Princess Lilue

arghh.. it's already morning?? and i was having such a yummy dream.. :( was dreaming that i met someone & just started going out with him.. and he looked just like Hugh Jackman.. ahaks.. if only la kan.. hehe.. of course la not fair for me to compare it to whomever i'm going out with kan.. i wouldnt be so mean nor so shallow... but no harm in dreaming surely..

Darn.. just when i thot i'd be able to go back & rest this poor throat + head of mine.. boss want me to sit in tonite's call.. can i get a 2 or 3-day MC just coz of my sore throat/coughing? :( nie nak dapat 1 hari pun susah.. by far, one of the worst i've ever had.. and this dry-cough is making my head hurts.. cheh...

dont you ever get that feeling that whatever you do, boss almost always expects more of you? yelah, mmg la after a while you get a hang of it.. but it is coz you're capable or coz you have to? hhmmm.. sometime i do wonder, just how far would they push you? just how far would you go for your career's sake? of course having 'kiasu' colleagues doesn't help.. it just raises the competition level.. and your tension level too.. ;p

Wasn't feeling well yesterday, so was in bed before 10.. so imagine my surprised when i received a phone call at abt 2am telling me abt the earthquake in Sumatera & the tsunami warning.. sorry, girl.. took a while for it to register.. hehe.. but only called up parents at abt 6am to warn them.. well, was gonna call earlier but fell asleep.. prolly shud have tho if it was a major warning, but at the same time, wouldnt wanna them to alarm them unnessarily.. hmm.. must think abt it..

anyway.. better go home..it's almost 8 anyway & gotta go to the airport later...

Found this mail forwarded to my mailbox..

I dunt know whether i am supposed to write it here or not, but i guess..just take this as a piece of my not-so-good thought.

Couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine come over to my place, and as what she said to me, she just wanna have some peace and rest.Well, even we're very good friend, she's not the type who's always come over to my place for weekend, cos she was always busy with her 'commitment'.But i guess that day she need somebody to talk to..so, i prepared my ears to lend it to her.

At first she seems like having nothing unusual, but i can say that she was good in acting.She laugh, telling me gossip, so and so...but her eyes told me that something was wrong somewhere.My mind keep on thinking 'bout her weird act, about her so-called commitment, and many others thing that could relate to her.I thought she wasn't yet ready to share, but it wasn't for long.Finally she burst into something that made me drown into a deep thought.

Friend : I envy u..u know
Me : (half laughing) Envy? ooo c'mon, u know i got nothing to envy.At the age of 30, i'm still single..still makan gaji n gotta work like hell for life..
Friend : well..at least u still can hope for a good guy to be your ehem..ehem..(she laugh a bit..a fake laugh i can say`)
Me : Merepek la..
Friend : U know wut i usually did at saturday nite like this?
Me : Emm..you aa,dating la kan..wut else..
Friend : hehe ...(again..fake laugh)
Me : well..how bout dis weekends? Miss me so much ke sampai u wanna stay here..?(jokingly..)
Friend : I kecik hati ngan Fazziq (her bf)
Me : kecik hati?well..u ni,cepat sgt melatah la.dis time ape dier buat?he forget to puji u cam dlu gak ke?
Friend : No la..
Me : anything to share..?
Friend : I didnt called me 2 days..and i get worried.maybe he got into something ke.. so,i finally decided to call him.at first he didnt answered, i tried for second time..again..not answered..and it's not engaged..
Me : Then..
Friend : It 8.30pm, so i fikir baik la..maybe he's at surau
ke, though i know dats kinda illogical for him.So just for my own
satisfaction, i tried for the 3rd time..
Me : He picked it up?
Friend : yup..and then simply end call (u know the tune rite..?!)
ME : then, wut did u do?
Friend : I got mad la..wut on earth dat make him end call macam tu je.Let
say he's busy pon..just tell me,no need to put me like dat kan..so,i called
him again and again..
Me : ...(listening to her)
Friend : then finally he picked the line.u know what he said when i asked nape dier tak angkat my phone?
Me : wut?
Friend : "takde ape nak cakap, tu sebab i tak angkat.."
Me : So, u kecik hati cos dier tak angkat phone you?
Friend : no..i know maybe dier penat
Me : so..ape yang u kecik hati nyer?
Friend : (sigh) u know kami akan kahwin this year or next year, and spend life together.But, how we gonna marry and living together, when skarang ni pon kami dah takde ape nak dicakapkan?isn't that marriage is for sharing your life.. then, how we gonna share when we got nothing else to be shared? i'm upset..
Me : emm..maybe he doesn't mean that way..
Friend : If he doesn't mean that way pon..it makes me think you know.How am i gonna spend my life with this man, when skarang ni pon.."takde ape nak dicakapkan.."

