Princess Lilue

Used to be, i thot that depression is something rare.. someone who's weak minded, lack of faith etc.. but over the years i have realised that ppl around me are facing depression.. and there's nothing wrong with these ppl.. although i still think that faith plays an important role here, it is still a disease...

strength is not something that could be taught.. or talked into.. it's also not the problems that you face, but on how you face them..

i dont want to claim that i'm stronger than most ppl or anything like that.. but Allah loves me & had helped me thru the rough times.. there were times when i though i couldnt go on, but Alhamdullilah, i managed to keep my head above water long enough still i could stand back on my own.. and yes, it wasnt easy.. if wasnt for my parents.. my best friends.. i might not have made it thru.. my heart still have the holes there, but i won't let u see it..

so to my friends who are still struggling, hang in there.. u can make it, if you believe in it.. or make yourself believe it..

I'll get over you... I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see... no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself...
~Artist Lyrics: Go West
~Song Lyrics: King Of Wishful Thinking

Think the song's quite appropriate for me now..

Natasha Bedingfield
Title: Single

Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you
Yeah

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want
Doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up
You either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be

Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

[Repeat Chorus]

Everything in it's right time everything in its right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way, it's my way
Eh I like it this way

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

Who are you when nobody's watching?
When no one knows what you do, what you think, or what you feel.
You are so much to so many, so who are you to yourself?

Are you exactly the same as you are to the world?
If so, tell me how.
To be so truthful, so real.

When you sit alone.
When you close your eyes.
When you look at that face looking back in the mirror.

What goes through your mind at that moment,
Just between wake and sleep.
What scares you or drives you.

When you stare out the window.
Voices in your head, conversing, arguing.
What are they saying?

There are things nobody knows.
Don't lie.
What are they?

Your insecurities, your true pride.
Your pain and sadness, your joy and gladness.
Your secrets. Your truths.

Watch yourself.
When nobody's watching.
You.

I thot that i have found my "happy ending", but realised that it is yet to come...
insya allah..


So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done (I managed to avoid this..haha)

CHORUS X 2

So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending
-Avril Lavigne-

1. One old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come.

2. Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams should want to see her in an hour.

4. A youth she is content to leave behind, and a past juicy enough for her to look forward to retelling in her old age.

5. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

6. One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry.

7. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

8. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honoured.
9. And a feeling of control over her destiny.


Every woman should know...

1. How to fall in love without losing herself, how to quit a job or break up with a lover, and how to confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

2. When to try harder and when to walk away.

3. That she cannot change the length of her calves, the width of her hips or the nature of her parents.

4. That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

5. What she will or will not do for love, or more.

6. How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.

7. Whom she can trust, whom she cannot, and why she shouldn't take some things personally.

8. Where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming motel in the countryside when her soul needs soothing.

9. And what she can or cannot accomplish in a day, a month and a year.

A little offsetting reading it in english, but nonetheless..

