Princess Lilue

Life is tough and the only thing you have to prove is that you could be as solid as a rock
- Claudia Z @TheLoveStories

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i realised that one of the reason i'm having so much trouble with my work right now is because..
i cannot stand being pressure or forced to do something. yes, i'm weird that way, but i cant help how i feel.

It's not like i cannot/will not listen to others etc. if you tell me to do it, i will. if you ask me, i will. but i just hate being forced to do something. and i hate people who "hovers" over me. to control me. i absolutely hate it.

once during my stay at a boarding school in UK, the housemistress suddenly knocked on my door one early morning on a monday. out of the blue, she told me to clean the kitchen before i leave for school. (the house in within the school compound, but not part of the school. we have to walk across the pathway to go to our classes). i was so surprised, i didnt say a word. she said that the girl who was on duty (who is of course one of her favourite) came back late the nite before & was too tired to perform her duty. i know for a fact that she doesnt like me nor the other Malaysian students, so she does have a habit of picking faults with us over nothing. once i got over my surprise, i was so bengang, i just left for school without even peeking into the kitchen. lantak ko la. budak tuh tak buat, apsal pulak aku kena cover untuk dia. before2 that kalau orang lain tak buat, takde pulak nak suruh2 orang lain cover. so i buat tak tau aje la..

Another episode was during one of our many "parties" at the house. One of my school rules was no pants. we didnt have uniforms but we have to wear skirts to classes. so the dresscode for that nite was to wear skirts. i cant remember exactly but i think we had some parents over for that cheese&wine party. anyway, us malaysian girls were just so excited being in a party, we came out with all our "fancy" baju kurungs. ntah apsal harituh kami nak sangat pakai baju kurung. i guess we were being too noisy/excited la kot, tiba2 that housemistress of ours told us that we are NOT allowed to wear baju kurung. saja2 je. i dont know what came over me, but i was so bengang, i went ahead and wore my plain blue kebaya (no designs whatsoever) with the argument that that nite's dresscode was to wear skirt & my kebaya has a skirt. we had a huge row right in the middle of the living room so i stormed off & sulked in my room the rest of the nite. apparently that story really went around, coz the next day, the cleaners (who was always pretty nice to us), told me quietly that they totally agree with my actions & that the housemistress was just being difficult. also that they absolutely love our malaysian's national dresses... hehe, tak sangka pula ada supporters kan..

i've known this one guy. he called me one time, at work, at 3pm. i was in a meeting, so i picked up the phone & told him i'm busy. he had the audacity to be mad at me & saying i was trying to avoid his call. duh. if i was, i wouldnt have answered in the first place. it's not like you're my bf or husband. you're just a friend of my friend. we're not even friends. i never answered his calls anymore after that.

another guy i met, also a friend of my friend, called me at the office. i guess i wasnt at my place, at surau or something i supposed, so i didnt answer his call. he called later in the day, being so pissed off that i didnt answer my phone and was bugging me about where i was that i couldnt answer the phone. err, who are you to me that i cannot miss your call? and what is it to you where i was? adoi.. even my parents dont bug me like that tau. (of course, if it was after dark, they will insist to know where i am that point, esp if i dont answer the house phone).. and yes, i didnt talk to the guy anymore after that. he also never did call me (until like 4-5 months later, which i cant remember whether i answered.. haha.. )

so, now that we've established that i am a freak.. can someone tell me how la to handle this? i cant exactly run away from work. or turn away like i've done before. i dont get angry, really angry, very often. but when i do, i can seriously ikut hati. i can walk away from people & never turn back. i can be a timebomb in such cases. which is why i dont get them often. tapi bila dah marah, i cannot let it go. tak boleh nak pandang kat orang/benda yang membuatkan kita marah.
sigh.....

Yesterday i had flu almost the whole day (was really acting up in the afternoon though) & feeling slightly feverish, plus headache. My carpool-buddy had adviced me last nite to take the day off & totally ignore any calls from the office. This morning when i woke up, was feeling better, although a slightly heavy head. However I decided to follow her advice anyway & took the day off (although i did check the email in the morning on my staff's behalf coz he's in training for the day).

