people i'm with..

and a few of them even recognised me from my brief encounter with the modelling world.. erk, even i never saw myself on tv.. haha, dont know how they could have recognised me, i barely looked like myself in the pics.. hmm, the good old days..

and it stops me from thinking that it could have been my wedding with that someone this weekend, instead he 'walked down the aisle' with someone else.. whoops, wasnt supposed to think abt that at all.. My mum told me this a few days ago after listening to a ceramah agama: As bad as things were, Allah has always replaced everything he took with something better, even if we dont see/understand it that way. All we need to do is to accept His tests with "redha". Remember Him always & recite the Quran when you are troubled. Things happened for a reason. He has & always will provide the best to us, when the time is right. Even if that means that i am meant to be alone, so be it.


I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
~Lonely No More, Rob Thomas

Although i havent called her yet, but by now my housemate (we've move out of that house after the 1st housemate got married) is officially someone's wife..that's one lucky guy there.. her nikah was this morning.. wished that we could be there with her, but can't exactly run out of the office to go to her house, right? hehe.. anyway, will be going tomorrow & be her bridesmaid for Sunday..

with this coming weekend, he would have already be married by now & the bride's kenduri this weekend..

there's this little conflicting saying regarding pengapit or bridesmaid.. one says that if you're the bridesmaid, you're next in line to get married.. The other one says that being the bridesmaid means you'll stay single (or marry late in life).. I'm a little confuse which is which... but at this point, i so do not hear any wedding bells ringing for me anytime soon.. which right now, doesnt seem to make any difference to me really.. not that my mum would accept that tho (i'd get an earful if i ever make that remark to her..hehe)

Anyway, dont think there's any pantang or whatnots i should know abt being a bridesmate.. hehe.. so hope i'll know what to do.. & not break down in the middle of everything.. ;p insya allah.. this is her day, so let's concentrate on her, shall we?

God.. it's already 7.30pm & i've barely started with any of my work.. ;p The Boss kept topping up with items i need to complete for him that i'm at lost to which to start doing..

At least 1 good news so far today, the Big Boss (the one who came over to basically "shoot" us) caught hold of me for a "chit chat".. yeay, i'm not rotating to another job, at least till next year (well, that was the direction suggested by local management here) & i should be getting another raise in July.. i'm not too sure as yet to where i want to rotate to.. everyone's job seems such .. for lack of word, a bore.. hehe.. not that mine's that interesting either, it sucks too but at least it has it's own perks.. oh ya, btw he did tell me that he was shocked at the level of my salary & pushed for an immediate raise.. alhamdullilah! one thing i can say for him, he 'sees' things (which he has told me before.. ) and not just listen to the bosses around here.. okla.. okla.. i'll try & "make more noise" as everyone kept telling me to do.. at least someone is bound to listen..

aisey.. havent submitted my reply for my ACCA's graduation.. & pay for my tnb bills.. :( so need to stop getting into my "moody" self at home & actually get some things done...

"I have never regretted falling in love with anyone. I have lived and learned
from everyone I know, and loved. I would not change a thing."
Nancy Williams

I should not grudge him his wedding.. or the fact that he got engaged abt 3 months after we broke up while i was still struggling to stay sane .. he knew he hurt me & hopefully it will weigh on his conscience for a long time.. i know whatever he does should not affect me but the hurt still wont go away. I want to accept his apology because it would be too heavy on my heart otherwise.. but damn.. this is sooo difficult..

"Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars."
Violeta Parra

I went for a YE Advisor training last week.. a pretty good excuse to get off work & doing something fun (sort of) for a change..

anyway.. the end part of the training includes some character analysis based on this 16-character type definition thing, which incidently, i think i've tried out before.. anyway, this time there's someone to explain it to me.. i think i am an ISTP (introvert, sensing, thinker & perceiver).. which in plain english, it means that i'm thrive at solving problems, and solving it in anyway i can.. how it turns out(looks-wise) are not important.. and the only way i can relax is, in his word -> to go to sleep.. ;p hmm, i'm no MacGyver but i do supposed it's close enough to me..
ISTP
Inside I am continually reworking an issue. I am constantly open to new directions, always tweaking and bringing in new information. I solve a problem by looking at all the angles, probably whatever side I need to. There is an answer, and I just need to get to the best way to figure it out—to meet my objectives and give it to people how it is without annoying anyone.
To work with difficult situations I become very logical and very analytical, and I look to see where things fit. I always watch and if there’s a problem, I go back inside myself to see what may need to be done and how best to approach a situation. I like to find a technique.
The observational part of me is the ability to see when an opportunity exists and to actually act on it and make things a little bit better. I like to choose the timing for when it’s appropriate to say or do something. I spend a lot of time considering scenarios before I make decisions. I’ll usually go with a hunch, my intuition, what’s the most likely cause. I do my best problem solving in my head away from whatever it is. I step back outside of things, think for a while, and make adjustments—could this be better than that, how do these react, and how does the whole system go together? I’m willing to do the upfront work, which makes it expedient because I never have to repeat it.
In my work, I don’t want to be just doing stuff for the sake of doing stuff. I like to accomplish things—make a contribution. That’s real important. I take a “do it” type of approach. It’s very practical. It’s very here and now. That does not mean I don’t take into consideration the big picture and what’s down the road and what’s best for the organization, but at the same time my big focus is “let’s get this show on the road and let’s do it.” I do it as well as I can. Then I think very well on my feet. I can be quick with the verbal comeback—I like the impact. I just get in there and do it, and whatever job I go into, I hit the ground running. And I’m very competitive, often with myself. I tie one hand behind my back and see if I can still do it.
Those times that I have to use my heart, it drives me crazy because I’m looking for things in clear-cut answers. I have a hard time agreeing that other people look at things completely differently. People should think things through. I have a problem with people reading between the lines. They hear words I never say, and I select my words carefully. I can take myself out of it so I usually don’t take things personally. And I find I have to make a point to remember that people are part of the equation. I have to work that in.
I rarely work on one thing at a time. I get an idea and chase it down. I’m always studying—not just books but looking at what interests me. I customize everything I touch; people tell me I can’t do something, and I say sure I can. And I like time to just sit down and enjoy. But when I have too much time I tend to just pick away at things. I am really much better when there is a deadline.
I look at the world as a place to enjoy. I like things to smell good, taste good, look and feel good. I love exploring the outdoors. The peace and stillness, the little noises and different views. I feel really comfortable out there. I have no desire to be with people when I don’t know anybody. It’s a delightful sensation when I see an animal.
I don’t like the social stuff. It takes too much time, too much energy. I’m bored. I can’t figure out how to make myself more relaxed, and I never really know what I’m supposed to be saying. I have only a few close friends that I really see a lot. Yet people have seen me as someone very lively and talkative. That’s the part of me that likes life to be an adventure.
I like flexibility in what I do. Fun means something that interests me. Organized things don’t come to me easily, but I can do them. I’ve always found ways to make things fun. It’s a game to make sure you can come to the next point where you have freedom again There’s something insincere about doing something just because of somebody or something else. What I do has to make sense, have impact. I cannot stand just busy work. It has to be meaningful. I have an incredible amount of enthusiasm and passion for certain things that I do and want to see done.

Fate is truly going overtime in playing these cruel jokes on me.. just kill me already, why dont you? at least it'll be the end of it all..