Praying to Allaah, may He be exalted

Du’aa’ (prayer or supplication) is very beneficial, and includes both protection and treatment. As far as protection in concerned, the Muslim is obliged to turn to Allaah and pray to Him for refuge from distress and to keep him away from it, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do. His servant Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) tells us: “I used to serve the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) when he stayed in Madeenah (i.e. was not travelling). I often used to hear him saying: ‘Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika min al-hamm wa’l-hazn wa’l-‘ajz wa’l-kasal wa’l-bukhl wa’l-jubn wa dala’ al-dayn wa ghalbat al-rijaal (O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from distress, grief, incapacity, laziness, miserliness, cowardice, the burden of debt and from being overpowered by men).’”
This du’aa’ is very effective in preventing distress before it happens; prevention is better, and easier, than cure.
When one is worried about what may happen in the future, the following du’aa’ is very beneficial. Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say: “Allaahumma aslih li deeni alladhi huwa ‘ismat amri wa aslih li dunyaaya allati fihaa ma’aashi wa aslih li aakhirati allati fihaa ma’aadi w’aj’al al-hayaata ziyaadatan li fi kulli khayri w’aj’al al-mawta raahatan li min kulli sharr (O Allaah, make me adhere properly to my religion, on which all my affairs depend; make this world good for me in which is my livelihood; make my Hereafter good for me, in which is my ultimate destiny; make my life increase in every good thing and make my death a respite from every evil).”
When distress and pain befall a person, the door of du’aa’ is always open to him; it is never closed. When one calls upon the Most Generous, He will respond and give. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And when My slaves ask you concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright.” [al-Baqarah 2:186]
One of the greatest du’aa’s which take away distress and anxiety and bring joy is the famous du’aa’ which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged everyone who hears it to learn it by heart:
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatija naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief, and replace it with joy.” He was asked: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we learn this?” He said: “Of course; everyone who hears it should learn it.”
This important hadeeth indicates the following: the slave should admit that he belongs to Allaah and that he cannot do without Him and has no other master than Allaah; that he should be a slave to Allaah, announce his submission to Him, obey His commandments and heed His prohibitions; that Allaah is directing and controlling him as He wills; that he should demonstrate his submission to Allaah and his acceptance of His decree; that he should pray to Allaah, using all His Names, then ask for what he needs.
A number of other du’aa’s to do with distress and anxiety have also been narrated in the Sunnah. They include the following:
Ibn ‘Abbaas reported that when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) felt distressed, he would say: “Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem al-Haleem, laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb al-‘Arsh al-‘azeem, la ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb al-samawaat wa Rabb al-ard wa Rabb al-‘Arsh al-kareem (There is no god but Allaah, the All-Powerful, the Forbearing; there is no god but Allaah, Lord of the mighty Throne; there is no god but Allaah, Lord of heaven, Lord of earth, and Lord of the noble Throne).”
Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that when the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was distressed by something, he would say: “Yaa Hayyu yaa Qayyoom bi rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living, O Eternal, by Your mercy I seek help).”
Asmaa’ bint ‘Umayr said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me: ‘Shall I not teach you some words which you can say at times of distress? ‘Allaah Allaah rabbee laa ushriku bihi shay’an (Allaah Allaah is my Lord, I do not associate anything with Him).’”
Another of the beneficial du’aa’s which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) taught us is the one he told us about when he said: “The du’aa’ of the person who is in distress is: ‘Allaahumma rahmataka arjoo fa laa takilni ilaa nafsi tarfat ‘ayn w’aslih li sha’ni kullahu laa ilaaha illa anta (O Allaah, for Your mercy I hope, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blink of an eye; rectify all my affairs. There is no god except You)’”
If a person thinks about the meaning of these du’aa’s and prays with concentration and a sincere intention, doing all those things that can help to bring about a response, Allaah will fulfil his hopes and do the things asked for; He will turn his distress into joy.
If the du’aa’ comes from a heart which is filled with faith, it will dispel worry and bring comfort. The scholars have mentioned many stories of people who prayed to Allaah in times of calamity and distress, and Allaah responded to their prayer and saved them from an enemy, or from drowning, or from starvation or disaster. One example is the story of what happened to the great Sahaabi al-‘Alaa al-Hadrami, who was one of the most prominent scholars and devoted worshippers, one of the close friends (awliyaa’) of Allaah whose du’aa’s are answered. During the campaign against the apostates of Bahrain, he pitched camp, but before the people could settle down, the camels bolted, carrying away all the provisions of the army, including their tents and water, leaving them with nothing but the clothes they were wearing. It was night-time, and they could not restrain even one camel. The people were filled with indescribable distress and alarm, and some of them began making wills to one another (because they felt that death was inevitable). Al-‘Alaa’ called the people together and said: “O people, are you not Muslims? Are you not striving for the sake of Allaah? Are you not the ansaar (supporters) of Allaah?” They said, “Of course.” He said, “Then be of good cheer, for Allaah will not forsake anyone who is in your situation.” When the time for Fajr prayer came, he called the people to pray and led them in prayer, then he knelt up, and the people did likewise. He started to pray (make du’aa’), raising his hands, and the people did likewise. They prayed until the sun rose, and the people began to look at the mirages caused by the sun, shimmering one after another, all the while fervently praying. When he reached the third [??], Allaah created a great stream of fresh water beside them. [‘Alaa’] walked towards it, and the people followed him, then they drank and washed themselves. Before the sun had reached its zenith, the camels started to come back from all directions, bringing the supplies loaded on them, so the people did not lose anything at all, and they were able to give water to the camels. This is one of the signs of Allaah witnessed by the people during that campaign. (Al-Bidaayah wa’l-Nihaayah: Dhikr riddat ahl al-Bahrayn wa ‘awdatihim).