After a late breakfast in the morning & washing the clothes, i resorted to my korean drama & books and totally ignored the screaming in my head about my work. It's 2pm now & i realised that i really needed the break from the office. Even though i just came back from Raya Korban leave last week, i was working for 2 out of my 3-day break. plus was worrying over work during the weekend (even if i didnt login at all it was still looming over my head).

You can call me irresponsible or lazy to skip work like this, but i was getting too stressed over work & i'm one of those who cant handle it. I guess my stress level is probably different than others, but regardless, when i'm stress, my instict is to not want to do it & run away. I dont really see a way at the moment how to overcome this, but i probably just need to tell off these people & say that i have my limits & that if you dont like, tough. go get another person to do it then. either that or i will totally blow up or go insane (not literally of course).

sigh.. i really need to curb this feeling of wanting to run away when problem comes. i am so not cut out for this rat race & over-competition lifestyle. i'm much more of a loner, who prefers her books & puzzles to fanning some people's backside. sooo not me okay.. i have no time nor patience to bother about meeting other people's expectation or climbing some corporate ladder. i work coz i like to work. but not for people nor money nor glory whatnots.. like what Yeorim from Sungkhunkwan Scandal likes to say: "I'm no one's man. I'll stay only if you can keep me entertained."



p/s: i got an early birthday present. A water bottle that says:

"STRESSED.ANGRY.MAD.Deal with it"

how apt. But it also says:

take it easy
1. take a deep breath
2. write down your feeling

so this is what i'm doing now, writing down my own "upset journal".......
ada la lagi, tapi tak berkaitan.. hehe..

There are 4 types of Jobs: 1. Good for you and good for other people... (the best)... 2. Bad for you but good for other people... 3. Good for you but bad for other people... 4. Bad for you and bad for other people.... A lot of people are stuck in a job no.2. The best think is to change those jobs to become no.1 so that it's good for you and for other people.... - Tony Robbins.

Sometimes u have to stop chasing what u want,so that u can think again whether u REALLY want it or it was just a temporary fascination
-Fazley

p/s: he may not be a DR, he doesnt have to be one to tell facts/quotes that has meaning.. although i still dont agree with the fact that he dared call himself dr in the first place. if you're familiar with the education world (at least i think i do, both my parents are in the business), wouldnt have believed it anyway..

Make Me Strong by Sami Yusuf

I know I'm waiting (Aku tahu aku sedang menunggu)
Waiting for something (Sedang menunggu sesuatu)
Something to happen to me (Sesuatu untuk berlaku kepada diriku)
But this waiting comes with (Tetapi bersama penantian ini)
Trials and challenges (Cubaan dan cabaran)

Nothing in life is free (Tiada yang percuma di dalam hidup ini)
I wish that somehow (Namun aku berharap)
You'd tell me out aloud (Engkau akan beritahu aku sekuat-kuatnya)
That on that day I'll be ok (Yang aku akan ok pada ketika itu)

But we'll never know cause (Tetapi kita tidak akan tahu, kerana)
That's not the way it works (Kebiasaannya bukanlah begitu)
Help me find my way (Bantulah aku menemui caraku)

My Lord show me right from wrong (Tuhanku tunjukkanlah aku yang benar dari yang salah)
Give me light make me strong (Berikanlah aku cahaya, jadikanlah aku seorang yang tabah)
I know the road is long (Aku tahu perjalanan ini panjang)
Make me strong (Jadikanlah aku seorang yang tabah)
Sometimes it just gets too much (Kadangkala terlalu banyak yang aku perlu tempuhi)
I feel that I've lost touch (Aku rasa aku telah kehilangan sentuhan)
I know the road is long (Aku tahu perjalanan ini panjang)
Make me strong (Jadikanlah aku seorang yang tabah)

I know I'm waiting (Aku tahu aku sedang menunggu)
Yearning for something (Mengharapkan sesuatu)
Something known only to me (Sesuatu yang hanya aku tahu)
This waiting comes with (Bersama penantian ini)
Trials and challenges (Cubaan dan cabaran)

Life is one mystery (Kehidupan adalah satu misteri)
I wish that somehow (Namun aku berharap)
You'd tell me out aloud (Engkau beritahu aku sekuat-kuatnya)
That on that day you'll forgive me (Yang Engkau akan memaafkan aku ketika itu)
But we'll never know cause (Tetapi kita tidak akan tahu, kerana)
That's not the way it works (Kebiasaannya bukanlah begitu)
I beg for your mercy (Aku mohon kasih sayang-Mu)