I am startled, and somehow agree with what my friend had said.I know her boyfriend very well, he's nice, and caring enough.But what make him to say that thing.Got nothing else to say..seems like as if they had it enough..no more to share.Well..i am not so experienced in this love matters..but,it makes me wondering..isn't love is for sharing and caring? Giving and receiving? And when it comes to the point that u got nothing to share..is it the end of your lovelife?

sigh..

I am one of those who finds it difficult to talk to people but that doesnt mean i don't talk at all. To those closest to me, i can sometimes talk non-stop.. hehe..

which is why being able to talk to my partner would definitely be a priority to me.. like my parents.. even after more than 30yrs of marriage, they are still each other's best friends & can chat non stop abt everything & nothing at all..

heck, one time, they were doing some gardening (or rather "menebas lalang") at my grandfather's house, they'd be chatting for hours & barely doing any work.. a passing neighbour even commented why on earth would my parents rather stand around in the middle of the "semak", being harressed by mosquitoes than be seated comfortably in the living room to chat.. hehe.. yup, it's that 'bad'.. ;)

It may be a minor thing, but ability to "talk" to your partner, to me is quite important.. besides, if you're gonna live with this person for life, not being to talk will mean a verryy boring life together, init? hehe.. and i'm not even gonna say anything abt love, connection between the two & yadda..yadda..yadda.. u figure it out..

Is it just me or people are just out to take revenge of some sort from me??

So, it’s my fault.. you said you liked me, I said no.. are you gonna hold it against me for that decision for life? I don’t know if I made the right decision.. I still don’t.. but I’m not the one who got married; you did... so why are you imposing your doubts on me? You have no right to ask me questions abt the past... abt what-might-have-been... abt the whys & why nots...

some people might be flattered... some might think it’s amusing... sorry, I don’t... I don’t find it funny when married guys asking me what were my feelings for them... I don’t even find it amusing that you insist that I attend your wedding... I am not flattered that I am notoriously known in a function... knowing fully well that everyone were expecting me... comparing me... judging me... and it irritates me so when you & wife dragged my name into your problems (and this is the ones I hear abt.. the ones I don’t? )…

I’m a Capricorn, once I made my decision, I try to live with it... sure, sometimes it occurred to me that I made a mistake... maybe I was wrong to let any one of you walk out of my life.. after all, I liked you enough to be your friend... but I have my reasons not to accept you... call it picky, call it insane, call it gut instinct... there’s always something that is missing.. maybe that’s why I still am not married... maybe that why the ones I do love, don’t stick around... who knows...

the story ends the minute you got married... in fact, to me, the moment when you agreed to get married, when you met that someone else.... that’s it... no turning back, no regrets, no doubts... I am your friend, if possible… if not, too bad... why should i worry abt what it will do to your marriage when you dont? god knows why but i do.. so don’t pull this guilt trip on me...It is not fair to the wife... it is not fair to me... ... so if you did/do care for me, don’t do this to me...

(not that they would ever read this...but I just had to get it out of my system)

auntie, would have loved to attend your daughter’s upcoming wedding, but not with the history we have, not with whatever intention you might have for inviting me... I know you never fully accepted my decisions & disappointed when he chose another.. she’s your DIL.. accept that fact & don’t grudge me my life..

friend.. I know & you know that you’re happy with the wife so do yourself a favour & leave me out of the marriage… and if I have to break the friendship for this, so be it..

I've got too much going on in my head.. yet no idea where to start..