I must have been soo bad.. done soo many wrongs to be tested this way.. i'm sorry but i am not that strong.. i give up.. i thot the tests are over.. i suppose i should have expected it, but i didnt think it would be this soon, this sudden.. am i asking for too much, just for a little peace..? a little slice of happiness?

maybe they are trying to tell me something.. that's why they say they love me, but marry another.. maybe that's why even after they're married, they still wont go away.. maybe i'm not meant for love and marriage.. maybe i've never truly learn to love & be loved.. maybe i'm not meant to be... maybe...

maybe i just need to get away from it all.. from everyone.. from everything.. if only i could..

amenda la lagi pakcik nie nak? sometimes the Boss can really get on my nerves.. i know la we've got the Big Boss coming in on monday to interrogate us.. but dont la start panicky & bugging me abt it.. you want to do something abt it.. you do it.. i've done my part & there's really nothing more i can add to it to save our butts, so you're not exactly helping here by making me go thru it 10 more times..

Sometime i do wonder how you lasted this long.. one time boss sneeze, you jump 5 storeys-high.. or maybe that's why the bosses just love you.. you'll commit something, but it's not you who dies.. it's us, the "kuli's"... so yes, you do not exactly help to remove the obstacle for me to do my job..

so stop panicking & just take the heat.. once it's over, then we can go back to our daily grind as usual.. if you start falling apart, what do you think i will do? you are supposed to be the boss you know.. i'm already doing as much as i can to help you.. but if you dont know a thing, how you want me help you face the boss? yeah sure, i already doing the answering & face the firing squad, i cant exactly cover for you at the same time..not my fault if you only "manage" & not know what's happening..

anyway.. i'll be as ready as i'll ever be.. (which is pretty much.. not! ) .. ;p

erk..already 4.30 & got another 15mins to get to that boarding gate...so better hurry.. cheh, i didnt even get to browse thru Changi's bookstore..they usually have some good stuff over here.. oh well, might as well not spend that money that i should not..haha..

what am i doing in spore in the middle of the week? god knows la.. boss ask me to.. so whatever.. if i can have another day to spend here, that would have been great but yeah right.. i'm so gonna miss all this travelling tho if i change job.. should really have that talk with my boss.. can i like.. not rotate into that boring analyst job thingy? hehe..

arghh.. it's already morning?? and i was having such a yummy dream.. :( was dreaming that i met someone & just started going out with him.. and he looked just like Hugh Jackman.. ahaks.. if only la kan.. hehe.. of course la not fair for me to compare it to whomever i'm going out with kan.. i wouldnt be so mean nor so shallow... but no harm in dreaming surely..

Darn.. just when i thot i'd be able to go back & rest this poor throat + head of mine.. boss want me to sit in tonite's call.. can i get a 2 or 3-day MC just coz of my sore throat/coughing? :( nie nak dapat 1 hari pun susah.. by far, one of the worst i've ever had.. and this dry-cough is making my head hurts.. cheh...

dont you ever get that feeling that whatever you do, boss almost always expects more of you? yelah, mmg la after a while you get a hang of it.. but it is coz you're capable or coz you have to? hhmmm.. sometime i do wonder, just how far would they push you? just how far would you go for your career's sake? of course having 'kiasu' colleagues doesn't help.. it just raises the competition level.. and your tension level too.. ;p

Wasn't feeling well yesterday, so was in bed before 10.. so imagine my surprised when i received a phone call at abt 2am telling me abt the earthquake in Sumatera & the tsunami warning.. sorry, girl.. took a while for it to register.. hehe.. but only called up parents at abt 6am to warn them.. well, was gonna call earlier but fell asleep.. prolly shud have tho if it was a major warning, but at the same time, wouldnt wanna them to alarm them unnessarily.. hmm.. must think abt it..

anyway.. better go home..it's almost 8 anyway & gotta go to the airport later...

Found this mail forwarded to my mailbox..

I dunt know whether i am supposed to write it here or not, but i guess..just take this as a piece of my not-so-good thought.

Couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine come over to my place, and as what she said to me, she just wanna have some peace and rest.Well, even we're very good friend, she's not the type who's always come over to my place for weekend, cos she was always busy with her 'commitment'.But i guess that day she need somebody to talk to..so, i prepared my ears to lend it to her.

