Princess Lilue

Yumm.. mum brought over some home-cooked crabs yesterday.. was up to my elbows (well, almost anyway..haha..).. I personally.. have no idea how to cook crabs.. hehe.. well, i'm not that good a cook, period.. definitely now since i've started working as compared to during my uni period.. it's surprising really how bad my cooking has been turning out lately.. ;p

I'm just waaayy too busy with this compliance thingy, i havent had a chance to play with my new toy.. hehe.. just bought myself a 4000-piece jigsaw puzzle the other day.. i'm dying to start, but... maybe i shud be thinking how to get it framed first before i even start.. yeah, i'm a puzzle-junkie.. not so much the crossword ones.. but more of the jigsaw type.. i can still remember the framed jigsaw puzzles over at my piano teacher's house.. she had quite a few & that's only the living room..

i've got a few completed ones, i sort of took it up a few month back.. i was getting too depressed for my own good, so i started out this hobby.. of course, i've love doing this since i was younger, but then i didnt have the means to buy them (plus it can be quite expansive too)..


p/s: oh my god.. yesterday was enquiring abt those new semi-d houses at the end of my street.. it's like RM800k!!shock! horror! phoar.. these ppl are truly making money, weh.. my house is nowhere near that amount of course but.. 800? you have got to be kidding me.. it's not like it's triple the size of my house.. ish ish ish.. i wonder what was the original price tho.. hmm..

Why is it that if the guy is not interested, it's my fault? Why can't it be his fault? getting tired of these games already..

"Don't be afraid. Don't be apologetic. Don't back down, don't back off and don't backtrack either. Better yet, don't dwell on the word 'don't'. There are, already, far too many rules in your life. You are being painfully constrained by laws that need not be followed or that do not even actually exist. It's time to permit yourself to trust your instincts. You feel what you feel. That's not something to be ashamed of. It's something you have a right to celebrate and act on"

Fuh.. what a weekend.. the wedding, thru all the chaos & setbacks, was lovely nonetheless.. not that they'd ever read this, but congrats anyway to the newlyweds.. Hmm.. i wouldnt know abt whether bridesmaids will be next in line for marriage or delay it, but this was the first time i became so.. "laku".. i'm speechless.. hahah.. if only i am this popular amongst the people i'm with..

and a few of them even recognised me from my brief encounter with the modelling world.. erk, even i never saw myself on tv.. haha, dont know how they could have recognised me, i barely looked like myself in the pics.. hmm, the good old days..

and it stops me from thinking that it could have been my wedding with that someone this weekend, instead he 'walked down the aisle' with someone else.. whoops, wasnt supposed to think abt that at all.. My mum told me this a few days ago after listening to a ceramah agama: As bad as things were, Allah has always replaced everything he took with something better, even if we dont see/understand it that way. All we need to do is to accept His tests with "redha". Remember Him always & recite the Quran when you are troubled. Things happened for a reason. He has & always will provide the best to us, when the time is right. Even if that means that i am meant to be alone, so be it.


I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
~Lonely No More, Rob Thomas

Although i havent called her yet, but by now my housemate (we've move out of that house after the 1st housemate got married) is officially someone's wife..that's one lucky guy there.. her nikah was this morning.. wished that we could be there with her, but can't exactly run out of the office to go to her house, right? hehe.. anyway, will be going tomorrow & be her bridesmaid for Sunday..

with this coming weekend, he would have already be married by now & the bride's kenduri this weekend..

there's this little conflicting saying regarding pengapit or bridesmaid.. one says that if you're the bridesmaid, you're next in line to get married.. The other one says that being the bridesmaid means you'll stay single (or marry late in life).. I'm a little confuse which is which... but at this point, i so do not hear any wedding bells ringing for me anytime soon.. which right now, doesnt seem to make any difference to me really.. not that my mum would accept that tho (i'd get an earful if i ever make that remark to her..hehe)

Anyway, dont think there's any pantang or whatnots i should know abt being a bridesmate.. hehe.. so hope i'll know what to do.. & not break down in the middle of everything.. ;p insya allah.. this is her day, so let's concentrate on her, shall we?

God.. it's already 7.30pm & i've barely started with any of my work.. ;p The Boss kept topping up with items i need to complete for him that i'm at lost to which to start doing..