A man and a woman are sitting in a restaurant arguing about the age-old topic of male-female relationships.

The man, having been in several relationships that did not work out, observed that it was difficult to make a woman happy, saying, "...it has happened to me many times that a lady has told me that I was making her unhappy, and that she wished that she and I were dead, at a time when I have tried hardest to make her happy. It is so many years now since Adam and Eve were first together in the garden, that it seems a great pity that we have not learned better how to please another."

After pondering over what the gentleman had said, this is what the woman replied, to help shed some light on the gentleman's perplexing, though not unique, situation.

"Now God," she said, "when he created Adam and Eve, arranged it so that man takes, in these matters, the part of a guest, and woman that of a hostess. Therefore man takes love lightly, for the honour and dignity of his house is not involved therein. And you can also, surely, be a guest to many people to whom you would never want to be a host. Now, tell me, Count, what does a guest want?"

"I believe," said the man when he had thought for a moment, "that if we do, as I think we ought to here, leave out the crude guest, who comes to be regaled, takes what he can get, and goes away, a guest wants first of all to be diverted, to get out of his daily monotony or worry. Secondly the decent guest wants to shine, to expand himself and impress his own personality upon his surroundings. And thirdly, perhaps, he wants to find some justification for his existence altogether. But since you put it so charmingly, Signora, please tell me now; What does a hostess want?"

"The hostess," said the young lady, "wants to be thanked."

Taken from The Roads Round Pisa by Isak Dinesen in her collection of short stories, Seven Gothic Tales.

*** LILLIES OF THE FIELD ****
Commencement speech made by Pulitzer Prize-Winning author, Anna
Quindlen.

"I am a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.
Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out
of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There
will be hundreds of people doing what you want to do for a living. BUt
you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life.

Your particular life, Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk,
or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the
life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank
account but your soul.

People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier
to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold
comfort on a winter night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or
when you've gotten back the test results and they're not so good.

HERE IS MY RESUME!

I'm a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my
profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer
consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try
to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make
marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to friends and
they are to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you
today, because I would be a cardboard cutout. I would be rotten, or at
best mediocre at my job, if those other things were not true.

So here's what I wanted to tell you today:
Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the
bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much
about these things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a
lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself
on a breeze over Seaside heights, a life in which you stop and watch
how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water or the way a baby scowls
with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb
and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who
love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work.

Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter. Get a life in which
you are generous. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and
that you have no business taking it for granted.

Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around.
Take money you would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work
in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister.

All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing
well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, our minutes. It
is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes, the way the
melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It
is so easy to exist instead of living. I learned to live many years
ago. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the
only guarantee you get.

I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of
it back because I believed in it, completely and utterly. And I tried
to do that, in part, by telling others what I learned. By telling them
this:

Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear.
Read in the backyard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And
think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live
it.

Sometimes you....
Care for the wrong people
Give to unappreciative souls
Respond to those who stay silent
Smile at those who don't bother to see
Cry for the very ones who remain hard through your tears
And you want to be smart, stop, protect yourself
But you don't know how

considering how late we slept last nite, i'm feeling pretty fresh..of sort.. hehe..

anyway.. we had quite a stimulating conversation on our expectations of life & relationship.. and thankfully, i'm not alone in my way of thinking .. i know my expectations are high but still, i'm not looking for a perfect partner, just someone perfect for me..

well.. boss already calling me back to plant.. so have to continue later..