At first she seems like having nothing unusual, but i can say that she was good in acting.She laugh, telling me gossip, so and so...but her eyes told me that something was wrong somewhere.My mind keep on thinking 'bout her weird act, about her so-called commitment, and many others thing that could relate to her.I thought she wasn't yet ready to share, but it wasn't for long.Finally she burst into something that made me drown into a deep thought.

Friend : I envy u..u know
Me : (half laughing) Envy? ooo c'mon, u know i got nothing to envy.At the age of 30, i'm still single..still makan gaji n gotta work like hell for life..
Friend : well..at least u still can hope for a good guy to be your ehem..ehem..(she laugh a bit..a fake laugh i can say`)
Me : Merepek la..
Friend : U know wut i usually did at saturday nite like this?
Me : Emm..you aa,dating la kan..wut else..
Friend : hehe ...(again..fake laugh)
Me : well..how bout dis weekends? Miss me so much ke sampai u wanna stay here..?(jokingly..)
Friend : I kecik hati ngan Fazziq (her bf)
Me : kecik hati?well..u ni,cepat sgt melatah la.dis time ape dier buat?he forget to puji u cam dlu gak ke?
Friend : No la..
Me : anything to share..?
Friend : I didnt called me 2 days..and i get worried.maybe he got into something ke.. so,i finally decided to call him.at first he didnt answered, i tried for second time..again..not answered..and it's not engaged..
Me : Then..
Friend : It 8.30pm, so i fikir baik la..maybe he's at surau
ke, though i know dats kinda illogical for him.So just for my own
satisfaction, i tried for the 3rd time..
Me : He picked it up?
Friend : yup..and then simply end call (u know the tune rite..?!)
ME : then, wut did u do?
Friend : I got mad la..wut on earth dat make him end call macam tu je.Let
say he's busy pon..just tell me,no need to put me like dat kan..so,i called
him again and again..
Me : ...(listening to her)
Friend : then finally he picked the line.u know what he said when i asked nape dier tak angkat my phone?
Me : wut?
Friend : "takde ape nak cakap, tu sebab i tak angkat.."
Me : So, u kecik hati cos dier tak angkat phone you?
Friend : no..i know maybe dier penat
Me : so..ape yang u kecik hati nyer?
Friend : (sigh) u know kami akan kahwin this year or next year, and spend life together.But, how we gonna marry and living together, when skarang ni pon kami dah takde ape nak dicakapkan?isn't that marriage is for sharing your life.. then, how we gonna share when we got nothing else to be shared? i'm upset..
Me : emm..maybe he doesn't mean that way..
Friend : If he doesn't mean that way pon..it makes me think you know.How am i gonna spend my life with this man, when skarang ni pon.."takde ape nak dicakapkan.."

I am startled, and somehow agree with what my friend had said.I know her boyfriend very well, he's nice, and caring enough.But what make him to say that thing.Got nothing else to say..seems like as if they had it enough..no more to share.Well..i am not so experienced in this love matters..but,it makes me wondering..isn't love is for sharing and caring? Giving and receiving? And when it comes to the point that u got nothing to share..is it the end of your lovelife?

sigh..

I am one of those who finds it difficult to talk to people but that doesnt mean i don't talk at all. To those closest to me, i can sometimes talk non-stop.. hehe..

which is why being able to talk to my partner would definitely be a priority to me.. like my parents.. even after more than 30yrs of marriage, they are still each other's best friends & can chat non stop abt everything & nothing at all..

heck, one time, they were doing some gardening (or rather "menebas lalang") at my grandfather's house, they'd be chatting for hours & barely doing any work.. a passing neighbour even commented why on earth would my parents rather stand around in the middle of the "semak", being harressed by mosquitoes than be seated comfortably in the living room to chat.. hehe.. yup, it's that 'bad'.. ;)

It may be a minor thing, but ability to "talk" to your partner, to me is quite important.. besides, if you're gonna live with this person for life, not being to talk will mean a verryy boring life together, init? hehe.. and i'm not even gonna say anything abt love, connection between the two & yadda..yadda..yadda.. u figure it out..