At least 1 good news so far today, the Big Boss (the one who came over to basically "shoot" us) caught hold of me for a "chit chat".. yeay, i'm not rotating to another job, at least till next year (well, that was the direction suggested by local management here) & i should be getting another raise in July.. i'm not too sure as yet to where i want to rotate to.. everyone's job seems such .. for lack of word, a bore.. hehe.. not that mine's that interesting either, it sucks too but at least it has it's own perks.. oh ya, btw he did tell me that he was shocked at the level of my salary & pushed for an immediate raise.. alhamdullilah! one thing i can say for him, he 'sees' things (which he has told me before.. ) and not just listen to the bosses around here.. okla.. okla.. i'll try & "make more noise" as everyone kept telling me to do.. at least someone is bound to listen..

aisey.. havent submitted my reply for my ACCA's graduation.. & pay for my tnb bills.. :( so need to stop getting into my "moody" self at home & actually get some things done...

"I have never regretted falling in love with anyone. I have lived and learned
from everyone I know, and loved. I would not change a thing."
Nancy Williams

I should not grudge him his wedding.. or the fact that he got engaged abt 3 months after we broke up while i was still struggling to stay sane .. he knew he hurt me & hopefully it will weigh on his conscience for a long time.. i know whatever he does should not affect me but the hurt still wont go away. I want to accept his apology because it would be too heavy on my heart otherwise.. but damn.. this is sooo difficult..

"Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars."
Violeta Parra

I went for a YE Advisor training last week.. a pretty good excuse to get off work & doing something fun (sort of) for a change..

anyway.. the end part of the training includes some character analysis based on this 16-character type definition thing, which incidently, i think i've tried out before.. anyway, this time there's someone to explain it to me.. i think i am an ISTP (introvert, sensing, thinker & perceiver).. which in plain english, it means that i'm thrive at solving problems, and solving it in anyway i can.. how it turns out(looks-wise) are not important.. and the only way i can relax is, in his word -> to go to sleep.. ;p hmm, i'm no MacGyver but i do supposed it's close enough to me..
ISTP
Inside I am continually reworking an issue. I am constantly open to new directions, always tweaking and bringing in new information. I solve a problem by looking at all the angles, probably whatever side I need to. There is an answer, and I just need to get to the best way to figure it out—to meet my objectives and give it to people how it is without annoying anyone.
To work with difficult situations I become very logical and very analytical, and I look to see where things fit. I always watch and if there’s a problem, I go back inside myself to see what may need to be done and how best to approach a situation. I like to find a technique.
The observational part of me is the ability to see when an opportunity exists and to actually act on it and make things a little bit better. I like to choose the timing for when it’s appropriate to say or do something. I spend a lot of time considering scenarios before I make decisions. I’ll usually go with a hunch, my intuition, what’s the most likely cause. I do my best problem solving in my head away from whatever it is. I step back outside of things, think for a while, and make adjustments—could this be better than that, how do these react, and how does the whole system go together? I’m willing to do the upfront work, which makes it expedient because I never have to repeat it.
In my work, I don’t want to be just doing stuff for the sake of doing stuff. I like to accomplish things—make a contribution. That’s real important. I take a “do it” type of approach. It’s very practical. It’s very here and now. That does not mean I don’t take into consideration the big picture and what’s down the road and what’s best for the organization, but at the same time my big focus is “let’s get this show on the road and let’s do it.” I do it as well as I can. Then I think very well on my feet. I can be quick with the verbal comeback—I like the impact. I just get in there and do it, and whatever job I go into, I hit the ground running. And I’m very competitive, often with myself. I tie one hand behind my back and see if I can still do it.
Those times that I have to use my heart, it drives me crazy because I’m looking for things in clear-cut answers. I have a hard time agreeing that other people look at things completely differently. People should think things through. I have a problem with people reading between the lines. They hear words I never say, and I select my words carefully. I can take myself out of it so I usually don’t take things personally. And I find I have to make a point to remember that people are part of the equation. I have to work that in.
I rarely work on one thing at a time. I get an idea and chase it down. I’m always studying—not just books but looking at what interests me. I customize everything I touch; people tell me I can’t do something, and I say sure I can. And I like time to just sit down and enjoy. But when I have too much time I tend to just pick away at things. I am really much better when there is a deadline.
I look at the world as a place to enjoy. I like things to smell good, taste good, look and feel good. I love exploring the outdoors. The peace and stillness, the little noises and different views. I feel really comfortable out there. I have no desire to be with people when I don’t know anybody. It’s a delightful sensation when I see an animal.
I don’t like the social stuff. It takes too much time, too much energy. I’m bored. I can’t figure out how to make myself more relaxed, and I never really know what I’m supposed to be saying. I have only a few close friends that I really see a lot. Yet people have seen me as someone very lively and talkative. That’s the part of me that likes life to be an adventure.
I like flexibility in what I do. Fun means something that interests me. Organized things don’t come to me easily, but I can do them. I’ve always found ways to make things fun. It’s a game to make sure you can come to the next point where you have freedom again There’s something insincere about doing something just because of somebody or something else. What I do has to make sense, have impact. I cannot stand just busy work. It has to be meaningful. I have an incredible amount of enthusiasm and passion for certain things that I do and want to see done.