Found this article which i think, given that this is a month of reflections and forgiveness.. i really shud learn to let go & move on with my life.. i know i'm still holding on somehow, even tho at the back of my mind, i know it's over...so it's time to get rid of all things relating to him.. & it's time to stop thinking of the what-ifs & whys'..

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.
If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.
Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?
You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.
But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.
None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.
Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.
Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

still waiting to be taken for berbuka.. well, if there's ppl who's insisting to take you out, why resist? hehe.. dont get me wrong..it's just my client & i'm not alone either..hehe.. cian my friend, she'd have to berbuka on her own.. but i'm staying over with her till she goes back, right? also, going back to her place is much nearer than my own from here.. ;p

hmm.. so far my ramadhan has not been that different that average days.. so far i still reach home abt 7, usually later.. and at least not eating alone since my friend came down here.. how sad can i be? hehe.. well, i'm one of those ppl, who rather be on my own anyway.. now that i think abt it, i was never that comfortable with ppl.. i suppose some ppl would call me cold or a snob or "sombong".. i'm really not any of those (at least i'd like to think so..).. but i'm really not that good with ppl..

well.. gotta go.. it's another 15mins to berbuka & i still havent left the building yet.. ;p

It's ramadhan again.. i've always love ramadhan.. maybe it's coz of the food that we get to ask for as "reward" for fasting for the day.. or maybe coz we'd be preparing for raya.. my mum used to make our baju raya herself.. so we'd have homemade dresses & baju kurungs.. then we'd be spending the last week of puasa cooking - baking cakes & cookies, making ketupats & rendang (these are usually the nite before..)..it usually's way too tempting smelling the freshly baked food on the table, but of course we'd have to just bear it till break fast, when we could sample it out..

anyway.. havent really had any proper raya since i came back to msia.. there was the bro's wedding, the exams, lack of holidays causing me to rush between here & home..

altho, this year's major problem would be how do i get back.. last year, i went home with my ex.. since we've broken up a while back, i dont have a ride back home.. yeah, it was really handy when both of you heading the same way.. :( well, life goes on.. so the plan is for my parents to come here instead.. altho who we're planning to have raya with, i dont really know actually.. we could always go over to my Pak Tih's place for raya, which we will anyway.. and maybe Pak Ucu.. hmm.. one thing for sure, my parents do have a lot of friends here.. so hopefully they wont mind the relatives much this year seeing that we're barely talking now.. ;p

opps.. better head home before i get stuck in a jam somewhere..

Have you read this one yet? It's a nice, heart-warming story :)

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house".

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessings to all my crackpot friends... ;)

time2 org nak balik.. masa tuh ler byk le benda yg org nak.. tak paham betul le..

oo.. my other boss telling me that he wants me to concentrate more on the audits & transfer some of the other jobs to my current boss.. also that he'd change me to report right to him rather than to my current boss.. hmm.. well supposed that are some good in that.. in a way, that shud help clear up some of my job, in order to concentrate more..otherwise i'd be bogged down with unnecessary problems caused by other ppl.. not that i'd expect these ppl to be mistake-free, but sometimes it is a little irritating when they dont even care or get affected by the mistake, instead knowing that someone can/will solve it for them.. well, i'd supposed i'd think that way too if i were them.. the maintenance part of my job, hmm.. it's not difficult i supposed... but leceh.. also have to be kinda dedicated.. but it does help when you're not busy with something (& when would that be? more likely it's just me who needed to not do work for a few hours..hehe)..

anyway.. my job is the kind that - is difficult to explain to others.. in words, it sounds so much simpler that it really is.. yet, how else would you describe it? ntah le..

kinda cool this friendster thingy.. managed to track down a few friends.. also surprises the way we tend to be linked to someone somehow or rather.. just shows how small this world really is..

okla.. i better ciao before the gate closes..

i'm so tired of :

• work
• my studies
• being responsible
• my lack of rest
• my lack of annual leave/holidays
• having to answer to too many ppl
• being the perfect daughther
• wanting to be loved
• having problems after problems, without any solutions
• tired of being worried that everything will fall apart around me
• tired of being tired..

