Princess Lilue

Shock ! Horror ! My friend emailed me in a frantic yesterday, saying that she was given a 3-day notification of termination.. what??!! They've got to be kidding.. anyway, she is..was under a contract term, which should ended 1st August. However, this is linked to her performance/completion of CFP studies, where her final paper's results will only come out next month..

hallo.. it's one thing to terminate them (yes, there's abt 5-6 of them) if they had failed the exams, but another to chuck them before results are out & without proper notification.. kesian la kat orang.. and they had the nerve to say that if they passed the exams, they can "re-apply" for a job there under a yearly contract basis.. if results comes out in august but you sign the contract on 1st august.. that would mean a whole year under a contract (which most likely to say that there's no increment, no bonuses, no benefits), with no guarantee whatsoever, that you will become a permanent employee at the end of it.. i'd say that is just plain mean.. who is this employer you might ask? well.. i better not say it here, but it is a pretty well-known local company...

anyway.. hope she wont let this bring her down.. hang in there, girl! There's better opportunities out there.. somewhere.. i should tell that to myself too, but i guess i'll stay put a while longer & see what these people cook up for me.. hehe.. bosses still telling me to "shout at people" more often.. hmm.. ;p easy enough for most, i'm still working on how to do that ..haha..

anyway.. i better go home & get some rest.. darn this fever thing.. getting all the symptoms, yet no temperature can be so irritating sometimes.. gie kat doctor pun diorg gelakkan je.. ;( but not that i can take leave pun.. still got work to do & ntah sapa la pulak nak visit 2moro & i have to give presentation.. aiyoo..i'll be distributing my germs then instead of info..haha.. better go update my presentation at home la, luckily dont have to do from scratch..hehe...

woo.. didn't realised that i haven't written for so long.. Actually there's been a lot of half-way written stuff that i've kept in the draft.. haven't managed to find time to really jot down what i have thought abt.. hehe.. excuses2.. i know.. that would be 1 good reason to get myself one of those pda/palmtop thingys this coming megasale.. hmm.. must recite to self: do not spend my hard earned cash on stuff i do not need & will not use ! but soo tempted tho.. hehe..

Anyway what's new with me? Hmm.. loads .. and there's none.. heheh.. right now is midnight, i'm already half asleep listening to this presentation thing & this meeting wont end for another hour.. ;( so forgive my ramblings here..

After 2 days of drilling from the regional manager, spending the last 2 weeks on qtr end stuff, plus had to entertain an out-of-town cuz on a shopping spree around town last weekend, cathing up with all the latest flicks & slip-in some time to finish the new Harry Potter book last nite..fuh. i'm totally beat.. ;p

& mum just announced that she's coming over 2moro.. yikes.. by the time i get back after this, it'll be like 2am already & i've got an early meeting 2moro at 8.30..when do i clean up the house before they come over??! erk.. i should really go home at 3pm tomoro.. hehe.. i wish la..

hmm.. if mum is coming over, then i'd have to miss the uni-mates gathering tomorrow.. i did so look fwd to meet up with them considering we havent had any gathering for months, almost a year really.. well, sure there was the odd meetings with one or two of the gang, but which that itself had been a while back..

in fact the only people i meet these days are ex-housemate&hubby, and the best friend (who incidently just got back from japan so havent seen her for a couple of weeks already).. how sad huh? heheh.. did managed to get hold of her tonite to welcome her back & we got to talking abt how we dont get to meet new people no more.. i mean, i'm okay with the "being alone" part which most people find soo amazing.. hello! just coz i live alone doesnt mean i'm lonely okay.. there's major difference between being alone & being lonely. I would like to have a person to share it with, but i dont 'need' to be with someone to be able to be happy.. and i dont believe in being married to your job either..

anyway, i'll talk abt this topic some other time.. can barely think already now.. when la these ppl want to stop talking?? ;( i want my bed now .....

nite nite..

My trainee's leaving tomorrow.. :(
Where can i find a trainee - doing practical (diploma/degree/etc) from any poly/uitm/unversity.. ?