Is it just me or people are just out to take revenge of some sort from me??

So, it’s my fault.. you said you liked me, I said no.. are you gonna hold it against me for that decision for life? I don’t know if I made the right decision.. I still don’t.. but I’m not the one who got married; you did... so why are you imposing your doubts on me? You have no right to ask me questions abt the past... abt what-might-have-been... abt the whys & why nots...

some people might be flattered... some might think it’s amusing... sorry, I don’t... I don’t find it funny when married guys asking me what were my feelings for them... I don’t even find it amusing that you insist that I attend your wedding... I am not flattered that I am notoriously known in a function... knowing fully well that everyone were expecting me... comparing me... judging me... and it irritates me so when you & wife dragged my name into your problems (and this is the ones I hear abt.. the ones I don’t? )…

I’m a Capricorn, once I made my decision, I try to live with it... sure, sometimes it occurred to me that I made a mistake... maybe I was wrong to let any one of you walk out of my life.. after all, I liked you enough to be your friend... but I have my reasons not to accept you... call it picky, call it insane, call it gut instinct... there’s always something that is missing.. maybe that’s why I still am not married... maybe that why the ones I do love, don’t stick around... who knows...

the story ends the minute you got married... in fact, to me, the moment when you agreed to get married, when you met that someone else.... that’s it... no turning back, no regrets, no doubts... I am your friend, if possible… if not, too bad... why should i worry abt what it will do to your marriage when you dont? god knows why but i do.. so don’t pull this guilt trip on me...It is not fair to the wife... it is not fair to me... ... so if you did/do care for me, don’t do this to me...

(not that they would ever read this...but I just had to get it out of my system)

auntie, would have loved to attend your daughter’s upcoming wedding, but not with the history we have, not with whatever intention you might have for inviting me... I know you never fully accepted my decisions & disappointed when he chose another.. she’s your DIL.. accept that fact & don’t grudge me my life..

friend.. I know & you know that you’re happy with the wife so do yourself a favour & leave me out of the marriage… and if I have to break the friendship for this, so be it..

I've got too much going on in my head.. yet no idea where to start..

The month started off with a large scale audit by the corporate team.. which i totally screw up on my part.. :( well, i'm only human okay.. doesnt help that most of last year i was totally overwhelmed with own problems to really concentrate on things like filing and stuff..

at least, for one thing it does tell the bosses that 1 person really cannot handle all these responsibility & control everything..or do they even get it?? hmm.. seems to me that even more work is asked from you as a result.. ;( i suppose it's just excuses really, but.. i don't know.. either i don't know how to do my job or i'm doing too much.. it's just that it's really2 frustrating when i see myself not being able to do the job..

at least the boss is still giving me my bonuses (which have not been banked in yet).. hehe.. this would definitely help pay off the graduation tickets for my guests this weekend.. *wink*

anyway, on the matters of the heart.. hmm.. how do i say it? my mind is currently in a total mess & the truth is.. i don't know what it is that i feel these days.. and i supposed that it's not fair to some ppl.. it has been long enough that i've been creating this cocoon around myself, shutting myself at home & partly, shutting out my friends too..

i'd suposed i'd be more cynical but that's just not in me.. i still believe in dreams.. that there are good in people.. that i don't have to try so hard to be happy.. that they didn't mean that they hate me & sorry for what they did.. that maybe, maybe he truly did love me.. that we could still make it work.. oh well, it's all only in my dream.. i should really learn to love another, right?

Oh no...i'm so totally getting fried by my boss over this! adoi.. how la..
help!..