There's still so many things that i havent done.. things that i need to do, which i dont want to do.. things that i want to do, but have no time to do...

i dont know how long i can keep up this calm exterior when i'm falling apart in the inside..

i dont really know what is it that ppl see when they see me.. i think most people would be pretty surprised if they'd know what goes on in my mind.. as it is, people tend to comment that they're quite surprised when they actually get to know me..

i know i seem to portray (not by purpose, mind you) that i'm:
- nice
- intelligent
- hardworking
- friendly
- brave
- independent
- ambitious
- artistic

However, i think that i am:
- not as nice that ppl think
- selfish
- whiner
- lazy
- watch too much tv
- not independent
- cold
- not good with responsibility
- not artistic, more like "kasar"..


well, i guess the list could go on & on.. i supposed it is just my insecurities that makes me undermime my own capabilities, which of course should not be broadcast to the public.. yet at the same time, i'm just soo afraid that one day someone would notice the real me or that i'd screw up royally..

i know she exaggerate things.. but i dont think that when i was living in her house, my actions was as bad as she says it is (e.g. didnt wash my plates, didnt clean the toilet, hog the tv),... that it warrented me being kick out of the house.. i mean, i know i'm no angel or some clean-freak person & i dont clean up as much as i should.. but surely not to that extend? or is it? ... but given her reputation in bad-mouthing her own kin, i supposed ppl dont give her stories much credit.. but still..

till then, guess i'll continue fumbling thru life the best that i know of.. and try to hold my head above water.. most of the time..

i didnt realised that i was thinking abt him.. but maybe something stayed at the back of my mind, which resulted in me dreaming abt him....it goes something like this (i could never remember my dreams properly, instead it sort of jumps from one scene to another, which sometimes are not related at all..)

i dunno how i met him or why he's there.. but i was going to go somewhere & he asked whether he could follow me.. i answered something along the line that it doesnt matter where he goes coz it's a free country.. somewhere along the line, we sort of ended up holding hand or something, but even in my dream, i kept thinking that i should not be doing this.. then after that he insisted that we go a certain route & kept looking at his watch.. we were walking.. using escalator & stuff, so i'm assuming we were in a supermarket or something.. we ended up near this bench & there's some kind of bill board thing around or behind us..and then he got exasperated/dissapointed (in the way he always does).. and told me that he wanted to run some kind of msg on the billboard thing behind us, not sure if i remember correctly, but i think it was a birthday wish to me, but it didnt came up..

i guess i do miss him.. and the hurt is just a dull ache now.. at times i'd be thinking what if he really was my "jodoh"..? what if he does comes back? but i do know he doesnt love me.. and i think he doesnt know me the way he should as he has a pre-constructed image of what he wants in a partner.. but guess i'd never know now.. i know ppl would tell me to move on.. after all it has been quite some time now.. but i'd like to think that he loved me in his own way, even if it's not the way i wanted.. i dont think that i could get back together with him, altho i'd loved to..

"It's different when it is your own house"..

That is so true.. as excited as i would to move to a new place (e.g. i have to move to a new place for each of my uni years).. its not quite as exciting as moving into something that you own.. something that belongs to you.. but then again, it could be coz i've been waiting for it for wayyy too long.. or that i'm finally seeing something positive for once this year.. somewhat positive that is.. as it is, I already had connection problem with my Astro, problem to install my new washing machine, i cant find that blue local majlis perbandaran's tong sampah thingy & those ppl i called up are giving me such dumb answers..

but there are some good thing - my window is perfect for that curtain i bought ages ago in nottingham (it didnt fit with my parents house's window - too short).. found a really good bargain with the bed..perfect fitting for my duvet & the bed.. found an absolutely lovely tv cabinet piece.. and finally get to use(or rather take out of the box) the stuff i bought back in uk..

well.. there's still a lot more work to be done with the house.. not so much technical stuff or any that requires professional, but rather the small items you'd need or need to do..

will update further on the house.. i may not be a great interior designer (no matter how much i love interior designing), where ideas come rushing over to me.. hehe.. but i do hope it'd be someplace where ppl would remember, would love to come back to, would like to stay..