Requirement : -
- preferably finance studies,
- IT savvy will be a great advantage, esp in Excel
- hopefully can stay for 4 months (or more), but 3 mths min..
- mostly to help me perform more of the daily grind stuff & work thru the piles of reports that i get..

hmm.. if i could ask for at least a contract worker, i would.. but the boss didn't approve.. ;p so i'll have to make do with this..

Will have to remind that recruitment center girl to find me one.................. soon..

Cool template huh? hehe.. was just testing it out.. in between rushing it for all these audits around me :( and the boss kept telling me that i'm not doing enough.. adoii! Do it yourself why don't you.. ;p Sometimes, i wonder, where do we draw the line between you are not doing enough & you're doing too much?? hmm.. okay, so i complaint a little too much.. but then again, that's just my way of staying sane.. hehe..

Was watching Mr n Mrs Smiths last weekend with a girlfriend of mine.. erk, didn't realised that Saturday was the "couples galore" day.. just about every one in the cinema was a couple ;p ..... Well, i never had the chance of "going dating" on a satuday before, so never actually realised it.. well, with Brad Pitt on the screen, who cares..! heheh..

Aah.. i just came back from a massage session.. god, i didn't know that my body aches so.. hehe.. my shoulder's the worse.. and rightfully so.. i've been carrying "the world" on it.. ;p

isn't it correct that when a guy is interested, they'd make the effort? well, not including those players, of course.. and that if he's "not into you", you'd 'know' it? at what point do we conclude whether "he's not into you" or that it's too early in the relationship? if only there's somekind of manual as to what to do when such occasions arise.. ;p

All i'm asking for is:

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.
- Albert Camus,
1913-1960, French Existential Writer

"Sometimes, the real and only victory is knowing when to walk away." -

"Take It From Me

Some people think i'm strong.. am i? yes, i managed the crawl thru the black hole i'd call 2004.. but have i really cross over it? i dunno.. sometimes when i thought i have, i'd get pulled back down.. by a memory.. by something someone says... by that fatefull call one late night..

I do so want to move forward... after all, i've completed my studies, the ex is already married, that family avoids me as much as they can, the house is pretty much settled... finding a husband? ha ha... :(
of course i dont hate men.. i just don't understand them.. at all.. but doesnt mean i hate them.. i'm trying, yet, it's soo difficult.. trust issues? yeah, i do have doubts, but your actions are not exactly helping either.. god, i'd wring your neck if i could or at least shout at you, but me being the good girl that i am.. i will just let you take your own sweet time to figure out what you want.. in the mean time, i'll just practice being an old maid & live my own life whether you are in it or not.. when you happen to remember that i still exist, then you can give me a call.. till then..

Yumm.. mum brought over some home-cooked crabs yesterday.. was up to my elbows (well, almost anyway..haha..).. I personally.. have no idea how to cook crabs.. hehe.. well, i'm not that good a cook, period.. definitely now since i've started working as compared to during my uni period.. it's surprising really how bad my cooking has been turning out lately.. ;p

I'm just waaayy too busy with this compliance thingy, i havent had a chance to play with my new toy.. hehe.. just bought myself a 4000-piece jigsaw puzzle the other day.. i'm dying to start, but... maybe i shud be thinking how to get it framed first before i even start.. yeah, i'm a puzzle-junkie.. not so much the crossword ones.. but more of the jigsaw type.. i can still remember the framed jigsaw puzzles over at my piano teacher's house.. she had quite a few & that's only the living room..

i've got a few completed ones, i sort of took it up a few month back.. i was getting too depressed for my own good, so i started out this hobby.. of course, i've love doing this since i was younger, but then i didnt have the means to buy them (plus it can be quite expansive too)..


p/s: oh my god.. yesterday was enquiring abt those new semi-d houses at the end of my street.. it's like RM800k!!shock! horror! phoar.. these ppl are truly making money, weh.. my house is nowhere near that amount of course but.. 800? you have got to be kidding me.. it's not like it's triple the size of my house.. ish ish ish.. i wonder what was the original price tho.. hmm..

