Princess Lilue

i realised that one of the reason i'm having so much trouble with my work right now is because..
i cannot stand being pressure or forced to do something. yes, i'm weird that way, but i cant help how i feel.

It's not like i cannot/will not listen to others etc. if you tell me to do it, i will. if you ask me, i will. but i just hate being forced to do something. and i hate people who "hovers" over me. to control me. i absolutely hate it.

once during my stay at a boarding school in UK, the housemistress suddenly knocked on my door one early morning on a monday. out of the blue, she told me to clean the kitchen before i leave for school. (the house in within the school compound, but not part of the school. we have to walk across the pathway to go to our classes). i was so surprised, i didnt say a word. she said that the girl who was on duty (who is of course one of her favourite) came back late the nite before & was too tired to perform her duty. i know for a fact that she doesnt like me nor the other Malaysian students, so she does have a habit of picking faults with us over nothing. once i got over my surprise, i was so bengang, i just left for school without even peeking into the kitchen. lantak ko la. budak tuh tak buat, apsal pulak aku kena cover untuk dia. before2 that kalau orang lain tak buat, takde pulak nak suruh2 orang lain cover. so i buat tak tau aje la..

Another episode was during one of our many "parties" at the house. One of my school rules was no pants. we didnt have uniforms but we have to wear skirts to classes. so the dresscode for that nite was to wear skirts. i cant remember exactly but i think we had some parents over for that cheese&wine party. anyway, us malaysian girls were just so excited being in a party, we came out with all our "fancy" baju kurungs. ntah apsal harituh kami nak sangat pakai baju kurung. i guess we were being too noisy/excited la kot, tiba2 that housemistress of ours told us that we are NOT allowed to wear baju kurung. saja2 je. i dont know what came over me, but i was so bengang, i went ahead and wore my plain blue kebaya (no designs whatsoever) with the argument that that nite's dresscode was to wear skirt & my kebaya has a skirt. we had a huge row right in the middle of the living room so i stormed off & sulked in my room the rest of the nite. apparently that story really went around, coz the next day, the cleaners (who was always pretty nice to us), told me quietly that they totally agree with my actions & that the housemistress was just being difficult. also that they absolutely love our malaysian's national dresses... hehe, tak sangka pula ada supporters kan..

i've known this one guy. he called me one time, at work, at 3pm. i was in a meeting, so i picked up the phone & told him i'm busy. he had the audacity to be mad at me & saying i was trying to avoid his call. duh. if i was, i wouldnt have answered in the first place. it's not like you're my bf or husband. you're just a friend of my friend. we're not even friends. i never answered his calls anymore after that.

another guy i met, also a friend of my friend, called me at the office. i guess i wasnt at my place, at surau or something i supposed, so i didnt answer his call. he called later in the day, being so pissed off that i didnt answer my phone and was bugging me about where i was that i couldnt answer the phone. err, who are you to me that i cannot miss your call? and what is it to you where i was? adoi.. even my parents dont bug me like that tau. (of course, if it was after dark, they will insist to know where i am that point, esp if i dont answer the house phone).. and yes, i didnt talk to the guy anymore after that. he also never did call me (until like 4-5 months later, which i cant remember whether i answered.. haha.. )

so, now that we've established that i am a freak.. can someone tell me how la to handle this? i cant exactly run away from work. or turn away like i've done before. i dont get angry, really angry, very often. but when i do, i can seriously ikut hati. i can walk away from people & never turn back. i can be a timebomb in such cases. which is why i dont get them often. tapi bila dah marah, i cannot let it go. tak boleh nak pandang kat orang/benda yang membuatkan kita marah.
sigh.....