I sometimes wonder why we subject ourselves to the things we do.. do we really need to work for such absurbly long hours? everyone is in a competition all the time, for promotion, fame, something ...

and in this town, everyone is always rushing for time..we're doing our banking at nite... paying our bills at odd hours..having dinner at midnite..buying groceries just before the stores closes.. "life" starts after work ie at nite & all these technology in the world are not making our life simpler.. (i just generalising here, okay.. so sue me..)

Maybe i'm just not that ambitious.. maybe i'm just being a spoilt brat or just plain lazy.. but i'm just not into this rat race thing.. hey i like my job, pretty much my life & i know can move forward along this path.. but i seriously do not see myself living this life for another 10 years, 20 years.. but the thing is, i dont think this lifestyle is limited only to my workplace.. or my job function.. instead i see it everywhere.. it's becoming a norm..expected..

does the money we receive can compansate for all the things we are sacrificing now? that is even if you do get the pay you deserve.. or other perks you might enjoy.. maybe the self esteem/respect/etc that you're looking for.. maybe the glamour of the title.. maybe the challenges that you face.. a way to support the lifestyle you have/want..

or maybe i'm judging it too harshly, given my current outlook of life.. ? that it is just me who have given up trying ? not have not tried enough ? are not doing it right ? that my mood swings are affecting my logic thinking ? that i'm trying to blame my job/lifestyle/other people for everything that's gone wrong in my life.. ? maybe i just have not found a 'true calling' of some sort (if such thing even exist) ?

maybe.. maybe i just think too much.. abt everything & nothing.. which is why only bits & pieces of these nonsense makes sense.. if you can find it.. haha..


Extracted this from a website.. Read it..

Time is not a measure: but rather a quality. When we look at the past we are not rewinding a tape but remembering a gift of our passage on Earth. Time is not measured like a road is measured, since we take gigantic leaps backwards (memories) and forwards (projects).

Managing is not living: “time is money” is nonsense. We have to be aware of each moment and know how to take advantage of each single moment in what we are doing (with love) or in just contemplating life. A day has 24 hours and an infinity of moments. If we slow down, everything will last much longer. Of course, washing the dishes can take longer too, but why not use that time to think about pleasant things, singing, relaxing, being happy at just being alive?

Acting in the face of negative emotions: when we sit down on the sofa, we turn on the television (which is actually a way to “turn off” from the world). Or else we grow very anxious, feel we are wasting time, that we need to call someone, do gymnastics, tidy up the house. Why? Because if we stay quiet, all the wave of repressed emotions will assail us, depress us, leave us feeling sad or guilty. But the more we “keep busy” the more these emotions pile up, until one day we run the risk of seeing them explode out of control.

Yes, we all have our problems, which have to be faced – why not do this today? Stop. Think. Maybe suffer a little. But in the end, understand who we are, what we feel, what we are doing here at this very moment – instead of wanting to determine the Agenda of Life.

Darn it.. dunno why, but i'm soooo stressed out...
Could be coz the boss is bugging me too much & work is piling up as it is..
or coz of the weather..
or due to last nite's msg..

why? why do you need to come back into my life? is there some kind of unwritten rule somewhere that you guys just can't leave me alone? You're the one who moved on yet you can't let me go? it's not funny okay ?

sheesh.. the things you do for your job... just today i got chewed up by ppl complaining abt the bosses.. and other complaints in general.. hehe.. what to do.. me being the middle person get fired from both end... it's not that i dont wanna do something about it.. sure, there's loads of idea i'd wish i could bring about, things i wanna implement... but up to a point, all you wanna do is complete what is required of you & go home.. as it is you're doing too much fire-fighting, rather than getting thru to the root..

used to be i dreamed of this jet-setting lifestyle (even if i only get to as far as Singapore & Batam.. hehe), having flexible working hours, casual work dress code.. to tell the truth, did get almost of of it, in a way.. but yet.. something is still not enough.. see, how ungrateful i am to Him, after all, Allah only gave me what i wanted, right? yeah well.. doesn't help that mum's going on with her "work with gomen" campaign.. i'm so tired of everything, i'm actually considering it.. as a change.. maybe.. but seriously? dunno if i can survive that....