Fate is truly going overtime in playing these cruel jokes on me.. just kill me already, why dont you? at least it'll be the end of it all..

I must have been soo bad.. done soo many wrongs to be tested this way.. i'm sorry but i am not that strong.. i give up.. i thot the tests are over.. i suppose i should have expected it, but i didnt think it would be this soon, this sudden.. am i asking for too much, just for a little peace..? a little slice of happiness?

maybe they are trying to tell me something.. that's why they say they love me, but marry another.. maybe that's why even after they're married, they still wont go away.. maybe i'm not meant for love and marriage.. maybe i've never truly learn to love & be loved.. maybe i'm not meant to be... maybe...

maybe i just need to get away from it all.. from everyone.. from everything.. if only i could..

amenda la lagi pakcik nie nak? sometimes the Boss can really get on my nerves.. i know la we've got the Big Boss coming in on monday to interrogate us.. but dont la start panicky & bugging me abt it.. you want to do something abt it.. you do it.. i've done my part & there's really nothing more i can add to it to save our butts, so you're not exactly helping here by making me go thru it 10 more times..

Sometime i do wonder how you lasted this long.. one time boss sneeze, you jump 5 storeys-high.. or maybe that's why the bosses just love you.. you'll commit something, but it's not you who dies.. it's us, the "kuli's"... so yes, you do not exactly help to remove the obstacle for me to do my job..

so stop panicking & just take the heat.. once it's over, then we can go back to our daily grind as usual.. if you start falling apart, what do you think i will do? you are supposed to be the boss you know.. i'm already doing as much as i can to help you.. but if you dont know a thing, how you want me help you face the boss? yeah sure, i already doing the answering & face the firing squad, i cant exactly cover for you at the same time..not my fault if you only "manage" & not know what's happening..

anyway.. i'll be as ready as i'll ever be.. (which is pretty much.. not! ) .. ;p

erk..already 4.30 & got another 15mins to get to that boarding gate...so better hurry.. cheh, i didnt even get to browse thru Changi's bookstore..they usually have some good stuff over here.. oh well, might as well not spend that money that i should not..haha..

what am i doing in spore in the middle of the week? god knows la.. boss ask me to.. so whatever.. if i can have another day to spend here, that would have been great but yeah right.. i'm so gonna miss all this travelling tho if i change job.. should really have that talk with my boss.. can i like.. not rotate into that boring analyst job thingy? hehe..

arghh.. it's already morning?? and i was having such a yummy dream.. :( was dreaming that i met someone & just started going out with him.. and he looked just like Hugh Jackman.. ahaks.. if only la kan.. hehe.. of course la not fair for me to compare it to whomever i'm going out with kan.. i wouldnt be so mean nor so shallow... but no harm in dreaming surely..

Darn.. just when i thot i'd be able to go back & rest this poor throat + head of mine.. boss want me to sit in tonite's call.. can i get a 2 or 3-day MC just coz of my sore throat/coughing? :( nie nak dapat 1 hari pun susah.. by far, one of the worst i've ever had.. and this dry-cough is making my head hurts.. cheh...

dont you ever get that feeling that whatever you do, boss almost always expects more of you? yelah, mmg la after a while you get a hang of it.. but it is coz you're capable or coz you have to? hhmmm.. sometime i do wonder, just how far would they push you? just how far would you go for your career's sake? of course having 'kiasu' colleagues doesn't help.. it just raises the competition level.. and your tension level too.. ;p

Wasn't feeling well yesterday, so was in bed before 10.. so imagine my surprised when i received a phone call at abt 2am telling me abt the earthquake in Sumatera & the tsunami warning.. sorry, girl.. took a while for it to register.. hehe.. but only called up parents at abt 6am to warn them.. well, was gonna call earlier but fell asleep.. prolly shud have tho if it was a major warning, but at the same time, wouldnt wanna them to alarm them unnessarily.. hmm.. must think abt it..

anyway.. better go home..it's almost 8 anyway & gotta go to the airport later...