The month started off with a large scale audit by the corporate team.. which i totally screw up on my part.. :( well, i'm only human okay.. doesnt help that most of last year i was totally overwhelmed with own problems to really concentrate on things like filing and stuff..

at least, for one thing it does tell the bosses that 1 person really cannot handle all these responsibility & control everything..or do they even get it?? hmm.. seems to me that even more work is asked from you as a result.. ;( i suppose it's just excuses really, but.. i don't know.. either i don't know how to do my job or i'm doing too much.. it's just that it's really2 frustrating when i see myself not being able to do the job..

at least the boss is still giving me my bonuses (which have not been banked in yet).. hehe.. this would definitely help pay off the graduation tickets for my guests this weekend.. *wink*

anyway, on the matters of the heart.. hmm.. how do i say it? my mind is currently in a total mess & the truth is.. i don't know what it is that i feel these days.. and i supposed that it's not fair to some ppl.. it has been long enough that i've been creating this cocoon around myself, shutting myself at home & partly, shutting out my friends too..

i'd suposed i'd be more cynical but that's just not in me.. i still believe in dreams.. that there are good in people.. that i don't have to try so hard to be happy.. that they didn't mean that they hate me & sorry for what they did.. that maybe, maybe he truly did love me.. that we could still make it work.. oh well, it's all only in my dream.. i should really learn to love another, right?

Oh no...i'm so totally getting fried by my boss over this! adoi.. how la..
help!..

I sometimes wonder why we subject ourselves to the things we do.. do we really need to work for such absurbly long hours? everyone is in a competition all the time, for promotion, fame, something ...

and in this town, everyone is always rushing for time..we're doing our banking at nite... paying our bills at odd hours..having dinner at midnite..buying groceries just before the stores closes.. "life" starts after work ie at nite & all these technology in the world are not making our life simpler.. (i just generalising here, okay.. so sue me..)

Maybe i'm just not that ambitious.. maybe i'm just being a spoilt brat or just plain lazy.. but i'm just not into this rat race thing.. hey i like my job, pretty much my life & i know can move forward along this path.. but i seriously do not see myself living this life for another 10 years, 20 years.. but the thing is, i dont think this lifestyle is limited only to my workplace.. or my job function.. instead i see it everywhere.. it's becoming a norm..expected..

does the money we receive can compansate for all the things we are sacrificing now? that is even if you do get the pay you deserve.. or other perks you might enjoy.. maybe the self esteem/respect/etc that you're looking for.. maybe the glamour of the title.. maybe the challenges that you face.. a way to support the lifestyle you have/want..

or maybe i'm judging it too harshly, given my current outlook of life.. ? that it is just me who have given up trying ? not have not tried enough ? are not doing it right ? that my mood swings are affecting my logic thinking ? that i'm trying to blame my job/lifestyle/other people for everything that's gone wrong in my life.. ? maybe i just have not found a 'true calling' of some sort (if such thing even exist) ?

maybe.. maybe i just think too much.. abt everything & nothing.. which is why only bits & pieces of these nonsense makes sense.. if you can find it.. haha..


Extracted this from a website.. Read it..

Time is not a measure: but rather a quality. When we look at the past we are not rewinding a tape but remembering a gift of our passage on Earth. Time is not measured like a road is measured, since we take gigantic leaps backwards (memories) and forwards (projects).

Managing is not living: “time is money” is nonsense. We have to be aware of each moment and know how to take advantage of each single moment in what we are doing (with love) or in just contemplating life. A day has 24 hours and an infinity of moments. If we slow down, everything will last much longer. Of course, washing the dishes can take longer too, but why not use that time to think about pleasant things, singing, relaxing, being happy at just being alive?

Acting in the face of negative emotions: when we sit down on the sofa, we turn on the television (which is actually a way to “turn off” from the world). Or else we grow very anxious, feel we are wasting time, that we need to call someone, do gymnastics, tidy up the house. Why? Because if we stay quiet, all the wave of repressed emotions will assail us, depress us, leave us feeling sad or guilty. But the more we “keep busy” the more these emotions pile up, until one day we run the risk of seeing them explode out of control.

Yes, we all have our problems, which have to be faced – why not do this today? Stop. Think. Maybe suffer a little. But in the end, understand who we are, what we feel, what we are doing here at this very moment – instead of wanting to determine the Agenda of Life.