anyway.. i'm just whining out loud.. as much as i would like to stop & smell the flowers, actually living life rather than going thru it, could not come up with any.. logical plan on how to do that.. yet.. if the rest of these crew can survive it, surely i can too.. somehow.. before i burn myself out.. or go insane in the process.. ha ha..

v-day huh? not that i've ever celebrated it before, but i supposed i don't oppose it either.. admitted it is fun seeing the things that ppl do on that day, but nah.. i'm too practical for that.. i do however love the stuff that sells during v-day tho.. you can find the cutest teddy bears & heart-shape whatevers & daily-dose of movies, love songs.. hehe..

but this time, i can't help but reflect on the things that happened during last feb.. it's been a year since then.. and i believed that i've come a long way.. not quite a 360 turnaround, nor do i feel as matured as i thought i would be at this age.. in fact have been more cynical that i've ever been in life

But something came up last nite.. maybe, just maybe, this v-day could mean something this time..

Was reading this so-call birthday analysis..

Your birthday on the 29th adds a tone of idealism to your nature. You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the business world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding intuitive skills and analytical abilities. The 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers which often produces much nervous tension. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You do, however, work very well with people.

You can probably do and succeed at almost ANYTHING you put your mind to.Any job that uses your creativity, social contacts, words and a sense of humor are pure gold for your Destiny. Yes, I know this can encompass a wide variety of career options. As long as they give you the ability to exercise your brain and enthusiasm, they will be okay.Careers I want to warn you against are those that involve detail and analytical skills. Not that you aren't good at analysis -- it's probably...

Face it, time clocks and nine-to-five jobs just aren't you! If you're aiming to become a small cog in a large corporate machine, you should forget it.With your restless nature, you're far better off with a flexible schedule. This same restlessness also means you'll be able to work on many projects simultaneously. The trick is, though, to find an employer who appreciates you as you are, who knows how to get the best from you, and who realizes that you're a woman who can get the job done - but on your own terms.

hmm..not bad analysis tho.. guess that's explains a few things.. hehe.. so guess i should be looking around for a place where i can dictate "my own terms" ! if anyone knows a place like that, do be sure to inform me abt it.. hehe..

Would you invite your ex to your wedding??

Hehe.. well, that was the question asked during this morning's Mix FM radio show.. and this guy called up to share his hilarious encounter when he attended his ex's wedding.. the bride actually had all her exes placed in one table.. you can just imagine the stories that came out.. they were comparing when they met the her, how long they were together & even how many who has slept with her! OMG.. hehe.. aren't you supposed to keep them well away from each other..?

well, personally, i've only had one.. but there were a few who were more-than-friends-but-not-bf.. heck, i was already someone's ex before i ever had a bf! hahah.. don't ask me how that happen... people! they think they know so much about you & start talking behind your back not knowing that all they're saying is soo far from the truth..

one wedding which i attended.. or rather "forced" to attend a few years back was for this guy i met during my a-levels.. we almost had something going on, but it never came to anything.. sure, i was crushed when i heard he met someone at uni, but then we were friends after all & it's not like there's anything between us... so even if we no longer kept in touch, we do have the same friends & we do see each other at certain functions, so no point of me being less than civil about it..

however, the wife was so sure that i'm his ex, that she'd be making so much fuss whenever the topic of muah comes up.. Duh! like i care.. but i do pity my friends who are friends with her & hubby.. so that's how i was "forced" to attend their wedding.. the wife rounded up my friends to make sure that i attend.. not sure what that was supposed to achieve tho, but after almost 3 years of trying to avoid any confrontation with this mad woman, i decided to go.. & did it in style no less...ahaks..
brought along an escort.. lucky for me my cuz was a willing conspirator, although he almost got busted as some of his friends were there as well.. also last i heard about it was he did get some trashing from his gf abt this (although from my limited knowledge, they were not together yet during that time.. ).. opps.. didn't mean to get him in trouble..