Found this mail forwarded to my mailbox..

I dunt know whether i am supposed to write it here or not, but i guess..just take this as a piece of my not-so-good thought.

Couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine come over to my place, and as what she said to me, she just wanna have some peace and rest.Well, even we're very good friend, she's not the type who's always come over to my place for weekend, cos she was always busy with her 'commitment'.But i guess that day she need somebody to talk to..so, i prepared my ears to lend it to her.

At first she seems like having nothing unusual, but i can say that she was good in acting.She laugh, telling me gossip, so and so...but her eyes told me that something was wrong somewhere.My mind keep on thinking 'bout her weird act, about her so-called commitment, and many others thing that could relate to her.I thought she wasn't yet ready to share, but it wasn't for long.Finally she burst into something that made me drown into a deep thought.

Friend : I envy u..u know
Me : (half laughing) Envy? ooo c'mon, u know i got nothing to envy.At the age of 30, i'm still single..still makan gaji n gotta work like hell for life..
Friend : well..at least u still can hope for a good guy to be your ehem..ehem..(she laugh a bit..a fake laugh i can say`)
Me : Merepek la..
Friend : U know wut i usually did at saturday nite like this?
Me : Emm..you aa,dating la kan..wut else..
Friend : hehe ...(again..fake laugh)
Me : well..how bout dis weekends? Miss me so much ke sampai u wanna stay here..?(jokingly..)
Friend : I kecik hati ngan Fazziq (her bf)
Me : kecik hati?well..u ni,cepat sgt melatah la.dis time ape dier buat?he forget to puji u cam dlu gak ke?
Friend : No la..
Me : anything to share..?
Friend : I didnt called me 2 days..and i get worried.maybe he got into something ke.. so,i finally decided to call him.at first he didnt answered, i tried for second time..again..not answered..and it's not engaged..
Me : Then..
Friend : It 8.30pm, so i fikir baik la..maybe he's at surau
ke, though i know dats kinda illogical for him.So just for my own
satisfaction, i tried for the 3rd time..
Me : He picked it up?
Friend : yup..and then simply end call (u know the tune rite..?!)
ME : then, wut did u do?
Friend : I got mad la..wut on earth dat make him end call macam tu je.Let
say he's busy pon..just tell me,no need to put me like dat kan..so,i called
him again and again..
Me : ...(listening to her)
Friend : then finally he picked the line.u know what he said when i asked nape dier tak angkat my phone?
Me : wut?
Friend : "takde ape nak cakap, tu sebab i tak angkat.."
Me : So, u kecik hati cos dier tak angkat phone you?
Friend : no..i know maybe dier penat
Me : so..ape yang u kecik hati nyer?
Friend : (sigh) u know kami akan kahwin this year or next year, and spend life together.But, how we gonna marry and living together, when skarang ni pon kami dah takde ape nak dicakapkan?isn't that marriage is for sharing your life.. then, how we gonna share when we got nothing else to be shared? i'm upset..
Me : emm..maybe he doesn't mean that way..
Friend : If he doesn't mean that way pon..it makes me think you know.How am i gonna spend my life with this man, when skarang ni pon.."takde ape nak dicakapkan.."

I am startled, and somehow agree with what my friend had said.I know her boyfriend very well, he's nice, and caring enough.But what make him to say that thing.Got nothing else to say..seems like as if they had it enough..no more to share.Well..i am not so experienced in this love matters..but,it makes me wondering..isn't love is for sharing and caring? Giving and receiving? And when it comes to the point that u got nothing to share..is it the end of your lovelife?

sigh..

I am one of those who finds it difficult to talk to people but that doesnt mean i don't talk at all. To those closest to me, i can sometimes talk non-stop.. hehe..

which is why being able to talk to my partner would definitely be a priority to me.. like my parents.. even after more than 30yrs of marriage, they are still each other's best friends & can chat non stop abt everything & nothing at all..

heck, one time, they were doing some gardening (or rather "menebas lalang") at my grandfather's house, they'd be chatting for hours & barely doing any work.. a passing neighbour even commented why on earth would my parents rather stand around in the middle of the "semak", being harressed by mosquitoes than be seated comfortably in the living room to chat.. hehe.. yup, it's that 'bad'.. ;)

It may be a minor thing, but ability to "talk" to your partner, to me is quite important.. besides, if you're gonna live with this person for life, not being to talk will mean a verryy boring life together, init? hehe.. and i'm not even gonna say anything abt love, connection between the two & yadda..yadda..yadda.. u figure it out..