Why is it that if the guy is not interested, it's my fault? Why can't it be his fault? getting tired of these games already..

"Don't be afraid. Don't be apologetic. Don't back down, don't back off and don't backtrack either. Better yet, don't dwell on the word 'don't'. There are, already, far too many rules in your life. You are being painfully constrained by laws that need not be followed or that do not even actually exist. It's time to permit yourself to trust your instincts. You feel what you feel. That's not something to be ashamed of. It's something you have a right to celebrate and act on"

Fuh.. what a weekend.. the wedding, thru all the chaos & setbacks, was lovely nonetheless.. not that they'd ever read this, but congrats anyway to the newlyweds.. Hmm.. i wouldnt know abt whether bridesmaids will be next in line for marriage or delay it, but this was the first time i became so.. "laku".. i'm speechless.. hahah.. if only i am this popular amongst the people i'm with..

and a few of them even recognised me from my brief encounter with the modelling world.. erk, even i never saw myself on tv.. haha, dont know how they could have recognised me, i barely looked like myself in the pics.. hmm, the good old days..

and it stops me from thinking that it could have been my wedding with that someone this weekend, instead he 'walked down the aisle' with someone else.. whoops, wasnt supposed to think abt that at all.. My mum told me this a few days ago after listening to a ceramah agama: As bad as things were, Allah has always replaced everything he took with something better, even if we dont see/understand it that way. All we need to do is to accept His tests with "redha". Remember Him always & recite the Quran when you are troubled. Things happened for a reason. He has & always will provide the best to us, when the time is right. Even if that means that i am meant to be alone, so be it.


I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore
~Lonely No More, Rob Thomas

Although i havent called her yet, but by now my housemate (we've move out of that house after the 1st housemate got married) is officially someone's wife..that's one lucky guy there.. her nikah was this morning.. wished that we could be there with her, but can't exactly run out of the office to go to her house, right? hehe.. anyway, will be going tomorrow & be her bridesmaid for Sunday..

with this coming weekend, he would have already be married by now & the bride's kenduri this weekend..

there's this little conflicting saying regarding pengapit or bridesmaid.. one says that if you're the bridesmaid, you're next in line to get married.. The other one says that being the bridesmaid means you'll stay single (or marry late in life).. I'm a little confuse which is which... but at this point, i so do not hear any wedding bells ringing for me anytime soon.. which right now, doesnt seem to make any difference to me really.. not that my mum would accept that tho (i'd get an earful if i ever make that remark to her..hehe)

Anyway, dont think there's any pantang or whatnots i should know abt being a bridesmate.. hehe.. so hope i'll know what to do.. & not break down in the middle of everything.. ;p insya allah.. this is her day, so let's concentrate on her, shall we?

God.. it's already 7.30pm & i've barely started with any of my work.. ;p The Boss kept topping up with items i need to complete for him that i'm at lost to which to start doing..

At least 1 good news so far today, the Big Boss (the one who came over to basically "shoot" us) caught hold of me for a "chit chat".. yeay, i'm not rotating to another job, at least till next year (well, that was the direction suggested by local management here) & i should be getting another raise in July.. i'm not too sure as yet to where i want to rotate to.. everyone's job seems such .. for lack of word, a bore.. hehe.. not that mine's that interesting either, it sucks too but at least it has it's own perks.. oh ya, btw he did tell me that he was shocked at the level of my salary & pushed for an immediate raise.. alhamdullilah! one thing i can say for him, he 'sees' things (which he has told me before.. ) and not just listen to the bosses around here.. okla.. okla.. i'll try & "make more noise" as everyone kept telling me to do.. at least someone is bound to listen..

aisey.. havent submitted my reply for my ACCA's graduation.. & pay for my tnb bills.. :( so need to stop getting into my "moody" self at home & actually get some things done...