i didn't realised it then but seems that i surprised quite a lot of people that nite.. news even travelled all the way to UK.. & the guy i was sort of seeing (off & on then), called me from UK asking me abt it.. poor guy.. & when it came this guy's wedding... well.. i better continue the story in pt 2.. this is getting too long, even for me.. haha..

so i'm off to waste a few hours before my 9pm meeting.. hmm..where should i go?? .....

So what if i want to stay in this cloud of mine?
where none of the bad things can ever touch me?
where i don't have to think about the future?
or what i need/should do?

I may not be as happy as I should, but I am not unhappy now..
I just need a little peace in my life.. at least for a while..
So leave me be.. allow me to enjoy while it lasts..
for i am sure it will not..

"People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Abraham Lincoln

Darn it.. wished that i could actually go to Australia, rather than just do this new job from Spore.. hehe.. well, it's good enough that i do get travel at all huh? maybe one of these days... i don't like my job, but i do like my job too.. hehe.. can't seem to make up my mind here.. anyway, just how many people do you know who love theirs? i'll last it out here for as long as i can.. or at least till something better comes up.. hehe..

Wondered what caused the blackout this afternoon, that almost all of Klang Valley got affected? Luckily i was on my way out of lunch already, & not caught in the jam due to no traffic light.. in fact, my lunch partner's wife got caught in the elevator in Putrajaya during the blackout.. at least, only for a few minutes before it started again (must be the backup power..)..but scarily, the door opened to reveal walls, as she was in between floors when it happened...

god.. i so do not like these 'performance review' thingy...
and all those pep talk..
you need to be more aggrassive...
you need to project more leadership quality...
you should be looking for opportunities to grow...
you need to learn to work smart, not work hard...identify & eliminate wastage...
at this age, you should be more career-minded, mix with the right people...


yeah... yeah... tell me about it..
and these so-call "work-life balance".. how is it possible to have such thing, with the amount of work expected out of us, & this current headcount.. ? As it is, what we do is never enough.. & he just couldn't get over the fact that i passed over that vacancy..

well.. i'm not exactly aiming for the head.. nor am i willing to stay in this level forever.. but i don't exactly know what is it that i'm looking for.. where to specialise.. what to aim/focus on.. he said that experience doesn't matter if you're strong enough to compete, to get what you want.. and yes, in this environment, we need to be fast & we need to be better than the next person & we need to be visible.. one way or another..

and how do i do that? nooo idea whatsoeva....

2004 has finally left us.. Happy New Year!!

This year's New Year celebration was pretty low key as compared to the last.. Prolly due to the cancellation of countdown by Singapore, plus the rain has been going on/off throughout the whole day.. either that or Grand Hyatt throws a better party than Conrad... hehe..

But watching those people on the dance floor, i can't help but noticed that the westerners really do know how to dance.. well, not all of course.. but those who knew, wow, should see how the guys twirl the girls round & round... they looked like they're having a ball.. what, me join them? woohoo, don't think so.. i'm way to self-conscious to be dancing all nite.. haha.. the asians however & here's mostly the elderly ones, tend to be more class-room inspired movements.. nonetheless, these ppl do know how to dance, unlike myself..
(Note: just my own observation, not a sweeping generalisation of any particular person/race/region/whatever)

Although the bedroom is smaller than Hyatt's, but it's much better really.. the bed, is so heavenly.. they even turn down the bed for me during the evening, the pillows & duvet is soo soft that you could sink into it... wished i could stay in bed the whole day.. if only the company would pay for me to have another nite there... well, you can't expect me to afford a room like that do you?

But celebrating New Year's on your own, is no fun.. well, what to do.. they tell you to work, that's what you do..