Is it just me or people are just out to take revenge of some sort from me??

So, it’s my fault.. you said you liked me, I said no.. are you gonna hold it against me for that decision for life? I don’t know if I made the right decision.. I still don’t.. but I’m not the one who got married; you did... so why are you imposing your doubts on me? You have no right to ask me questions abt the past... abt what-might-have-been... abt the whys & why nots...

some people might be flattered... some might think it’s amusing... sorry, I don’t... I don’t find it funny when married guys asking me what were my feelings for them... I don’t even find it amusing that you insist that I attend your wedding... I am not flattered that I am notoriously known in a function... knowing fully well that everyone were expecting me... comparing me... judging me... and it irritates me so when you & wife dragged my name into your problems (and this is the ones I hear abt.. the ones I don’t? )…

I’m a Capricorn, once I made my decision, I try to live with it... sure, sometimes it occurred to me that I made a mistake... maybe I was wrong to let any one of you walk out of my life.. after all, I liked you enough to be your friend... but I have my reasons not to accept you... call it picky, call it insane, call it gut instinct... there’s always something that is missing.. maybe that’s why I still am not married... maybe that why the ones I do love, don’t stick around... who knows...

the story ends the minute you got married... in fact, to me, the moment when you agreed to get married, when you met that someone else.... that’s it... no turning back, no regrets, no doubts... I am your friend, if possible… if not, too bad... why should i worry abt what it will do to your marriage when you dont? god knows why but i do.. so don’t pull this guilt trip on me...It is not fair to the wife... it is not fair to me... ... so if you did/do care for me, don’t do this to me...

(not that they would ever read this...but I just had to get it out of my system)

auntie, would have loved to attend your daughter’s upcoming wedding, but not with the history we have, not with whatever intention you might have for inviting me... I know you never fully accepted my decisions & disappointed when he chose another.. she’s your DIL.. accept that fact & don’t grudge me my life..

friend.. I know & you know that you’re happy with the wife so do yourself a favour & leave me out of the marriage… and if I have to break the friendship for this, so be it..

I've got too much going on in my head.. yet no idea where to start..

The month started off with a large scale audit by the corporate team.. which i totally screw up on my part.. :( well, i'm only human okay.. doesnt help that most of last year i was totally overwhelmed with own problems to really concentrate on things like filing and stuff..

at least, for one thing it does tell the bosses that 1 person really cannot handle all these responsibility & control everything..or do they even get it?? hmm.. seems to me that even more work is asked from you as a result.. ;( i suppose it's just excuses really, but.. i don't know.. either i don't know how to do my job or i'm doing too much.. it's just that it's really2 frustrating when i see myself not being able to do the job..

at least the boss is still giving me my bonuses (which have not been banked in yet).. hehe.. this would definitely help pay off the graduation tickets for my guests this weekend.. *wink*

anyway, on the matters of the heart.. hmm.. how do i say it? my mind is currently in a total mess & the truth is.. i don't know what it is that i feel these days.. and i supposed that it's not fair to some ppl.. it has been long enough that i've been creating this cocoon around myself, shutting myself at home & partly, shutting out my friends too..

i'd suposed i'd be more cynical but that's just not in me.. i still believe in dreams.. that there are good in people.. that i don't have to try so hard to be happy.. that they didn't mean that they hate me & sorry for what they did.. that maybe, maybe he truly did love me.. that we could still make it work.. oh well, it's all only in my dream.. i should really learn to love another, right?

Oh no...i'm so totally getting fried by my boss over this! adoi.. how la..
help!..

I sometimes wonder why we subject ourselves to the things we do.. do we really need to work for such absurbly long hours? everyone is in a competition all the time, for promotion, fame, something ...

and in this town, everyone is always rushing for time..we're doing our banking at nite... paying our bills at odd hours..having dinner at midnite..buying groceries just before the stores closes.. "life" starts after work ie at nite & all these technology in the world are not making our life simpler.. (i just generalising here, okay.. so sue me..)