My Lord show me right from wrong (Tuhanku tunjukkanlah aku yang benar dari yang salah)
Give me light make me strong (Berikanlah aku cahaya, jadikanlah aku seorang yang tabah)
I know the road is long (Aku tahu perjalanan ini panjang)
Make me strong (Jadikanlah aku seorang yang tabah)
Sometimes it just gets too much (Kadangkala terlalu banyak yang aku perlu tempuhi)
I feel that I've lost touch (Aku rasa aku telah kehilangan sentuhan)
I know the road is long (Aku tahu perjalanan ini panjang)
Make me strong (Jadikanlah aku seorang yang tabah)

- Artikel iluvislam.com

Actually, i'm not sure what is it i want out of life..

i know that:
- i dont exactly want to be a housewife or a teacher..
- i dont want a job that makes me work til 4am in the morning or til midnight. sekali sekala is one thing, but every month is a bit too much
- i dont think i can last working in the government sector. i would definitely die of boredom
- i dont mind working with numbers & excels, but i am so phobic with reporting/closing activities right now
- i dont mind doing analysis work. i'm good, but not that great
- i dont mind if it includes travelling, but if i do get married, not too sure how that will be a factor. oh ya btw, if you make me travel, dont la make me do the jobs at the office as well during my travel. tak sempat2 tau nak cover semua benda.
- i do plan to get married at some point of time, so i dont plan to chain myself at work all nite, weekends and public hols
- i want to at least be able to take leave or be on mc, without being chased for something or the other. Ini, cuti 3 hari tapi keje for 2 out of that 3 days.. macam la the company nak lingkup kalau i takde for a few days
- i'm not that great a leader. i can teach/tell you what/how to do but dont expect me to hold your hand all the time. i'm no good at detailed, nitty gritty work, i get lost. (which is why i am dying doing closing work, it's too detailed for my brains sob sob)
- i would love to do "think out of the box" type stuffs, but then again, you have to give me the time to think. if my to-do list is longer than 1 page & can never be finished-type, then dont expect me to come out with fantastic ideas & such.
- it's not so much the money that i'd chase (but you do have to pay me you know.. including bonuses) but the satisfaction of a job well done. ini sebabkan nak kejar semua benda, buat yang mana sempat aje & asal siap aje... seems like no meaning to it. all superficially done.

is there such job that could cater to my wishes? hmmm.. i wonder..

p/s: Joining this rat-race life is no fun. What do you get out of it? As per saying by my colleage's elder - "Keje apa la ni? Keluar pagi, balik malam. Tak juga kaya! Kaya lagi aku yang duduk rumah ni"...

I wanna go traveling.
I miss traveling.
I wish I can find a job that allows me to take time to go traveling.
In my current, I have annual leave but I can barely take any. In fact, I'm working on most public holidays.

My wishlist:
- seoul ( I want to meet Hyun Joong & SS501 specifically hehe)
- New zealand
- greece
- morocco
- Austria
- japan
I dont mind revisiting some of these places either:
- uk
- france
- usa
- holland
Etc

Like i said.. Its a wishlist..

How to makes yourself love something That you dont?
How do you convince yourself That this is just a learning curve? That you will master IT someday?
How continue on when IT is the last thing That you want to Look at or think about?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Salam Aidiladha buat semua Umat islam di luar Sana...

Buat yang mengerjakan haji tahun Ini, semoga mendapat haji yang mabrur. Esp for MdmKS's hubby & FIL, and my colleague, Farah. Insya Allah..

Sigh.. performance baik pun tak cukup, performance bad lagi la.. adoi..
aku tak larat la nak layan..

keje nye tak kisah la sangat..
tapi admin part, layan orang part..
bos nya lagi, "client" nya lagi..
aku tak suka la..
Sangat tak rajin nak buat/layan benda2 mengarut ni..
bab2 orang paling tak suka..
why else would i be the loner that i am?

Added: my mum says don't be like the typical malais. Can't take a little challenge. Already looking for way out.
How little a challenge is considered little? At what point do you decide to struggle through, and when to call it a day? It's a very fine line between giving up & accepting that you can't. Which I'm no expert of course..