"I have never regretted falling in love with anyone. I have lived and learned
from everyone I know, and loved. I would not change a thing."
Nancy Williams

I should not grudge him his wedding.. or the fact that he got engaged abt 3 months after we broke up while i was still struggling to stay sane .. he knew he hurt me & hopefully it will weigh on his conscience for a long time.. i know whatever he does should not affect me but the hurt still wont go away. I want to accept his apology because it would be too heavy on my heart otherwise.. but damn.. this is sooo difficult..

"Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars."
Violeta Parra

I went for a YE Advisor training last week.. a pretty good excuse to get off work & doing something fun (sort of) for a change..

anyway.. the end part of the training includes some character analysis based on this 16-character type definition thing, which incidently, i think i've tried out before.. anyway, this time there's someone to explain it to me.. i think i am an ISTP (introvert, sensing, thinker & perceiver).. which in plain english, it means that i'm thrive at solving problems, and solving it in anyway i can.. how it turns out(looks-wise) are not important.. and the only way i can relax is, in his word -> to go to sleep.. ;p hmm, i'm no MacGyver but i do supposed it's close enough to me..
ISTP
Inside I am continually reworking an issue. I am constantly open to new directions, always tweaking and bringing in new information. I solve a problem by looking at all the angles, probably whatever side I need to. There is an answer, and I just need to get to the best way to figure it out—to meet my objectives and give it to people how it is without annoying anyone.
To work with difficult situations I become very logical and very analytical, and I look to see where things fit. I always watch and if there’s a problem, I go back inside myself to see what may need to be done and how best to approach a situation. I like to find a technique.
The observational part of me is the ability to see when an opportunity exists and to actually act on it and make things a little bit better. I like to choose the timing for when it’s appropriate to say or do something. I spend a lot of time considering scenarios before I make decisions. I’ll usually go with a hunch, my intuition, what’s the most likely cause. I do my best problem solving in my head away from whatever it is. I step back outside of things, think for a while, and make adjustments—could this be better than that, how do these react, and how does the whole system go together? I’m willing to do the upfront work, which makes it expedient because I never have to repeat it.
In my work, I don’t want to be just doing stuff for the sake of doing stuff. I like to accomplish things—make a contribution. That’s real important. I take a “do it” type of approach. It’s very practical. It’s very here and now. That does not mean I don’t take into consideration the big picture and what’s down the road and what’s best for the organization, but at the same time my big focus is “let’s get this show on the road and let’s do it.” I do it as well as I can. Then I think very well on my feet. I can be quick with the verbal comeback—I like the impact. I just get in there and do it, and whatever job I go into, I hit the ground running. And I’m very competitive, often with myself. I tie one hand behind my back and see if I can still do it.
Those times that I have to use my heart, it drives me crazy because I’m looking for things in clear-cut answers. I have a hard time agreeing that other people look at things completely differently. People should think things through. I have a problem with people reading between the lines. They hear words I never say, and I select my words carefully. I can take myself out of it so I usually don’t take things personally. And I find I have to make a point to remember that people are part of the equation. I have to work that in.
I rarely work on one thing at a time. I get an idea and chase it down. I’m always studying—not just books but looking at what interests me. I customize everything I touch; people tell me I can’t do something, and I say sure I can. And I like time to just sit down and enjoy. But when I have too much time I tend to just pick away at things. I am really much better when there is a deadline.
I look at the world as a place to enjoy. I like things to smell good, taste good, look and feel good. I love exploring the outdoors. The peace and stillness, the little noises and different views. I feel really comfortable out there. I have no desire to be with people when I don’t know anybody. It’s a delightful sensation when I see an animal.
I don’t like the social stuff. It takes too much time, too much energy. I’m bored. I can’t figure out how to make myself more relaxed, and I never really know what I’m supposed to be saying. I have only a few close friends that I really see a lot. Yet people have seen me as someone very lively and talkative. That’s the part of me that likes life to be an adventure.
I like flexibility in what I do. Fun means something that interests me. Organized things don’t come to me easily, but I can do them. I’ve always found ways to make things fun. It’s a game to make sure you can come to the next point where you have freedom again There’s something insincere about doing something just because of somebody or something else. What I do has to make sense, have impact. I cannot stand just busy work. It has to be meaningful. I have an incredible amount of enthusiasm and passion for certain things that I do and want to see done.