Maybe i'm just not that ambitious.. maybe i'm just being a spoilt brat or just plain lazy.. but i'm just not into this rat race thing.. hey i like my job, pretty much my life & i know can move forward along this path.. but i seriously do not see myself living this life for another 10 years, 20 years.. but the thing is, i dont think this lifestyle is limited only to my workplace.. or my job function.. instead i see it everywhere.. it's becoming a norm..expected..

does the money we receive can compansate for all the things we are sacrificing now? that is even if you do get the pay you deserve.. or other perks you might enjoy.. maybe the self esteem/respect/etc that you're looking for.. maybe the glamour of the title.. maybe the challenges that you face.. a way to support the lifestyle you have/want..

or maybe i'm judging it too harshly, given my current outlook of life.. ? that it is just me who have given up trying ? not have not tried enough ? are not doing it right ? that my mood swings are affecting my logic thinking ? that i'm trying to blame my job/lifestyle/other people for everything that's gone wrong in my life.. ? maybe i just have not found a 'true calling' of some sort (if such thing even exist) ?

maybe.. maybe i just think too much.. abt everything & nothing.. which is why only bits & pieces of these nonsense makes sense.. if you can find it.. haha..


Extracted this from a website.. Read it..

Time is not a measure: but rather a quality. When we look at the past we are not rewinding a tape but remembering a gift of our passage on Earth. Time is not measured like a road is measured, since we take gigantic leaps backwards (memories) and forwards (projects).

Managing is not living: “time is money” is nonsense. We have to be aware of each moment and know how to take advantage of each single moment in what we are doing (with love) or in just contemplating life. A day has 24 hours and an infinity of moments. If we slow down, everything will last much longer. Of course, washing the dishes can take longer too, but why not use that time to think about pleasant things, singing, relaxing, being happy at just being alive?

Acting in the face of negative emotions: when we sit down on the sofa, we turn on the television (which is actually a way to “turn off” from the world). Or else we grow very anxious, feel we are wasting time, that we need to call someone, do gymnastics, tidy up the house. Why? Because if we stay quiet, all the wave of repressed emotions will assail us, depress us, leave us feeling sad or guilty. But the more we “keep busy” the more these emotions pile up, until one day we run the risk of seeing them explode out of control.

Yes, we all have our problems, which have to be faced – why not do this today? Stop. Think. Maybe suffer a little. But in the end, understand who we are, what we feel, what we are doing here at this very moment – instead of wanting to determine the Agenda of Life.

Darn it.. dunno why, but i'm soooo stressed out...
Could be coz the boss is bugging me too much & work is piling up as it is..
or coz of the weather..
or due to last nite's msg..

why? why do you need to come back into my life? is there some kind of unwritten rule somewhere that you guys just can't leave me alone? You're the one who moved on yet you can't let me go? it's not funny okay ?

sheesh.. the things you do for your job... just today i got chewed up by ppl complaining abt the bosses.. and other complaints in general.. hehe.. what to do.. me being the middle person get fired from both end... it's not that i dont wanna do something about it.. sure, there's loads of idea i'd wish i could bring about, things i wanna implement... but up to a point, all you wanna do is complete what is required of you & go home.. as it is you're doing too much fire-fighting, rather than getting thru to the root..

used to be i dreamed of this jet-setting lifestyle (even if i only get to as far as Singapore & Batam.. hehe), having flexible working hours, casual work dress code.. to tell the truth, did get almost of of it, in a way.. but yet.. something is still not enough.. see, how ungrateful i am to Him, after all, Allah only gave me what i wanted, right? yeah well.. doesn't help that mum's going on with her "work with gomen" campaign.. i'm so tired of everything, i'm actually considering it.. as a change.. maybe.. but seriously? dunno if i can survive that....

anyway.. i'm just whining out loud.. as much as i would like to stop & smell the flowers, actually living life rather than going thru it, could not come up with any.. logical plan on how to do that.. yet.. if the rest of these crew can survive it, surely i can too.. somehow.. before i burn myself out.. or go insane in the process.. ha ha..

v-day huh? not that i've ever celebrated it before, but i supposed i don't oppose it either.. admitted it is fun seeing the things that ppl do on that day, but nah.. i'm too practical for that.. i do however love the stuff that sells during v-day tho.. you can find the cutest teddy bears & heart-shape whatevers & daily-dose of movies, love songs.. hehe..

but this time, i can't help but reflect on the things that happened during last feb.. it's been a year since then.. and i believed that i've come a long way.. not quite a 360 turnaround, nor do i feel as matured as i thought i would be at this age.. in fact have been more cynical that i've ever been in life

But something came up last nite.. maybe, just maybe, this v-day could mean something this time..