"if something doesnt work, change it"..

Saw this quote on the wall.
So what i'm doing now doesn't work, so what do I change? My profession? Hmmm...


P/s: I did create this blog as a place to "lepas geram", so kindly ignore all these nonsensical posts, for the past few mth & any upcoming ones.. Tq.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Aku bosan!
Aku Tak Suka!
Aku tak larat!

Uwaaa... Help!!!

I was thinkin' about ya
I drew a little picture
But some things you can't put on paper
Like ya like shooting stars
Or write songs on guitar
Got more things to do than stare at a mirror

And I know I know,
She's gotta be out there, out there
I know, I know, she's gotta be

Maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm right
Maybe I'll just let you walk by
What can I say, maybe I've known you all my life
Is she the one, is it today
Will I turn the corner, see my future
In a beautiful face
Maybe

She's anything but typical
A sweet suprise
No matter what she's looking at the brightside
It's gonna be worth it
Cos that's what love it's
I'll keep searching for my kind of perfect!

And I know, I know, she's gotta be out there, out there
I know I know, she's gotta be.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right, maybe I just let you walk by
What can I say, maybe I've known you all my life
Is she the one, is it today
Will I turn the corner, see my future, in a beautiful face
Maybe

They say, give it time, give it time and it will fall in line
But I keep wondering how and when and why I haven't met you...

But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right

Ooohhhhh
Is she the one is it today
Will I turn the corner
See my future, in a beautiful face

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right
Maybe I just let you walk by
What can I say
Maybe I've known you all my life
Is she the one, is it today
Will I turn the corner, see my future
In a beautiful face
Maybe ohh maybe yeah

I'll keep searching for my kind of perfect.

~David Archuleta~
P/s: the song is so-so, but loved the lyrics...

Some of my god-knows-when-i'll-achieve-it deams:

• To open up a bookstore ala Meg Ryan's You've Got Mail's Shop around the corner. Including a wicked cafe, selling oh-so-yummy pastries & coffee ala Nora Robert's Three Sister Island Bookstore (chewah..)
• To write a (bestseller) book.. or at least something that someone might actually read.. hehhe..
• To be someone who gets paid to read books or buy books.. ooo..wont that be nice?
• To get paid to travel... in style of course.. *stars in my eyes*..

Is it just a dream? To tell the truth, i'm not that rajin to open up a business. Got to have the effort. but then again, rather than i slave myself over my current work. For at least a week per month, i have to stay late. and i mean late. I left office at 1am yesterday. In fact i didnt go home. My colleague bugged me to follow her home instead of driving back all the way home. Dont even ask what i wore to office today :( Last month, i was at the office til 3am++. for i think it was for 3 days, maybe 4.. baloi kah keje ku ini? And i still havent finished my work. sigh..

Call me a lazybum, a slacker.. but "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured" says Gordon B. Hinckley (whoever he is..).

"You are what you do. If you do boring, stupid monotonous work, chances are you'll end up boring, stupid and monotonous. Work is a much better explanation for the creeping cretinization all around us than even such significant moronizing mechanisms as television and education."
— Bob Black (Abolition of Work and Other Essays)

Now i know why i'm such a bore.. hehe..

If you had to choose between brains or wealth,
which one would you choose?

If you had to choose between title or non-titled,
which one would you choose?

If you had to choose between a stranger and an old friend,
which one would you choose?

Does it matter?
It all falls back to fate (jodoh), right?
hmmmmm.......



p/s: I dont mind to "bercinta lepas kahwin" (love after marriage) like Baek Seung Jo & Oh Ha Ni.. heheh...they're so sweet..

one of my weakness is..
if there's something that i dont like, i wont do it..
or there's something that i dont like to eat, i wont eat it.

which can be a bad thing.. especially when it comes to work.

it's not that i dont like my job.
but i dont like the things that i'm doing now.
so it makes me learn that much slower.
so it makes me work that much slower.
so it makes me find ways to not do work.
even when it's piling up.
even when it's overflowing.
and i get tired and bored that much easily.

you know how they say that if you like what you're doing,
you dont have to work a day in your life?
then yes, i'm working everyday.
and weekends too when i cant avoid it.
i'm soooo going to get in trouble one of these days.
how now? :(