Fate is truly going overtime in playing these cruel jokes on me.. just kill me already, why dont you? at least it'll be the end of it all..

I must have been soo bad.. done soo many wrongs to be tested this way.. i'm sorry but i am not that strong.. i give up.. i thot the tests are over.. i suppose i should have expected it, but i didnt think it would be this soon, this sudden.. am i asking for too much, just for a little peace..? a little slice of happiness?

maybe they are trying to tell me something.. that's why they say they love me, but marry another.. maybe that's why even after they're married, they still wont go away.. maybe i'm not meant for love and marriage.. maybe i've never truly learn to love & be loved.. maybe i'm not meant to be... maybe...

maybe i just need to get away from it all.. from everyone.. from everything.. if only i could..

amenda la lagi pakcik nie nak? sometimes the Boss can really get on my nerves.. i know la we've got the Big Boss coming in on monday to interrogate us.. but dont la start panicky & bugging me abt it.. you want to do something abt it.. you do it.. i've done my part & there's really nothing more i can add to it to save our butts, so you're not exactly helping here by making me go thru it 10 more times..

Sometime i do wonder how you lasted this long.. one time boss sneeze, you jump 5 storeys-high.. or maybe that's why the bosses just love you.. you'll commit something, but it's not you who dies.. it's us, the "kuli's"... so yes, you do not exactly help to remove the obstacle for me to do my job..

so stop panicking & just take the heat.. once it's over, then we can go back to our daily grind as usual.. if you start falling apart, what do you think i will do? you are supposed to be the boss you know.. i'm already doing as much as i can to help you.. but if you dont know a thing, how you want me help you face the boss? yeah sure, i already doing the answering & face the firing squad, i cant exactly cover for you at the same time..not my fault if you only "manage" & not know what's happening..

anyway.. i'll be as ready as i'll ever be.. (which is pretty much.. not! ) .. ;p

erk..already 4.30 & got another 15mins to get to that boarding gate...so better hurry.. cheh, i didnt even get to browse thru Changi's bookstore..they usually have some good stuff over here.. oh well, might as well not spend that money that i should not..haha..

what am i doing in spore in the middle of the week? god knows la.. boss ask me to.. so whatever.. if i can have another day to spend here, that would have been great but yeah right.. i'm so gonna miss all this travelling tho if i change job.. should really have that talk with my boss.. can i like.. not rotate into that boring analyst job thingy? hehe..

arghh.. it's already morning?? and i was having such a yummy dream.. :( was dreaming that i met someone & just started going out with him.. and he looked just like Hugh Jackman.. ahaks.. if only la kan.. hehe.. of course la not fair for me to compare it to whomever i'm going out with kan.. i wouldnt be so mean nor so shallow... but no harm in dreaming surely..

Darn.. just when i thot i'd be able to go back & rest this poor throat + head of mine.. boss want me to sit in tonite's call.. can i get a 2 or 3-day MC just coz of my sore throat/coughing? :( nie nak dapat 1 hari pun susah.. by far, one of the worst i've ever had.. and this dry-cough is making my head hurts.. cheh...

dont you ever get that feeling that whatever you do, boss almost always expects more of you? yelah, mmg la after a while you get a hang of it.. but it is coz you're capable or coz you have to? hhmmm.. sometime i do wonder, just how far would they push you? just how far would you go for your career's sake? of course having 'kiasu' colleagues doesn't help.. it just raises the competition level.. and your tension level too.. ;p

Wasn't feeling well yesterday, so was in bed before 10.. so imagine my surprised when i received a phone call at abt 2am telling me abt the earthquake in Sumatera & the tsunami warning.. sorry, girl.. took a while for it to register.. hehe.. but only called up parents at abt 6am to warn them.. well, was gonna call earlier but fell asleep.. prolly shud have tho if it was a major warning, but at the same time, wouldnt wanna them to alarm them unnessarily.. hmm.. must think abt it..

anyway.. better go home..it's almost 8 anyway & gotta go to the airport later...